So you’ve been Ghosted…Now What?

I have to say, being ghosted sucks so bad. How bad? Donkey sweaty ball bad. So what is the next move after some douchebag decides that you don’t deserve an explanation?

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If you haven’t come up with anything, I am right there with you sister! (Or brother!). Other than wanting to immediately find this person and shake them to death as to why they are not calling your awesome self, (I know how could they not want to talk to us right?), we must remember calm thoughts and restraint.

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(That illustration above is actually me, by the way, since I have set the standard for “ugly”). But I digress. Remember that you have worth, you are beautiful (says the hypocrite), you are special and worthy of love. Now I know in this modern age people have become so expendable, that all they have to do now is block you everywhere. This includes the dating site, your phone number, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, SnapChat, Whatsapp…….

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It’s fucking exhausting. I have to admit I have been the “ghoster” on more than one occasion. But I am the “Casper” ghost. I leave a message indicating why I am making my exit, THEN block. HEY DON’T JUDGE! At least I let them know why they suck at life! Okay maybe that’s mean. But honestly, in order for me to ghost you, you have to really suck at life. Anyway, what’s the point of this post? Oh just a nonsensical ranting I suppose.

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Yeah, okay maybe that. Again, DON’T JUDGE! I have to admit this post was inspired by my many “ghosting” suitors but really this post : Wild Exploration (A Ghosting Post) I always like to include a nod to fellow bloggers who inspire me. It’s funny in this day and age one would think that all this technology would HELP us not hold us back. I think as humans we are totally de-evolving and we are forgetting that we need each other, we feel for each other, and that people actually HAVE feelings. So, in saying that we have to remember to be extra careful when dating, because next time you feel like this after texting a guy after a week……

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You can instantly feel like this a week later……

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Beware out there ladies and gents! It’s a tough digital world out there!

Stay tuned.

 

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To Empower your Soul, you Have to Know When to Let Go of the “Ghosts”

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In recent days I have been emailing back and forth with a guy who either might be a catfish or straight up liar, I can’t tell the difference. I had a hard time with him, because he refused to chat, or text, or anything. There was radio silence for a couple of days when things took a turn for the worst. He basically dumped me because I was “asking for too much.” I enjoyed our letters and I remarked in my blog how I thought writing letters might be a nice change of pace. I wasn’t really pushy or anything about the situation, yet, he dumped me. I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but when did asking for a little more communication become such a chore? Are people THAT expendable these days?

He gets his jollies off on a Sex Forum site. That should have been the first clue. He logs in and checks on in with his “friends.” Some people like that kind of anonymity and casual fling. I guess my letters were too hard to handle or maintain. It is a discouraging aspect, and I have to say it almost ruined my entire day. I almost didn’t make it to my interview today. Thankfully, I have a friend who is always in my corner looking out for me, so when I called him he talked me in to getting my head right and not worry about some stupid online email guy, who probably gives less than a shit about me.

Why do I let these online men in my heart? Why do I let them get to me? I know my boredom and lack of activity in my life leads me to these kinds of interactions. Where has the joy gone in my life? Where do I find it again? I am addicted to the rush of finding and talking to someone new, I think most people are. But I have this habit of getting too attached and letting my emotions get in the way. This is ONLINE stuff, not real life. The “ghosters” run rampant on chat sites and even dating sites, just waiting to pounce on someone. You know, get the “high” they need by connecting with someone new, get bored and then just straight up “ghost.”

I am done with that. I went to the interview today and landed the job. I need to get my life in order and one of the first steps is to wean myself “offline.” I need to get a life and get it fast. Thirty-seven is around the corner next month, and I am not going to still be doing this crap when I am forty. Fuck that. I need to get my self-respect back. I need to get my strength back. I can’t let these online men take my power from me. I need to stand up myself. I need to stand tall and proud. No more playing the victim. I made some very poor choices in the past and it’s time I come to terms with them. I cut out a lot of people this past year, but I see more on the chopping block over the horizon.

Life waits for no man (or woman).

