Trusting to Your Instincts

instincts

The moment of clarity. The time when you sit down with yourself and say, “Thank God I went with my gut.” Do you have them often? I know I don’t. Most of the time, I am lucky that my bouncing around the universe and countless shenanigans are not so completely crazy that I end up in a mental hospital. But oh, for the first time in a long time, it feels good to be Right!

All my whiny posts, have led me to this moment. Clarity. I don’t get it often, but I am thankful when I do. I recently spoke about an ex-lover and writing partner, who I used to get excited over every time he reappeared, even after countless ghosting. The Literary. All too damn predictable. Not ONLY did he ghost me for what seems the thousandth time, but I honestly am finally NOT surprised and definitely NOT hurt by it. This NEED he had to stay in contact with me yesterday, was an all to familiar song and dance. A song and dance in which I always end up being the only one left on the dance floor, wondering where my partner went.

I guess the only question I ask myself is WHY??? Why do people ghost? Why are there zombies too? (The ones that resurrect and come back from oblivion to haunt you). I guess the only thing I can comfort myself with is that he is too young and immature to handle a commitment, (even though I wasn’t really interested in a romantic one this time). But isn’t that a little unfair to the younger generation? I know there are plenty of young people who can commit and handle a partnership, so what the hell is this guy’s problem?

Eh, it doesn’t matter, I just wanted to vent. I didn’t even want to write with him anyway, I had made my mind up about that. I am glad I trusted my instincts and didn’t get sucked into his game again. It is so, so sad though. How people just run through life, making connections and just becoming a perpetual ghost. Like an absolute dick, and repeat offender kind of ghost. Wherever the Literary is, I feel sorry for him. He will never be able to find joy in life. But that doesn’t hold weight on my shoulders any longer. “I have exorcised the demon!” Haha.

Tonight was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. The Captain was not only by my side, but we got to completely geek out on a monster of a marathon of nothing but Star Trek. That’s right! 48 hours of Star Trek movies on Starz/Encore this weekend, and it was SO much FUN reliving part of the wonder of my childhood with my current squeeze. We watched Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, laughed and joked about, “Double dumb ass on you!” “Nuclear Wessels,” and “They are not the Hell your Whales.” Then it was followed by a massive critique of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, in which we agreed on many of the faults, but also some of the great parts of humor and fun of the movie. It was a shame they tried to make it a “forced spiritual, brainwashing” type of plot. There is no room in Star Trek for any of that.

Anyway, I haven’t forgotten about my hunt for the ultimate, creative writing partner. I reached out to someone who wanted a “Rogue One” type plot, and that seemed perfect, but he never responded to my message. I guess he was scared off because I mentioned I like a heavy amount of story and not a lot of sleazy writing, sex and smut. Where the hell are all the good collaborative writers? Why is it that even in the writing community, guys want to just jack off, even when making a story? Ugh it’s so frustrating. Why not write with a woman you might ask? Well, I guess, I like the flirting, the tease, the anticipation, and the hint of sexuality. Hell, I might go all the way in. But it has to be done right, with care and patience, with a very engaging story, and a dialogue in the literature you are creating that speeds up the heart rate and tingle the senses. Not just sitting at your desk, writing about fucking blowjobs.

My patience is truly being tested, but I know I shall prevail.

Hopefully, that ultimate writer is out there waiting for me to message him.

The hunt continues.

Stay tuned.

 

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Some Skeletons Never Go Away…

favorite_books_heart

I am not going to lie and say it’s been butterflies and rainbows for the New Year. But oh, there were some surprises. Ever had an ex-lover pop-up out of the blue? How did you feel about it? Did you feel weird? I sure did. The Literary passed from my memory a while ago. I didn’t think much of him as I journeyed into my new relationship with The Captain. But he was of course, one of the most exciting, enthralling writing partners I had ever encountered.

Admittedly, yesterday was hard for me. I found out that an old friend passed away at a young age, and I was dealing with some regret and grief over it. I slept way too late, and tried my best to distract myself. One of the things I have been having the itch to do, is to write stories. I thought this was as good a time as any to start writing again. My best work has always been collaborations; I get the most fun out of world-building and complex character creations. For this, roleplaying sites were the answer.

