Did you ever stop and ask yourself, “what is the point to all of this?” I have been in and out of so many “relationships” lately, it almost feels like whiplash. Every experience has taught me a lesson; the biggest one being: Stay the AWAY from younger guys. I have been going at this all wrong. I get a message from a 27-year-old now and my stomach just turns. I am 37….no, just NO!
I have also to come to the conclusion that people on the internet are just plain weird. Some in a good way, some in a bad way, but in the end they all have an agenda. It’s either just straight up sex, or something to pass the time. I have run into people who are perpetually “bored,” and go online hoping that you will entertain them and get them out of their boredom. Excuse me, but when did that become MY fucking job? (In Joe Pesci voice), “Am I a clown? Do I amuse you?”
So what does it all mean? I think spiritually, it’s the universe that will answer our prayers. I think burying ourselves in our phones and all this technology helps no one, or solves anything. Mindfulness is the key, and it is so hard to do. Especially when you’re addicted to the “rush” of meeting someone new. I am on sites almost all day long, and I think it is just consuming my life. What am I even looking for? I think I have the same approach as those with the “boredom,” but just on a different level. I am looking for something to pass the time too, because I have too much idle time on my hands. But as far as a relationship? I don’t think I really want one. They don’t really stick around anyway, so I won’t even bother setting myself up for disappointment. I think it would be nice to meet someone deeply spiritual to discuss the cosmos with. I haven’t had that in a very long time. It seems most people hover around the surface in conversation, and never get to a deeper more refined level. A lot of that has to do with fear of “opening up,” which I totally understand. My therapist said that I open my heart way too much with these meaningless relationships, and he is absolutely right. So what do I do? I pray, I think. My masturbation activities have become less frequent, and I think they will lay dormant for a while. I still love to flirt and tease, so I think I am just inviting this type of backwards behavior.
I need something to keep me busy. A hobby, or something other than sitting in front of this computer. I am not even interested in reading or my hundreds of video games. They just sit there gathering dust. But I am not unhappy. I felt a lot of sadness earlier in the week, but most of it has subsided now. I am still in and out of sleep but I think most of the bipolar symptoms are behind me. The mania has definitely passed, I don’t feel any kind of rush anymore, (except maybe talking to someone exciting and new).
To be honest, even though I have incredibly long conversations with these guys, it ends. It always ends. Being bipolar does that I think. I can’t seem to hold on anymore. I am slipping, almost into a slight depression. I am questioning my faith and what is happening all around me. What does life really mean? I mean maybe I should shut up and stop pondering and just LIVE it. Just DOING and stop SAYING. But the motivation isn’t there. I don’t really feel anything anymore, really. It’s almost like this big empty black hole where my heart should be. Every time a guy gets sucked into the “vortex” of my black holed heart, they just vanish and I am becoming okay with that.
In the end, I think I have everything in life that I need. My best friend truly IS the love of my life, and the universe granted me him because it knows I needed someone, so it gave me someone really good. So stop looking woman! What is up with this endless search? Why is it that when we find what we are looking for, we just jump into our phone and still continue to swipe? Isn’t that strange? I think we should just value the people we have instead of trying to fill up our calendar with unnecessary nonsense. Just enjoy the people in your life, and appreciate that they are there for you, because that’s what life REALLY means.