We will see how it goes.

Stay tuned.

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Missing the “Slow Clock” Pace in the Digital Age

Time passing

Did you ever notice how fast we are going? Everything is instant. Instant movie; Netflix. Instant Food: Grubhub. Instant taxi: Uber. Instant dating: Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble and hundreds of others. Why can’t we slow the hell down people? Where are we going so fast? It’s like the age-old expression, “hurry up and wait.”

I almost ended a budding relationship because of my impatience. I met an articulate craftsman of words on a Sex site, where I wasn’t looking for anything; I just joined because it was way to express my sexual views in a healthy way. As you might have guessed being on this sex site invited many unsolicited requests for cam sex, phone sex and god knows what else. Out of all the nonsense I received a very interesting message from a gentleman under the alias “Kurio” which is the loose interpretation of the Greek word for “Lord,” (thank you google). Anyway, Kurio is a charmer, a delicate fragile being who found me interesting and started a dialog with me through the messaging service of the site. I found him to be equally as interesting and we graduated to an email exchange.

But, unfortunately that’s where it ended. Kurio suffers from anxiety and depression and has had his heart broken many times. He is a lawyer who lives and breathes his work, or so he says. I am not a fool. I know we live in a world of “catfish” and predators so everything he could be telling me could be one gigantic lie. I mean the fact that he a 39 year-old male that is single is already hard to believe, (I am saying this with experience because nearly everyone in my age group is already married with kids). How do I know he is not just playing games with me and my heart? We really know nothing of what each other looks like, except for a few minor details. Our correspondence has been on a very deep level which is really special to me.

So what’s the problem? According to him, his life is in turmoil. Between juggling a demanding career and renovating a living space, he has virtually no time for any other sort of contact. You heard it folks, no Skype, no WhatsApp, no Yahoo, no Google Hangouts, no nothing except for one email a day. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a lost cause and I should just cut it off now before I get my feelings hurt. Believe me, I have thought about it. But then something stops me. Have we become so dependent on instant gratification that we don’t allow anything to blossom anymore? Because we didn’t exchange numbers within a week, he is instantly married and cheating? What have we turned into?

Now, I am not stupid, I know how these things usually go. He may very well be a liar. I could be setting myself up for my next big future heartbreak. But what if, by some slim chance, my romantic penpal  is all I have been waiting for AND more? What happened to the days of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in “You’ve Got Mail?” What happened to the weeks and months people had to wait for a letter from their beloved? I have red flags ringing in my head, but is that all due to the bunch of deceitful bastards that have crossed my path? Like the emotionally closed off pricks such as the Texan who would rather watch a live stream of “Dungeons and Dragons” with his woman “friend” (which he is most likely having sex with too), rather than spend time with me? I am tired of these man-child losers. I want a real man to communicate with, with real feelings and something genuine to say that will value me as a person.

My romance with Kurio won’t be an easy one. But unlike the men that I have made “instant” connections with, he makes me feel special and I look forward to his letters every morning. It may not be much, but in this digital age I don’t think I mind slowing things down to a “Slow Clock” pace.

Did romance die so easily? In an “instant” world, I may have found my Prince Charming, but just at a slower interval.  Either way, only time will tell.

Stay tuned.

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A Prayer for Myself, so that I will Live to See Tomorrow

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Dear God. If you can hear me, I need your help now. I am drowning in the worst part of Bipolar Depression. I have nothing in my life to make it worth living. If I die tomorrow it won’t matter to anyone. I have been riding this low for months now and I think I want to end it all. Some days are good. Some days are worth living. As I type this, the screen is blurry from the tears in my eyes.

Why do I feel this way? I have so much to be grateful for. I have a car, I have all my needs met, I have a wonderful family, a man in my life who cares for me, even a wonderful penpal that writes me lovely words. Why am I digging at the bottom of the barrel for hope? Is it because I don’t have a career? Is it because I lost my drive and lust for life? Is it that I am approaching 40 and have nothing to show for it?  Never have I questioned my mortality before. I live in a den of sin where I have multiple orgasms by showing my tits and moaning for old married men and their wrinkly cocks. Why do I get perverse pleasure out of pretending to be a 19 year-old looking for 70-year-old men on sex sites? Why do I want a grandpa to cum for me? It’s a sickness and I think it’s part of the reason why God has turned a blind eye to me.

