Lust, Confusion, Pain and So Much Fear

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So today I woke up in an incredibly horny state, but in a total fog of confusion and pain as well. My head is not on straight. I think I am fighting off both mania and depression at the same time. Have you ever felt ripped in half? I do, I am in total uncertainty. I spent 12 hours chatting yesterday with Arkansas Man, (I can’t think of a more creative name because my head is total mess), and today I woke up in a haze, almost like a bad hangover.

Arkansas Man really has an annoying personality; he comes off as rude and is kind of a jerk. But do I like that? I don’t even think so. I am drowning. This feels like I am spiraling down into a deep abyss. I have absolutely no one I can talk about this with because I have shut the door on my bipolar friend. Honestly? I think it’s time I back off from him for a while. He’s got a lot going on, and I feel like I can’t count on him anymore. He really let me down, and I can’t take that type of behavior at this point in my life. I have my therapist today and my doctor tomorrow. I really, REALLY need to start taking care of myself.

I am not feeling good. I am getting lost and losing myself. I turned my back on the Pilot and I also haven’t heard from Kurio. I feel like I need to get fucked. Like some real, dirty raunchy sex. What is happening to me? I can’t get a grip. I don’t think meds can fix this, and I am very scared. I am really having a hard time and I don’t know what to do. I called my best friend, but he is at work and he suggested I call my family. I don’t want to worry them. I really don’t know what to do. I am so, so scared. I feel like I am drowning so fast and I have absolutely no one who can help me. I haven’t been this lost in so long, and I am trying my best to hold things together. Hold on, little one, hold on just a little bit longer. If I can make it through the next two hours, or the next two minutes, I think I will be okay. I don’t want to go to the hospital, they will give me so much drugs. I am so frightened. Why am I so scared?

Focus. I came here to write. Focus. Don’t let it slip away. There is a war going on inside of me. Bipolar is so terrible. I wish I understood it. God, I really need my bipolar friend today, but I can’t reach out to him, he will just let me down. I have no one to call, no one to talk me through this. I am not suicidal so I can’t call a suicide hotline. I am just 50 shades of Bipolar. That’s what this is. It’s like a rollercoaster of emotion I am feeling. So many different feelings going through my being, into my soul. It almost feels like a spiritual awakening, like when something is forcing its way out of a cocoon.  Could it be, that something is happening to me? Is it because I bonded with the Pilot spiritually and now I am ignoring him, I am getting a universal backlash? Ugh, come on, that’s crazy talk.

My lust was insatiable this morning. I climaxed two times in a row, both to porn and some seedy man on the internet. I feel so dirty, so unpure. Maybe I should beg for God’s forgiveness? I am so lost. I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole. Down, down, down, she goes. There is no bottom though. Just blackness at the bottom. Just a deep dark hole of despair.

Please God, get me through the next two hours. Please God get me through the next five minutes. I am really, really scared. I almost feel like a little girl again, right after my Dad gave me a lashing. Crying in the corner, scared, confused and so, so alone. Please help. I am so, so  alone. Just two more hours, just five more minutes. I can do this. I am stronger than this. I have kicked Bipolar’s ass before, I can do it again. I just wish someone was there to hold my hand, or just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Please help.

The tears are coming now.

So dirty, so unpure and shunned in God’s eyes.

Just keep it together a little more.

Just a little more.

Stay tuned.

 

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Scream

sn-scream

Scream with anger

Scream with hate

No one can relate

At your end

Wrestling with both poles

Never knowing what else will come

Everyone that lets you down

You just scream with hate even more

Lock yourself away

Die in a hole

It won’t matter to anyone anyway

Scream, scream, scream

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

No one hears

Like ever

Cause you’re dead

And it doesn’t matter anymore

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How Do YOU Deal With Being Alone?

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So how do you cope? This thing called “alone” is something that a lot of people don’t deal with because they don’t want to. They fill it. With Facebook, SnapChat, Tinder, friends, family, potential mates, everyone to hide from the big fat monster of LONELINESS. What if the big fat monster is all you have? Okay, I am being dramatic, I have people, but they aren’t always there. I mean I could try to sit down and read a book, but who really does that shit anymore? I am working, yes, but it’s not enough hours. I need SOMETHING to fill my time.

I have flirted back and forth with being in a relationship. The Pilot thinks we are in one. I got News for him! I should really do something about that because I am totally leading this guy on, and it’s not right. No news from Kurio via email and it’s been almost five days, total dead-end there. And my sex partner, well, I can’t deal with that shit. I really don’t want to date. I don’t want to “Tinder” or “OKCupid” it, I just want someone to talk to, to communicate with. I don’t find joy in much anymore. No TV, nothing online really entertains me, and we already know how I feel about reading. So what do people DO?

