Ever had a good cry? I mean like a really good cry where you cry so hard your essence seems to call out to the universe and you feel like your heart is exploding? I had such a cry yesterday, one of which I haven’t had in months. It happened to coincide with a wicked rainstorm too. As my tears fell during my heartwrenching cry after therapy, I sat in my car and it started to rain, then outright pour as I started bawling. My best friend, (and love of my life), just consoled me as he was on the phone with me, and when I told him I loved him, he simply said “I love you too,” something in which he doesn’t tell me often.
Being bipolar is hard, I can’t stress that enough – and between no sleep, a hungry belly and so many failed attempt at relationships, shit will eventually hit the fan. I blocked my new beau yesterday, he was just way too much of a stoner for me, and as my therapist said, “it’s a doomed relationship.” Is that what has happened? That there have become just a generation of stoners who just sit online, troll, and just get high all the time? Is that what we’ve become? I wouldn’t like to think so, even though it may be a reality.
I don’t know really, my mania took a huge dive and I finally crashed yesterday. I was so unbelievably tired and frustrated at how incompetent my psychiatrist has been that I took steps to get a new doctor to take me off of this pill that’s been reeking havoc on my sleep schedule. I wake up every day, (sometimes in the afternoon), absolutely exhausted. I am just awake for less than 20 minutes when I need to crawl back in the bed again. I mean I feel that way a little bit now, but it’s not as bad as it has been. Anyway, my therapist stressed that if I can’t get a handle on my sleep patterns, I won’t be able to work on any other areas of my life. A good night’s rest is what a lot of people take for granted. When you suffer from a mental illness, insomnia can be your greatest enemy. As your mind races into the dead of the night, you come up with all these ideas and creative thoughts. With the internet, you find people up at all hours too, writing, making videos or just chatting on the web. In the old days, there was just nothing to do. Boring TV came on, or you read a book, and eventually you would just fall asleep. There were no cell phones or internet, so nothing was really stimulating you and keeping you up. Honestly, I think it was a better time all around, especially when interacting with people.
Anyway, so my cry. It was the greatest cry ever actually – spiritually, emotionally and even physically because I became very, very tired afterwards. As the rain fell, I let it just pound on the car as I bawled, and realized the Earth was crying with me in that exact moment. I couldn’t tell you what brought it on, but I think it’s just been months of disappointment compiled into one big breakdown. I flirted with the idea of dying yesterday in my last post, only because of the despair I truly felt. Life is so hard, and it is even harder when you are dealing with pills and a mental illness. I mean why is my brain so broken? Why can’t I just function in regular society? Why did God curse me? This couldn’t be his plan for me, could it?
I don’t know, all I know is I’m tired. I mean really exhausted with life. I don’t have any responsibilities or a care in the world and life is still too hard? What am I? A big baby? When I was younger, I grabbed life by the balls and I went in head first into everything I did. As dangerous as it was, I was fearless. I am not saying I am scared to try new things now, I am saying that I don’t see a point in even trying because it will fail. Such a pessimistic view on my part, when I consider myself a pretty positive person. I just don’t think I can do it anymore. I wonder what it would take for me to write a suicide note? What would I say? As much as we say people who commit suicide are cowards, I have to disagree. It takes some serious strength to commit an act like that onto yourself. So the question I now pose to myself is, how do I turn all these negative thoughts around and use it to my advantage? I mean, all these failed relationships have taught me lessons right? And why am I even looking anyway? I have someone who loves me, isn’t that enough? When did we become such greedy assholes? Why do we have to “have it all?”
I am going to do great things. I am going to write, I am going to get a great job in a few years. I am going to find the right low-dose med cocktail and kick this bipolar’s ass and succeed well into my 40s and way into my 80s. All this suicide talk is just nonsense. I guess it helps to write it down and get it all out. I am really sorry for you readers that put up with my rantings, but at the same time I thank you for following me on my journey.
It’s a hard knock life, but it’s getting through today that’s my goal.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.