I will admit, Adult Roleplaying sites are more lucrative. They have the most passionate and talented writers, who exhibit lots of depth and character. However, since it’s an “Adult” Roleplaying site, the “sex” factor is automatically implied. I don’t have a problem writing steamy scenes with a partner, in fact, I embraced it with The Literary. What I do have a problem with is the fact that most men on those sites have certain expectations when it comes to the sex/story ratio. I am irritated how much emphasis is put on the sex part; I don’t know if it’s just me, but that should come naturally so it will be enjoyable.

Or maybe not.

My senses have come in to question because when the Literary showed up tonight, after disappearing for months, I was not as excited as I should have been. It is serendipitous that he has surfaced again at the same time that I have been craving a writing partner, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like writing with him at all. Initially there was some excitement; his words flowed and we fell into a dance of exquisite literature and flirtation, and it seemed almost flawless. Almost. As he started to pitch me his story ideas, and he started to sing the same song of “let’s keep in touch and write together,” I felt a knot in my stomach. He is full of shit. He has always been full of shit, and I feel like I have had one of those “Aha” light bulb moments someone gets when they realize that their ex-lover was a waste of time and energy, and they have no idea why they invested so much into them. He does this, he always has. He appears and shows interest for a week or so, maybe even a day, and then vanishes into oblivion. He is much younger than me, and when I used to think that he was fresh and exciting, the reality is that he is unreliable and immature.

I am totally numb. I mean when I took a trip down memory lane yesterday and opened up all my old messanger apps, what I saw there didn’t even phase me. The Quiet Man, who I had obsessed over for a few months last year, had removed me from Skype, and basically closed that chapter completely. Even the young actor I had a good time with a while ago reached out to me. I didn’t even check if the Astronomer tried to reach me either. And you know what? I don’t even care. I don’t feel anything in regards to them anymore, and it seems the same thing applies to The Literary. I used to be excited and hopeful to hear from him in the past, I mean I did for all of them, but now I am what these young people are calling, “meh.” Haha, I never thought I would use that term, but I think it definitely applies here.

Writing is my outlet, and it has been helpful in getting over my friend’s passing. This sudden itch to collaborate again is opening up doors for me, so I hope to find a good partner soon. I gave The Literary my e-mail address, but I am not holding my breath. He said he would send me his first chapter. *Eyeroll* What’s funny is, even if he does, I think I am the one who is going to vanish this time. I may have entertained him a bit tonight, but I think that’s a chapter I need to close too.

This has been a very eye-opening start to the New Year, and it has let me see some new truths about myself. I am no longer anyone’s doormat. I am not going to be available anymore for men to just come and go in my life as they please. I have the Captain. I think I’m done. All I need now is someone to write with that’s not a total pervert, and actually wants to write a story.

The hunt begins.

Stay tuned.

 

 

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My Petty Troubles Seem Infinitesimal In The Wake of a Tragic Loss

goodbye

Contemplating suicide. I have been there. Many people have. But what is it like to actually see death? I have taken this life for granted. Over the past few days, and into the New Year, I have been writing about my woes with bipolar, my damaging behavior, and just an overall unpleasantness. I even asked God to take my life. What an outrageous request. What a spoiled brat I have become. I am sitting here, mostly in shock, way past my bedtime, with a deafening pounding in my head.

I played around online tonight, and as the night turned into morning. I visited some of my old websites — forums, Skype, and Facebook for the first time in what feels like ages. Well it wasn’t ages for normal people, it was just since October, however in Social Media time, it was basically ages.

There were many messages and requests from people I haven’t talked to in a good long time on Facebook. When I resurfaced in October of 2017, I had basically shocked the shit out of everyone because I vanished right after my last hospitalization. In my manic, dramatic episode, I had basically cursed out everyone right before I deactivated my account and left Facebook, which I thought was for good. Upon my return, I quickly deleted that post from two years ago, and posted a current selfie letting everyone know I was alive and well, and wished them all the best. I was surprised at how many comments and messages I received; it seemed that not only had people remembered me, but they missed me and if they saw that crazed manic post they must have forgiven me.