I have tried MeetUp.com and there is NOTHING in my area. I mean there is a game night that is local, but that’s in the evening when I spend time with my best friend. I mean I HAVE people, but at 1:30pm in the afternoon I am just staring at walls. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I suppose I could pray, but I have been feeling kind of jaded and I don’t really think God is listening anyway.

I am really scared of this med change. I should never have changed doctors.  The meds are working great now, and now that they are working great do I really want them changed? I think it is my choice after all, and I would really like to be off of the narcotic. I may have to force myself to do this change, even if it means affecting my sleep. Then again, maybe not. Hell, I don’t even know. I just don’t want to anger this new doctor. The best thing I can do is be honest, and say “look, the old regimen is working, let’s just leave it as that.” I may have a surgery coming up and I really don’t want to start messing with my meds.

Bipolar life is hard. Sigh. I wish I found joy in things. I am relaxed though. I am burning some Native American incense and enjoying the very cool rainy weather. Gloomy days are my haven; where they are depressing for some, I feel revitalized in them. So, what do I do now? I mean I sat here and wrote this nonsensical ranting piece, so what now? WHAT NOW? I suppose I can go sit in a chat. At least it’s not Adult Chat. God that place is a horror show. I have been spending a little more time in Singles Chat. I met a nice guy there yesterday to flirt with and pass the time. Those are really good chats. There was no pressure to stay in touch or anything, and honestly I will probably forget about him in a day or so.. I guess I find joy In connecting with people. There is something really sexy and mysterious about connecting with a stranger anonymously. You sit there and just imagine that they are a hunky stud, and they sit there an imagine you as a really hot chick.

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Funny picture right? It couldn’t be MORE accurate!

So where do we go from here? I don’t know really, I guess that’s up to fate. So much time I am just wasting. I feel like I could be doing so much more.

What is your contribution to the world?

I wish I knew what mine was.

Stay tuned.

 

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Waking Up To No One…Is it THAT Bad?

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What happens when you wake up completely alone? I mean with like no significant other, no friends to go to lunch with, family not around, and you’re just ALONE. It hit me just now, as I was thinking of something to type. I am really lonely, and I have no idea why. I think my meds are finally working straight, but I changed doctors so now I have to try new stuff, and I kinda don’t want to. I am a mess really, and I am just trying to figure stuff out.

Things aren’t going so well. I haven’t heard from the Pilot today and I am inches away from blocking him. As nice as it is, I am not ready for all of that. I mean I like chatting and connecting with people, but as I think about it. Do I want to be In a relationship? Not really. I wrote about this not too long ago, I don’t really think I am ready for one. As sweet and loving as the Pilot is, I can’t really deal with it. It’s a tough decision because all I ever wanted was a guy to really care about me, have a spiritual connection, and make me feel like I mattered. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just enjoy this? Maybe it’s because I pictured the Pilot differently than his actual pictures. That has been rubbing me the wrong way for a while. When he showed me his picture, I remember chatting with him before and I had logged off when I saw it. I remember it distinctly, but I don’t think he does. He is quite handsome, with a killer smile, but something is off with me. I guess if you just don’t feel it, you just don’t feel it. The hardest part is going to be making my exit. I won’t ghost him, he is owed more than that, and I really hate when people do that either way.

But is this why I will never wake up to anyone? Have I set my standards so high that no one will come close? Honestly, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am madly in love with my best friend. Things aren’t working out with any of these guys because my heart is in a completely different place. My best friend is a loner. He won’t come around to cohabitation for another 20 years, in my opinion. So where does that leave me? I am on a never-ending quest for love, but ultimately, it is a dead-end venture. I need to really come to terms with things. As I am learning about myself, I am becoming more aware of my needs and what really matters to me. Sometimes I can get really involved and fall head over heels for a guy, but these days I think my inner wisdom is telling me a better message.

The Pilot was talking about marriage and kids and I could feel myself getting queasy. Kurio hasn’t written me, and honestly I don’t care. I just need something to do rather than spending time online waiting around for “Mr. Right.” I mean the Pilot is pretty perfect, so honestly, I don’t have any idea who “Mr. Right” could be. I really think I have wised up, and I am now looking to take care for myself rather than chasing after guys. I want good things for myself. I want to be healthy, I want a career, and furthermore I want to kick Bipolar’s ass. I haven’t had any real symptoms in a while. Even that “high” I was feeling has dissipated.

