What Happens When You Are Powerless?

stigma

Have you ever watched someone you care about go down a road of pain because they wouldn’t listen to you? Wouldn’t listen to anyone, not even a doctor? It is the toughest thing in the world to go through, especially when it’s your mother.

I got really upset this morning. I had stayed up all night because it was the only way I could take my mom for her blood tests this morning. She complained that she didn’t feel well and needed to eat, even though her bloodwork paper said she didn’t need to fast. But as usual she won’t listen. I have been taking her everywhere for the past month, trying to get to the bottom of whatever is happening to her. It is very difficult when you can’t pinpoint the problem. I have been impatient yes, because being bipolar, I have more than my own difficulties keeping it together. But the trooper that I am, I have found all the doctors, made all the appointments and did everything a daughter could do to help her mother.

We have been to the Emergency Room a total of four times this month and they kept saying the same thing. Go see the Gastroenterologist. I searched all over for a Gastroenterologist, took her to his office, and she tells him that she was dizzy all the time, so being confused, he sent her for a bunch of neurological exams. Come to find out she has high blood pressure and was not taking her blood pressure medication, so of course that’s why she was dizzy. The problem is that every time she ate something she would get very sick and shaky, meaning something was going on in her stomach. While making and going to all the appointments for all these neurological tests, she is very sick and wanted to go back to Emergency Room a FIFTH time. Watching this madness unfold, I pushed the¬†Gastroenterologist to do an endoscopy, (which she ended up blaming me for because I pushed for it), and they found nothing. The doctor wanted to do a colonoscopy next to pinpoint why she is having such a reaction every time she eats.

She doesn’t want to do the colonoscopy. You have can’t eat for almost 12 hours and you have to clean out your system for the test. She says the test will kill her and refuses to take it, and now miraculously she says she is fine and that nothing is wrong with her.

I am at the end of my rope. My mother has put my family through hell for the past month with all the Emergency Room visits (with them telling us the same fucking thing about going to the Gastroenterologist over and over and she can’t get it in her head), and NOW I am the bad guy in my house because I am pushing for the colonoscopy. I just want to see my Mom feel better, and I can’t do that when she is self-diagnosing herself.

As much as I hate to do this to my mother, I have to let her be till she has another one of these “attacks.” Then my Dad will take her to the Emergency Room for the FIFTH time and they will probably tell her that she needs the colonoscopy. I have to sit back and do nothing and watch her hang herself. I am not getting involved anymore. I overheard her bad talking about me to my Dad, telling him that I was “crazy” and she doesn’t want me taking her anywhere anymore. This is what I get for taking her to the Emergency Room all those times, finding all these doctors, making all these appointments, taking her to all these places, and trying to help. I have bipolar, yes, and I had a major breakdown the other day because I almost couldn’t get to my therapist. I hadn’t seen him in a month, and I needed to get a lot of this off my chest. Since I am bipolar, I am now “crazy” and have somehow become useless and “evil” to my mom even after all that I did. I am in tears. When you have bipolar it is hard enough, but when your family uses it against you because you are fighting to do the right thing, it hurts so fucking badly.

My Dad is alive and kicking. I was taking care of my Mom so he wouldn’t have the burden on his shoulders because he is working on our new house on his own. But I have to step back. I have to step back and let her suffer and let her get really sick again. Now my Dad is going to have to step in and be there for his wife. I am too “crazy” according to my Mom. I did all that planning and research, made all the appointments and sacrifice, drove her everywhere, and now I am “crazy” because I want her to take a test that will probably get to the bottom of what’s wrong with her.

The stigma of bipolar is so hurtful, especially when your family uses it against you, when all you are trying to do is do the right thing. I feel so small and defeated. But all I can do is step back. Step back and watch everything blow up. This is worse than watching a train plow right into a mountain. You’re watching but you’re absolutely powerless to stop it. I did all I can for my family, but apparently I am “crazy” so all I did for her this month means nothing to them. I’m so hurt, and I am just going to cry myself to sleep.

The worst feeling in the world is when your own family uses your bipolar against you, to justify why I am not capable of making the right decisions, when all I am trying to do is the right thing. I might as well be a leper.

My mother will find out the hard way, get really sick again, and I will have to just sit back and let it happen because according to her, I am too “crazy” to be useful to anyone.

God help me.

Stay tuned.

 

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5 Responses to What Happens When You Are Powerless?

  1. The stigma attached to mental health and bipolar is horrendous. I was first diagnosed back in 2006, at that time I was living very close to my Mum. We got on relatively well, but the frustrating thing was that it was something we didn’t talk about it. She asked how I was, and that was that.
    In my crisis now, my Dad has stepped up to the plate and helped me in the supportive way that has taken me by surprise. Previously, when I’ve hit the floor in a tangible way, he’s been there with his wallet out and saying: how much do you need? This time, he’s been phoning almost daily, he’s edged back a little, but the support he has given has been second to none. My Mum, has not been so supportive. It has driven a rift between us, one that I find hard to reconcile.
    You are not crazy, not in the perceived way of being crazy, You don’t have wild hair and rambling about end of the world, making statements that make no sense whatsoever. You are functioning on a level where you are useful to people, even though your illness is telling you otherwise.
    What you have done is above and beyond. You are not receiving the recognition you deserve. You have done amazing things. You continue to do them. Take time to care for yourself in the middle of all this, your self-care needs to be a priority.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I really needed to hear this. It is SO hard because even though I was suffering I tried my ABSOLUTE BEST to help my mom and I got degraded the way I did for trying so damn hard. I won’t deny it hurts. I won’t deny I am in tears. But it helps to know that I am not alone and that other people know what this is like. Thank you again for your kind words and advice. I will try my best to pull through.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You will find ways to pull through the hard times, it sounds like you have coping strategies and techniques, you may not realise you have them, but you have come this far without giving in. You are far from powerless.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. DC-N says:

    You are strong, and you have tremendous love! I admire your strength and urge you to focus on you strength and love. Get support from, maybe social workers, or people that can give you ideas to move your mom most effectively through the systems. Perhaps.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your wonderful support and incredible words! I think I need to work on myself now, as much as I want to be there for my mom, I think she made her point where she wants to be and I cannot force her to take care of herself.

      Like

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