One person in particular who messaged me, was my old friend Tracy Holden. She was so quick to message me right away with a jovial “Hi!!!” and was so excited to see me again. Tracy was one of the first female friends I made on AOL back in 2005. It was all the rage back then, and chatrooms were the place to be. It was all about fun and jokes, some trolling, (of course), camaraderie and a place to perhaps find true love. I mean “You’ve Got Mail” had just come out a few years prior, so everyone basically wanted the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan magical love story in cyberspace.

As we all came together in a common chatroom, we all became “regs,” shortened for “regulars,” kind of like what happened in “Cheers,” but in cyberspace. People formed relationships there, (including romantic), and we all sort of spent our nights fooling around, gossiping, and having a good time. There was PLENTY of drama of course, and honestly, being a “reg” in that chatroom was probably the most fun I ever had with a group of people, (as sad as that sounds). I mean, sure real life would have been better, but we formed bonds that lasted YEARS, and one couple from our chatroom even got married, and is STILL married to this day.

Anyway, Tracy and I became fast friends. We exchanged phone numbers and chatted and talked on the phone all the time. She wasn’t far, just a few states away in Erie, Pennsylvania, and she even came to New York one year for a visit, by train. My mom even remembers her visit, because she was always going outside to smoke. Boy did we have a good time that weekend, we got absolutely wasted!

But, As time passed, I became deeply immersed in my mental illness, and I lost track of Tracy, even though she had tried to call/text me many times over the years. She even sent me a Christmas card every year. Being a horrible friend that I am, because I am so busy with my own drama, Tracy became a distant memory and our friendship faded into the past.

But on that faithful day, just a few months ago, when I made my grand return to Facebook, Tracy was one of the first people to message me, and she treated me like we were the same best friends we were all those years ago, like no time had passed. I was in my usual impatient mode of course, like I always am, so I didn’t spend the time with her to catch up like I should have, because it seems there is always some more pressing matter that I have to attend to. Most likely it was sleep, because I am always in some kind of manic frame of mind when I decide to take a trip down memory lane.

Which brings me to tonight. It was sleep deprivation and a manic mind that sent me back to Facebook early this morning. As I answered some of the messages left for me since October, I glanced by Tracy’s page to see if she had taken any more pictures. I had forgotten to congratulate her on all her weight loss and tell her how fabulous she looked the last time we spoke. What I found on her page though, stopped my heart right in its tracks. There were countless “digital memorials” and condolences plastered all over her page. She couldn’t be dead, could she? I JUST TALKED TO HER IN OCTOBER!!! But it was true. There was a link to her obituary on her page. She died of a massive heart attack, at the tender age of 35.

Words can’t express what this feels like. I won’t profess to say she was my best friend, I honestly put her out of my thoughts, and didn’t even stick around to talk to her back in October. I am such a shitty friend for that, because that was the absolutely LAST time that I would ever talk to her. The guilt is palpable and it such an eye-opener.  The fact of the matter is I threw away our friendship and basically abandoned her. Abandoned a person that took the train all the way from a small town way out in Pennsylvania to come and see me and spend the weekend with me in my home. I know that at any time, I could have picked up the phone and called Tracy, and she would have welcomed me with open arms. But I discarded her, like I have done with so many of my friends, and I am sure many people done to their old friends too.

The fact is you will never know when someone will leave this world, and for Tracy, her time was way too early. She was just two years younger than me, and even as I am writing this, I still can’t believe that she is gone. I was a horrible friend, and I forgot about her over the years, and even when she remembered me and reached out to me right away, I didn’t take the time to talk to her like we used to, and to my despair and detriment it was the very last time I would ever get to speak to her. I have no words, or excuses for my behavior, or what it’s like to know that the old friend that was so close to me that I turned my back on, is now dead and gone.