Maybe this is the wake-up call I needed. “Waking up to no one” has become my mantra because I do quite like my big comfy bed. Do I really NEED a man? Will I DIE without one? I really don’t think so. The real truth is it’s all online fantasy. I am starting to live in reality, so the fantasy is looking pretty unappealing. Finally, I am peeling back the layers and seeing things as they are. And you know what’s left? Just me. Me, taking caring of myself, and doing my thing, and that’s aces in my book.

Whatever adventure there is for me is out there in the real world, not online.

Pearls of wisdom to live by.

Stay tuned.

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No More Wedding Blues

wedding

So it’s official. My 37 year-old cousin is FINALLY getting married. I have to say, not only am I jealous and distraught over it, but I am being completely selfish about it too. How dare she? We were supposed to die as old maids with a bunch of cats. As I thought about her, and my own life, my sadness melted away and I am actually really happy for her. Our lives have different paths. And honestly, she has been living with this guy for about 5 years now, so it’s about god damn time he asked her to marry him. I mean what’s the hold up? I remember her last boyfriend strung her along for close to 15 years who “didn’t believe in marriage.” That was the biggest crock I ever heard. You’re with someone for more than a decade and you don’t “believe” in marriage? Ugh. Anyway, good for her, I am glad she finally got the commitment she always wanted.

As for me, I was bawling last night. All of it came crashing down, and I had myself a really good cry. I don’t know what brought it on really, it could be the yo-yo of emotion I am going through because of all the bipolar shit, or it could be that I was genuinely disappointed in myself. I had just finished having a four-hour conversation with this guy I had orgasmic sex with last week, and I realized that even though he “claimed” he wasn’t interested in just sex, he was forever tainted to me. I don’t know, he was really horny and kept steering the conversation towards sex, and honestly, I was really getting turned off. No matter what he said or did, I thought in my mind that he just wanted sex and I felt sick to my stomach about it. Is this what my life has become? A concubine for men online to just jerk off to, while my cousin is approaching her nuptials? When was I gonna grow the fuck up?

I told the Pilot last night, (after I had finished bawling my eyes out), that maybe I should start dating again and leave the online world behind. For a split second I thought about it, then I was knocked back into reality. Did I really want to go back into online dating? Do I need all those penis pictures and cheap lines for casual sex? Come on, let’s face it, 75% of the guys on those sites are just looking for sex.  And that last 25%? Well they know they are a good catch, so they are “keeping their options open.” Now I am not man-bashing in any way. This is just what it is. For women and men. I think for the most part women don’t want to settle either. So why was I really crying? I know it can’t be that I was jealous of my cousin getting married, I have a great life. I have a good time online, and I have a man in my life (my best friend), who I am destined to grow old with. So what’s the problem with me?

Honestly, I think it’s the “idea” of the “wedding.” I believe in the fairy tale. I want a man to devote himself to me forever in front of all of our friends and families and live happily ever after. I mean who doesn’t want that? But, jokes on me, it’s a fantasy. There is NO SUCH THING as happily ever after. Sure, you could be in love and everything, but for a person like me? I think I would be miserable. How am I gonna show my tits to random men and get off? How am I going to keep all my online boyfriends? How will keep my freedom and be married? And then I will actually have to LIVE with a man again. Ugh, three times won’t be a charm for me. The first two times were no picnic.

Anyway, I am happy with the way things are. I see a bright future ahead. I even see things developing with Kurio too, even though he is pretty guarded. All in all I have a good life. It’s me, my job, my family, my best friend, my bipolar friend from the UK, and my bipolar. Even though it is not ideal, it is what I have. I also have my many suitors that take care of me in other ways. The Pilot, the UK guy, and Kurio all have their place in my life. So I am not getting married. Big deal. Nothing to cry over or get dramatic about. I have a companion to spend the rest of my life with. I think in the end, that’s all I really need.

No more wedding blues for me.

Stay tuned.

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When the Dust Settles, Is it Really Love?

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Orgasms aside, how do you know it’s love? I mean, REALLY know. And for that matter, can you be in love with two people at once? Things are going really well with the Pilot, and I am getting more engrossed with him as the days progress. But Kurio, oh Kurio, you continue to surprise me. He writes for pleasure, (and others’ too apparently), and I have to say I was blown away by his story on Literotica, called “The Sessions,” read it here if you want to get a little more than excited this afternoon/evening: The Sessions – By Kurio I have to say I was a little more than excited myself, after reading that.

But when the dust settles, who will I choose? The Pilot, or Kurio? I have to say I am at a loss. Through all of it though, I think it has become a lot more to me than just sex. I met someone a week ago who I had the most orgasmic sex with, but now, I can’t bring myself to talk to him. It’s almost we have nothing to talk about BUT sex. There is no more mystery, no more excitement, and it is apparent that he just wants to “get off” more than anything. How does it deteriorate so fast?

