I always get emotional when it comes to powerful movies with a message. Tonight’s gem was La La Land. But it was more than that. It was what my life has become, just a desolate wasteland of broken dreams. As my latest online beau left me in mid-conversation to troll for booty in the Adult Chat, I was left with a sinking feeling in my chest. Where are all the good men? I mean seriously?
I know of two, and they are both really close to me. So what is it that I am looking for? One thing that the love of my life doesn’t have is passion. Passion for art, or passion for sex, two things that I immerse myself in and am very passionate about. I watched the movie La La land, and I was humbled. A person’s dream dies because they conform, because they don’t go after their heart’s desire and settle. They settle for a mate, settle for a job, settle for things that don’t make them happy. How do people live their whole lives this way?
I am tears tonight, and I don’t even know why. It is my second night staying up way too late, and I have to get my ass up for my job on Tuesday, so I need to fix this sleep schedule by Monday. I slept till 5pm today. The Seroquel really knocked me out. My doctor upped my medication because I have so much trouble getting to sleep. Now I am getting knocked out and waking up in a hangover every morning. I swear nothing helps.
I wish I had talent. I wish I could create something wonderful. I wish I had a gift. But I have nothing. Fat and alone and on the wrong side of 37 years old. What do I have to show for myself? I am bipolar. That’s the only thing that came out of my entire life. My imagination, my dreams, my skill, all died the day I was put on medication. I used to see the world in so much color, now all I see is black and white with so much grey between the lines.
I want hope.
I want love.
I want to imagine.
So tonight, (or this morning), I will cry myself to sleep. I live in a world of broken dreams. Nothing is as it was when the world was full of opportunity for me. Now all I see are dead-ends and broken hearts. When will it be my turn? When will my dreams come true?
I may never know.