I am so ungrateful to ask God to take my life, when Tracy’s life was taken from her way too soon. She was such a selfless person too, and always remembered her friends. I just wish I could talk to her now and tell her that I always appreciated how kind she was to me, and that it wasn’t her fault that we drifted apart. I will never get that opportunity, and as much as it hurts, I think it’s fair judgement. I didn’t deserve her friendship, and as much grief as I have in my heart, God Himself knows that this is a lesson I needed to be taught. Even if you aren’t a believer, let me tell you this, God works in mysterious ways and He DOES in fact HAVE a purpose, and when he teaches you a lesson, listen, and learn, because sometimes He doesn’t show you His miracles in grand gestures, sometimes they are very subtle. It is up to YOU to pay attention.

If you have a good friend out there that you used to be close with, but drifted apart from, give them a call or message them. Please. Even if it just to say ‘Hi.” Don’t be like me. Tracy deserved more from me in her short life, and I didn’t give it to her. It’s amazing, now that I know she is gone, all I can do is think about her, I just wish I would have thought about her more when she was alive.

I am so sorry Tracy, wherever you are, please forgive me. You were taken from the world too soon. But know this, I have found a new appreciation for life in memory of you. I won’t be so careless to throw my own life away so easily anymore, no matter how much pain I am in, because yours was taken from you when you had so much more to give to the world.

Rest in blessed peace my old friend.

Stay tuned.

 

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I Almost Lost the Man Who Loves Me Because I Didn’t Appreciate What I Have..

breakup

We have all been there right? We live in a society of what seems like a mountain of dopamine hits from social media and an obsession with instant gratification, so it only made sense that I began to fall in a hole of complete ungratefulness in my relationship. Things have been hard for me. I have been battling what seems like a shitstorm of bipolar mood swings and I have been hurting everyone around me.

Earlier today, I received a message from the Captain that he wanted to break things off with me because of all the suffering he has been through in our relationship. I am not going to sit here and say that it wasn’t my fault, or that I haven’t been distant, but I know for a fact that I have been taking him for granted. Like most people who are arrogant enough to think that their partner is “on the hook” or no one else will want them but you, I fell in a trap of not appreciating what I had. I saw myself intentionally back in the same old chat sites searching for a “hit” or a rush of meeting someone new, and blatantly ignoring the Captain and spending less time with him. I admit it, I got bored, and when the New Year was approaching, I found myself being completely irrational and picking fights and just making the Captain absolutely miserable.

Fighting mental illness is tough, but honestly, it’s no excuse to be an asshole and treat people like shit. I hold a lot of guilt in my heart for putting him through so much pain, but as much as I would like to say “bipolar did this,” I am going to be honest with myself and admit that I was really getting bored in the relationship and I was sabotaging what I had. It happens more often these days. Marriages end, relationships end, all because people are just not happy with what they have. The fact of the matter is, we spend so much time searching and searching and when we find it, and you come to a point of comfort, you start to take what you have for granted.

This man has treated me better than anyone I have ever known. We are very much in the same place in life, and we understand each other very well. He is very loyal and chivalrous and makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I am spoiled rotten. When I sit down and think of the countless men that have trampled all over my heart the past few years, I somehow thought I was owed a good man to come along. And what happens when he does? I nearly destroy him and our relationship.

Being bipolar means living in the fast lane. Our mania makes us insatiable and our depression makes us unreachable. Loving someone with bipolar is extra difficult, because you never know which way we will swing. I learned a hard lesson through all of this. I am stubborn, petty, and I always want my way. The lesson learned here is that I can’t bully someone into seeing things my way and if I want a relationship to work I can’t guilt them into my view, so I must learn compromise.

I refused to walk away from our relationship, and I am lucky that the Captain was kind enough to hang in there and give me a second chance. I have to stop whipping him constantly with my mood swings and try my best to be more aware that I am dealing with another human being’s emotions and it isn’t all about “ME” and my mental illness.

I started this New Year off with a slap right into reality, and I think it’s just what I needed.