I have no respect for myself. For many years, I have slept with men in the hope they would love me. I slept with men on the first date because I thought they liked me, but they were using me. As the years went on, I grew older and found the internet to fulfill my sick sexual fantasies. I want a man to respect and love me, but how will I achieve this if I have none for myself? I admit I won’t even try online dating anymore, because I always end up in someone’s bed too soon. I am weak and vulnerable and all a man has to do is say a few articulate charming words and he will get me in bed. Ultimately, isn’t what they all want anyway? I have been reading blogs for years now, and never did I see a man on a quest for love. All I see is whining women crying about their miserable lives, like I am doing now.

Has the digital age condemned us? Has God forsaken us in the name of science and technology? I envy people who have faith. I envy people who can FEEL. I envy anyone who doesn’t have mental illness. I have no strength and I want to die. I am tired of being fuck meat for men. I am tired of living in sin.

The penpal that I spoke of is my real chance to enjoy a courtship for once, to express real feelings and take it slow. But every day it’s becoming harder to write because I only receive one letter a day. What did people do when they had to wait weeks, or even months to hear from their beloved?  I have to pull myself out of the niche of instant gratification. I need to take my time with this man. His life is in turmoil from his words, and I seem to be the only light he has. I shouldn’t be so selfish to extinguish my light. I mean, what will my best friend, (the love of my life), do? What will my parents do? What will my little sister do?

Dear God, thank you for the strength. Thank you for the clarity and ease for me to write down all my thoughts so I don’t fall into despair. I will not die today. I will get through on to tomorrow. Like Scarlett O’Hara said when she lost her Rhett, “after all, tomorrow is another day.”

Stay tuned.

 

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My Bearded Warrior

bearded warrior

As he comes to me in my thoughts and in my dreams, I stir with passion.

His blue eyes sparkle as I imagine his bearded cheek caressing me in my slumber.

It will be a difficult road because he has faced many challenges.

Will he want me at his side?

That is the question that remains unseen.

The passion that ignites between us has a hint of melancholy because there are so many obstacles in our path.

I struggle with bipolar, he struggles with depression and anxiety.

He works extra hard in his life and the years are just beating down upon him.

Like a warrior though, he remains strong and vigilant, untethered by time or circumstance.

As he looks at my caramel skin in my slumber, the softness erects his burning desires.

He watches me sleep, what does he think about? Does he know my dream?

He can see me clear across the oceans where time and space has no meaning.

We exchange letters like ancient lovers, in a digital age where everything has become so instant.

It’s time to slow down and look at the big picture. Where will this go?

Let’s not think about that now my love, let’s think about now. Us.

He stirs in me great passion, it’s undeniable.

As I turn and toss, my loins burn with pleasure at the thought of him.

His eyes burn into my soul, as my caramel skin yearns to be touched with desire.

Hands and fingers tease my essence as I dream of our love affair.

The night beckons us, as morning comes and he writes another letter.

I awake, and he’s not there. A memory of his blue eyes on me.

The next move is yours, my bearded warrior.

 

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Reflecting on my Two Years with WordPress

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I oftne wonder, where has the time gone?  So many things have gone down that I am just trying to make sense of it all. Yet I am here still feeling alone? How did that happen? Is it just because being bipolar time has stopped for me and I have no one left in my life? In all honesty I think I am partly to blame for that.

I recently left a message for the Irish Gentleman on Skype. I told him to pretend I was dead and to leave me the fuck alone. I caught him stalking me on my Twitter and on Facebook which caused me to get a whole new Social Media account. I also left behind my blog of over 300 followers months ago, partly because of him. It’s odd. WordPress sent me a notification that I have made it to a two-year anniversary of blogging. Where was I two years ago? Deep in a relationship with the Viking God. He was all sexual, all the time. I let him have his way with me because I had zero self-respect for myself. I thought that through sex, I would be able to get this man to love me. How stupid is that?

