The Guilt of Your Moods and Actions

anger

Have you ever exploded at someone in anger? Lost your cool? Said something you regretted? Had the worst version of yourself come out time and time again? Do you struggle with your temper? I have had more than my share in that department in recent days.

Through my struggles with my family, (helping my mom get better), I have put tremendous stress on myself. Things that used to bring me joy, now become tiresome, and I am losing my patience more and more everyday. I wrote a bit about my anger here on my blog on Thanksgiving, but I think I need more help in figuring out how to reign it in better.

I am becoming the worst version of myself. For the first time in my life, I am in relationship in where love, sex and romance are in complete balance. The trifecta of the perfect love have aligned in the stars, and I not only am I fucking it all up every day, I am sabotaging one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. Did you ever feel like you have had the shittiest luck in relationships? That the person you love always sees the worst parts of you nearly all the time? I suppose people who are in a marriage experience this, because you have your partner in your presence all the time, so it makes sense that a person I spend so much time with would see my ultimate flaws.

The greatest thing about this is, no matter how much of a bipolar mess I am, the Captain still holds on. I have never witnessed a man love me so much. I have done everything under the sun to push him away, my moods are ridiculous, and the WORST thing I have done is use sex against him, which is almost unforgivable to most men.

Also, one of the best gifts of my bipolar madness, is my heightened sex drive. I think some women are embarrassed by their sexuality, try to cover it up and even sometimes lose interest in their partner. I have had this happen to me, but over the years, as I have evolved sexually, I have become quite in control of my sexual magnetism, and I enjoy myself as much as possible. Being very sexy and alluring is what drew The Captain in, and I realize that’s what men love about women in the beginning; that flirty, sexy attitude that is all carefree, simple and easy. Then as time goes on, the drama starts. The possessiveness, the tears, and the neediness, and I swear I have turned into the nightmare I never wanted to become.

My mom took a jab at my mental illness yesterday and basically used my bipolar against me in an attempt to justify that I am “crazy” and that she doesn’t need my help anymore. I took it to heart and it hurt, and I will admit, I spent most of the day crying and feeling defeated. My emotions were totally out of control, and as I gripped on to my sanity, I tried to hold back my anger as the bipolar madness inside me raged on. I lashed out at the Captain AGAIN, and its the second time in a week. Fuck, this is becoming just a horrible habit. The guilt of it is all-consuming. We never want to hurt the ones we love. What happened to the sexy, fun woman the Captain fell in love with? I know he didn’t say it, but I know he was thinking it. I know most men think it when they see their woman acting irrationally. The fact of the matter is, men don’t like all that drama, and I know that.

I know the Captain won’t leave me. He admitted to me many times that is he is in it for the long haul, and I feel so guilty for putting him through such a rollercoaster of my bipolar moods. It is SO tough to get a grip and try to buckle down emotions for a person like me. This doesn’t even feel like mania though, and it definitely isn’t depression. I think honestly, this is just ME. I might as well stop trying to blame being bipolar, and just accept the fact that I have a serious anger problem. I guess the next step is what I can do to find out about Anger Management. I never addressed this problem before, because I never really took a hard look at myself. I mean I could also say that all of this is happening because of all the stress of my mother’s illness, but I don’t think making excuses and not owning up to my issues would be helpful to me.

Is it because I am a woman this is happening? I read all the time about men complaining that women are “psycho” and all, but add bipolar on top of that, God help the Captain if he is going to try to make this relationship work with me. He definitely has the patience and understanding, but if I keep losing it the way that I am, I fear he will leave me. I also have to forgive myself and understand that even though I am bipolar, I am responsible for my actions. Too many times people use their mental illness as a copout or an excuse for treating other people badly. I mean yes, we have our episodes, but as individuals battling this illness we must take responsibility for our actions, and try our best to resolve some of the things we can control. Emotions are tough, but I refuse to believe that I have to give in to my rage and let it dominate my life. There must be a more peaceful way. I mean monks do it right? There has got to be a balance somewhere, and I determined to find it.

In the meantime, I need to let go of some of the guilt I feel and pray that tomorrow is a better day.

Stay tuned.

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