If you are in a relationship and they love you and you love them, remember what you have and appreciate them, because if you lose them, it might be the greatest mistake of your life.

Thank God I have such an understanding man.

Let’s hope I don’t fuck it up before the year ends.

Stay tuned.

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So Much Guilt in My Heart. A Rocky Start to the New Year…

anguish

Have you ever done something that you feel guilty for? Said something in anger or hurt someone without realizing it? I was faced with that tonight as I tried the repair the damage I had done to my social circle and of course, My Captain. I made my appearance tonight, all paved with good intentions, but as you all know how the saying goes, “that leads straight to Hell.” And did it ever. I made peace with my “Trek” family, had a few laughs, and even talked about my favorite Twilight Zone episodes that aired tonight. Things were going well……until my lovely bipolar, fucked up personality, made her grand appearance.

I don’t presume to know why I do the things I do, or say the things I say, but I just do them. And I fucking hurt people. I can’t even begin to explain the guilt in my heart. I know being bipolar over the years has hurt people. My mother, my father, my sister, my best friend, and the countless others that have crossed my path in my life. I just really hurt people.

I hurt the man who loves me deeply tonight. The Captain. The man who has shown me infinite patience and understanding over the past few months. I just keep doing it. Over and over again, round and round, till I know he eventually will leave me. I got him so upset over something so trivial, it is not even worth mentioning. The worst part is when I tried to repair the situation, by expressing the deep pain I was in, I only made things worse. Sometimes people don’t want to hear about your pain, your defective mental illness, and all the reasons why you are so screwed up. He mentioned to me how “raw” I was lately, and I couldn’t lie to him anymore. I couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. All the hurt and pain that I have buried, tucked away, in all my years of trauma and mental illness came pouring out, and truth be told, he couldn’t handle it. He left me, (I don’t even know if it’s permanent), in a pool of my own tears, feeling so much worse, and now it is compounded with all his pain I caused on top of my own.

As Sally Owens said in a wonderful monologue from one of my favorite movies, Practical Magic, “I don’t know, maybe I have had my happiness already.” Is that what God is trying to tell me? That I have enjoyed being in love, so that’s it, I am done? Let’s not get into the fact that my spirituality is completely cut off due to the numbness of my pills, but is there a message in all of this? The Captain has been trying really hard; probably harder than any man I have known. Will he last the test of time that my best friend has?

I am a very hard woman to love. My bipolar diagnosis makes me a total monster and the guilt that I cause with the wreckage I leave behind me, is too much to bear any longer. Should I walk away and spare him? I have searched for him for so long. He completed me in so many ways, made me feel sexy and desired and ended my search of “The One.” Things seemed to finally be in place, and ever since Christmas, I have felt this dark cloud looming over my head, almost as if I am suddenly cursed.

This is not how I wanted to start the New Year. I am in such deep pain that no alcohol, pills, or therapy can help me. I can’t seem to get it right. I feel like I am making so many mistakes and I am hurting the one person who loves me more than anything in the world. The guilt of my actions is palpable. I wish I wasn’t who I was. I wish to God I hadn’t been cursed with this godforsaken mental illness.

I wish I was never born. So much hurt and pain I have caused in my life, and so many scars I have left on so many people’s hearts.

Clarence told George Bailey that “no man is ever alone who has friends” at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life. But if I had a Guardian Angel I would ask him, “but what if you hurt those friends that care for you so much?”

I am drowning in a sea of guilt. The knife in my heart is in deep, only because I put it there. The man who loved me walked away from me tonight because he couldn’t take it anymore. If he is smart, he will stay away for good.

I don’t deserve to be loved. All I do is leave carnage of good people’s feelings.

If God can hear me, my only prayer is that he take my life. I am so tired of fighting mental illness, and I am so tired of trying. Most of all, I am so utterly and completely tired of hurting those who love me.

May the day of my death be the first of the year.

I can’t express enough how much pain I feel.

I am drowning deeply, in a sea of monumental guilt and anguish.

I am so, so sorry for all I have done.

Stay tuned.

