Have you ever done something that you feel guilty for? Said something in anger or hurt someone without realizing it? I was faced with that tonight as I tried the repair the damage I had done to my social circle and of course, My Captain. I made my appearance tonight, all paved with good intentions, but as you all know how the saying goes, “that leads straight to Hell.” And did it ever. I made peace with my “Trek” family, had a few laughs, and even talked about my favorite Twilight Zone episodes that aired tonight. Things were going well……until my lovely bipolar, fucked up personality, made her grand appearance.
I don’t presume to know why I do the things I do, or say the things I say, but I just do them. And I fucking hurt people. I can’t even begin to explain the guilt in my heart. I know being bipolar over the years has hurt people. My mother, my father, my sister, my best friend, and the countless others that have crossed my path in my life. I just really hurt people.
I hurt the man who loves me deeply tonight. The Captain. The man who has shown me infinite patience and understanding over the past few months. I just keep doing it. Over and over again, round and round, till I know he eventually will leave me. I got him so upset over something so trivial, it is not even worth mentioning. The worst part is when I tried to repair the situation, by expressing the deep pain I was in, I only made things worse. Sometimes people don’t want to hear about your pain, your defective mental illness, and all the reasons why you are so screwed up. He mentioned to me how “raw” I was lately, and I couldn’t lie to him anymore. I couldn’t keep up the charade anymore. All the hurt and pain that I have buried, tucked away, in all my years of trauma and mental illness came pouring out, and truth be told, he couldn’t handle it. He left me, (I don’t even know if it’s permanent), in a pool of my own tears, feeling so much worse, and now it is compounded with all his pain I caused on top of my own.
As Sally Owens said in a wonderful monologue from one of my favorite movies, Practical Magic, “I don’t know, maybe I have had my happiness already.” Is that what God is trying to tell me? That I have enjoyed being in love, so that’s it, I am done? Let’s not get into the fact that my spirituality is completely cut off due to the numbness of my pills, but is there a message in all of this? The Captain has been trying really hard; probably harder than any man I have known. Will he last the test of time that my best friend has?
I am a very hard woman to love. My bipolar diagnosis makes me a total monster and the guilt that I cause with the wreckage I leave behind me, is too much to bear any longer. Should I walk away and spare him? I have searched for him for so long. He completed me in so many ways, made me feel sexy and desired and ended my search of “The One.” Things seemed to finally be in place, and ever since Christmas, I have felt this dark cloud looming over my head, almost as if I am suddenly cursed.
This is not how I wanted to start the New Year. I am in such deep pain that no alcohol, pills, or therapy can help me. I can’t seem to get it right. I feel like I am making so many mistakes and I am hurting the one person who loves me more than anything in the world. The guilt of my actions is palpable. I wish I wasn’t who I was. I wish to God I hadn’t been cursed with this godforsaken mental illness.
I wish I was never born. So much hurt and pain I have caused in my life, and so many scars I have left on so many people’s hearts.
Clarence told George Bailey that “no man is ever alone who has friends” at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life. But if I had a Guardian Angel I would ask him, “but what if you hurt those friends that care for you so much?”
I am drowning in a sea of guilt. The knife in my heart is in deep, only because I put it there. The man who loved me walked away from me tonight because he couldn’t take it anymore. If he is smart, he will stay away for good.
I don’t deserve to be loved. All I do is leave carnage of good people’s feelings.
If God can hear me, my only prayer is that he take my life. I am so tired of fighting mental illness, and I am so tired of trying. Most of all, I am so utterly and completely tired of hurting those who love me.
May the day of my death be the first of the year.
I can’t express enough how much pain I feel.
I am drowning deeply, in a sea of monumental guilt and anguish.
I am so, so sorry for all I have done.