Spiritually, I am looking for more. The excitement, the thrill of words is what is orgasmic to me. I find the written word to be powerful, and when you meet the man/woman behind the words you are in complete awe of them. That’s what I felt like when I wrote a letter to Kurio about his story. It was almost as if I was talking to a celebrity. I have read stories before, but none ever made me feel so vulnerable, so innocent and so naughty all at the same time.

What are you trying to tell me God? I know I should be open to the Universe more, but what do I do here? On one hand, me and Kurio have such history and he is a wonderful writer and I fell in love with his words. The Pilot is adventurous, handsome, confident and completely focused, mostly on me. These two vie for my love and attention, and sometimes I feel like I am not being honest to either one of them. Spiritually? I have never been more in tune with things. My medicine will be shifting, so I think it will have a profound affect on my emotions in the upcoming months. I honestly don’t know what to do. I am going to pray on it I think. Something I haven’t done in a long time.

Is it love or infatuation that I feel for these men? The last element of course is my best friend. A man who has seen at my absolute worst and is still by my side. Deep down, I feel that all of these guys are passing flings and he will be the one I will end up with. So what am I doing here? I think honestly, my health is more important. I feel bad that I cancelled my doctor’s appointment today to have a quick orgasm. I don’t know, sometimes all a girl needs is a sexy treat.

We will see what happens.

Stay tuned.

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The Keys to the Universe, and Uh, Romance?

universe-love

So, I hunkered down and watched William Shatner’s “Truth in the Stars” on Netflix and was totally blown away. And romance? Well that has been like a high-flying adventure in the stars too! I mean, my current flavor of the month disappeared tonight, and even though I am a little sad, I am not devastated. And as a bipolar, obsessive mess, that’s like a miracle!

Anyway, today I met with my new psychiatrist. He seemed a bit nervous and caught off-guard by the fact I wanted to change doctors after 5 years of being with the old one. Well, to be honest it just wasn’t working. My mania has been in high gear, and my sleep has been totally screwed. I can’t even say screwed, it’s been straight up fucked. I need something to get myself regulated and get off this narcotic drug I was put on years ago called Klonopin, which has me like a zombie most mornings. But enough of that, hopefully all that will get sorted with this new doctor.

Anyway, back to the universe! Boy, that documentary was pretty good, it’s a must watch if you’re a Science Fiction fan, and bonus points if you’re a Star Trek fan! It’s been 50 years!! I always felt the universe had a mission for me, or put people in my life that were meant to show me some wonderful things.

Enter, “Pilot.” Now, Pilot is a cute sea-green eyed, 6’2″ 38 year-old hottie, from Tampa Florida. He is a helicopter pilot, (or so he says), and is ever so focused. Like literally when I talk to him, there could be bombs going off, and he would be completely focused on me. He makes me feel absolutely beautiful and special, and this is going to be a romance to remember. It’s very serendipitous that he came into my life at this time. I really needed him right now.

In other news, the Astronomer passed by my chat box for some hot cyber sex the other night. But he’s another one that drops off the map while you’re in the middle of your coitus. Like WTF dude??  He will pop up again, I’m sure, at some later date. Why do I put up with him? I can’t get enough of his hot body!  Haha, so shallow of me, I know!

Things are also heating up with Kurio. He wrote me four letters yesterday, and that must be come kind of record for us. I am really enjoying my romance with him too. So many options! I have to admit I have never felt so free and in control. I have missed this feeling for some time. What will the future hold? What are the keys to the Universe? I think it is really just living in the moment and enjoying every bit of what life has to offer. I mean it’s not everyday that you have orgasmic sex and fall in love with another in the same week! I don’t think I mentioned my night of orgasmic sex on this blog yet, but just know that it happened not too long ago!

I have never felt sexier. I mean I am also making real moves to improve my life too. Health and body wise, I mean. The first step was changing doctors and now it will be to see my Primary Doctor tomorrow to help me with my thyroid problem. Then I will start my weight-loss journey later this year. Fifty pounds outta do it I think. I mean I am curvy and hot as hell, but I could use a little work on my belly and maybe some on my thighs. Maybe I will get myself a personal trainer or something, I don’t know yet. All I know is I feel really good, and I have a job now where I can afford to do these things.

So, I am finally doing it. I am going “Boldly Where No One Has Gone Before.”  A special cheers to all you Star Trek fans out there!

We will see what the universe has in store for me tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

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