 

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When You Know You’re Doing Wrong, But You Do It Anyway…

Start-loving-yourself

Have you ever just thrown yourself a pity party? I mean just really reveled in it. Like, there is really no reason for it, almost to the point where you would consider yourself a spoiled brat even, but yet you do it. I don’t even think I am even doing this to myself for attention, because I am not posting any “poor me” posts anywhere or even reaching to anyone with sad texts and voicemails. I am basically sitting here, feeling so sorry for myself and basically twisting the blade into my own chest, with no one witnessing it.

I know I am doing wrong. I know this is my own personal Hell I am creating, and honestly I don’t have a damn thing to be sad about. I may not be rich, famous, or even gorgeous, but I have a really good life. Is it just a human defect that we all have, that we just can’t be fucking happy with life? Not everything is shit, I mean, people always say that life is not all butterflies and rainbows, but why do people beat the hell out of themselves for what seems like no reason? As I am doing my own personal self-reflection, I am becoming really angry with myself. I refuse to just say, “well that’s just being bipolar.” Fuck that. Too many people use their mental illness as a copout. Look, don’t get me wrong, dealing with mental illness is so damn hard, trust me I know, but should we all just blame everything on that?

I feel deep pain and I don’t know where it is coming from. My usual routine of beautifying myself and treating myself went out the window today after I woke up from 12 hours of sleep,  (actually just 9 hours, the last 3 was just me trying to hide under the covers from life). I don’t even have the strength or courage to eat, even though I know I should, and I feel hungry. Why is it that we do this? I know I am wrong, but I am doing it anyway. I feel like I need to get up and slap myself a few times to get my head on right. If I was in the army, the drill sergeant would have a field day with me. “Get off your damn ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you ungrateful lazy maggot!!!” I can hear my inner voice just screaming that at me.

Why is it we torture ourselves, when things could be so much worse? Why can’t we see all the good? Why is it that when we see the most beautiful serene picture, all we focus on is the tiny blemish that may or may not even be there? I love the saying, “we make a mountain out of a molehill,” that just seems to fit what I am feeling.

I don’t profess to know why people do what they do. Why some people just can’t let go of that bad relationship, or find themselves drinking themselves into oblivion. As humans, I think we go out of our way to destroy ourselves. We seek “highs” in any form we can get them, and even when things are going good for us, we just can’t be fucking happy.

I don’t think what I am going through has anything to do with me being bipolar. I think it is just me being human and dealing with “life on life’s terms,” (a saying that my therapist told me was his favorite).

Whatever you are struggling with this New Years, try to leave that shit in 2017. One of the things I am going to have to learn for the future, is to stop being such a damn coward. My life is full of a million treasures, I just wish to God I knew how to enjoy them.

Cheers to being thankful and to stop being miserable.

We make our own Hell, far worse than what other people can do to us.

The only resolution I have is to stop beating myself up so much. There is no one holding the knife in my chest, so why I am twisting it deeper and deeper in my heart for no reason?

I wish you all kind thoughts and wisdom to love yourselves for 2018, (saving some for myself as well).

Stay tuned.

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A New Year’s Plan to Enlightenment

happy-new-year-2018

Have you ever had the worst luck ever at the most inopportune time? Have you ever wondered if your karma is coming in for payment? This was supposed to be an amazing week, Christmas was at the head of the week, and I had plans with my best friend, (and love of my life), and then with my sister to take a cruise around Manhattan for her birthday.

Christmas just killed me because I had such a bad reaction to the Seroquel, that I was totally emotionless and cruel. I had hurt the Captain and was literally kicking myself in the ass for it, even though I really can’t help that the medication has those kinds of side effects and I am a bipolar mess. The week got worse, because when I did end up seeing my best friend, the movie theater we had planned to go see “The Last Jedi” in miraculously lost power, (something which never happened to me in my life going to the movies). He had travelled over 40 miles to see this movie with me, and THIS had to happen. We ended up just having lunch, but all that driving to spend just an hour together? That really sucked.