Anyway, reflecting on the past two years has taught me a lot. I was hospitalized last year and went through some crazy episodes. Now what am I doing? Trying to rebuild my life. I actually applied to some jobs this afternoon which I am very proud about. I think I have to take new steps in a better direction. I have cut out most of the negative crap in my life, but old habits die-hard. Azure leaving me was the biggest upset this past year. How do you talk to someone for two years, and then just cut them out of your life so suddenly without warning? My guess is that he got himself a girlfriend. It’s the only logical conclusion I can come up with,

Through all of the stuff I have been dealing with, God has been at the epicenter. I feel that all my pain and struggling is because I lost His voice. In trying to reconnect with the Almighty, I have made the conclusion that I need to take things slow. I need to continue relationships that have value, (like the love letters that I write to someone every day, but more on that later).  I have grown so much over the past two years that I think  the stars and the universe have so much more in store for me. I just got to look up……and listen. I will hear Him again. I will hear God and the universe again, I just have to be patient.

Stay tuned.

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Another Letdown, What is Life Telling Me?

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I am so distraught. My anxiety has never been higher. Yet another person had entered my life and played games with my heart. Why do I allow this to happen? Am I that gullible? Is my heart so open that I allow wretched souls like this to come in and destroy me? I will admit after my last post I didn’t pray. I mean what is the point? It’s not like God is going to hear me. I have no faith, I have such a hole in my heart.

I gave this guy a chance. He lives far away, and we were trying to coordinate time schedules so that we could stay in contact. I need consistency in my life so when his stupid method of communication fails, (he set up dummy accounts to talk to me), and I end up waiting and waiting, I sit and think, why the hell am I doing this? Men who are serious about a woman do everything in their power to keep a good line of communication open. Is it so hard to ask to have a WhatsApp or even an email that notifies you on your phone so I can get a straight answer? I am tired. I am literally exhausted. I am running around the internet to fill this hole in my heart and I always end up in tears. Why does this happen? Why God have you forsaken me?

I am going to stop it now. I am going to go back to the Texan. He may be a horrible human being, but at least he is consistent. Did I really just excuse his actions of being a dick and hurting me just so I can have a little attention? Am I that desperate?

I am sitting here and checking my email hoping that other guy would miraculously say “I was wrong, I need you, come back to me.” What a joke. A bullshit fairytale. He didn’t want to share personal information with me “too soon.” That’s code for: married, ladies.  I am proud of myself though. Usually I would sit around waiting for hours. “Know your worth.” That’s what I keep telling myself.

I am a fool. I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I fell hard because I wanted it to work so badly, because I was starting to feel things for the Texan and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. Why won’t God help me? Why has he gone silent? In times like this, I would get on my knees, pray and cry, and then pick myself up and move on. But I have no spirit, I have no faith. Fuck you bipolar. Fuck you stupid meds. I want to feel again. Why can’t I feel? Why am I so numb and broken? I am starving and I can’t eat. I am so thirsty but I can’t drink. I am so broken and I can’t pray. I am just so screwed up and heartbroken. Again.

Why won’t this stop? Why do I keep letting these horrible men into my life? Checking my email again. Nothing. I want to cry so bad the tears won’t come either. I feel so awful. My body is shaking, my heart is so broken. Why did I think this time would be different? I need to focus. Turn this negativity outward and stop beating myself up. I grow tired as I write this. I think I am going to crawl into a ball and go to sleep. Sleeping again at 3:24pm on a beautiful day because I am so screwed up. I can’t break this vicious cycle of this online existence. I have no friends, I have no one. No one I can out with and have a cup of coffee and feel better about my life. I am so alone. Why don’t I just die already? What is the point of this shit?

Time to sleep, perhaps to dream.

Stay tuned.

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