That brings me to today. Last year at this time, I planned the “Silver Bells” Statue of Liberty Brunch Cruise around Manhattan and it was a nice crisp 50 degrees in NYC, which is warm and seasonable, but still within Winter’s limits. This year? It had to be 10 degrees, (one of the coldest Decembers in NYC history), and we were going on the boat cruise again. Fuck me. When I booked this trip months ago I hadn’t planned on it being so damn cold. We bundled up and made a day of it, and even though we really froze our ass off, the sun was out and bright, so we got some good pictures.

I know these aren’t horrible things. I did get to see my best friend (even though we couldn’t see the movie), and I did get to enjoy the Boat Cruise with my sister, but these minor inconveniences happened that made it SLIGHTLY less enjoyable than it could have been. I know I should count my blessings because things could have gone a lot worse, and people have it worse off, but come on God, give me a break will ya? I already got this Bipolar Unholy Hell cursed upon me, the least I could get was my plans coming through. But I guess, we made the best of it, so I should be thankful, (although honestly being human means we are just naturally unsatisfied when things don’t go right).

The cherry on top was this evening after I got home from my trip to the city. Without going into details, let’s just say I completely ruined my Star Trek experience within my community that I had become a part of, and the Captain, got very upset, yet again. This time it wasn’t all my fault, but now I realize that my completely dramatic behavior is not only affecting the Captain, but my Star Trek family as well.

Being bipolar has become this cross I have had to bear. Many people who suffer from Mental Illness lose friendships and lovers due to the fact that their moods and swings alienate them from people and “society.” I remember during one manic episode, (before I was hospitalized two years ago), I had basically made a post on Facebook cursing out all my friends and then deactivating it. I know most people say “they are leaving Facebook forever” and then come back because ultimately they want attention, but I had actually left forever after that rant. Tonight after this recent blowout with my Star Trek community, I think I may have to give it up. My all around negative vibe and bad “juju” seems to be spilling over into this joyous group, and it is actually one of the healthiest communities around, (hardly any trolls).

The hardest part for me this New Year’s weekend, is getting through it alone. I would have loved to ring in 2018 with my Star Trek buddies, and with my Captain on my arm, but not only do I feel awkward about going back, I feel alienated because of all my bipolar tendencies. I can’t seem to get it together lately and have a good time, and I don’t know if it’s my fucking lot in life to be miserable. Why the hell did I get suicidal tonight? I scared the shit out of the Captain and now that I am going to have to take some time and work out some things, he is going to worry that I killed myself because I don’t plan on being “reachable” for the next few days. Why don’t I just tell him I am okay and that I am working things out alone? Good question. You know why I won’t do the sensible thing? Because my irrational bipolar mind WANTS him to think I am dead. WHY do we do that to people?

I need to find God this weekend as I ring in the New Year on my own, and I also need to find my center. I really wish I can do that even though this goddamn Seroquel is making me so numb. Is my spiritual path meant to be halted, and with my karma being so dirty, that things are just screwing up all over the place? I don’t understand it. I went to a few Tibetan stores in the West Village today, and I picked up a book called “It’s Up to You” by Dzigar Kongtrui. I think Self-Help, spiritual books are a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but I am going to try to have an open mind and give this one a chance. “The Power of Now” did absolutely NOTHING for me and people swear by it, but I am going to try this. I am also going to try to leave my pessimistic, crappy attitude on the back burner for now.

I shitted on everything that I held close to my heart recently, so I need to step back and start on my road to enlightenment. This bipolar shit has ruined every kind of relationship and friendship I have ever had, so I need a game plan to battle it, that way I can reintegrate myself back into my community and my relationship with the Captain. Meditation and some deep prayers should help. I just hope God listens to me and I hear him back. I took a big leap tonight by vocalizing myself, (instead of shutting down and disappearing), but I still managed to get suicidal and dramatic. Ugh. This is getting out of control and it needs to stop.

I pray for the courage to help me battle my illness.

I pray for a Good New Year.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2018 celebration.

I will be praying for peace.

Stay Tuned.

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