What is it like to have faith? What soars through your body when you call out to God or your higher power? I haven’t heard God’s voice in a long time, and it has been very painful for me.
Mental illness is a factor too. I have struggled with Bipolar for many years, and the hospitalizations came when I was deeply connected to the universe. How do I know its not mania? What would it take for me to hear His voice again and not be manic? My therapist says it’s a very fine line. If you suffer from bipolar, how do you know that the voice inside your head telling you it’s God isn’t just another manic episode? So many questions, but I think it all boils down to faith.
How much faith do YOU have? If you could measure it, would it fill a glass? Would it fill ten glasses? Or would it just be empty? For all you empty glass holders, welcome to my world. I have been numbed with medication to the point where I no longer FEEL anymore. How do I put a positive spin on this? Simple. I am going to talk about my spirituality.
Spirituality, to me, means a deep connection to the universe. To tap into the unexplained, to that portion of your mind where it is forbidden to go. My mania. The Enlightened One. That’s what I become. Do I really have to be manic to feel my spirituality again? I wonder. I have had moments of clarity over the past few months. I landed a job, which was such an accomplishment, and I made peace with all my online relationships. But where does my spiritual side fit into all of this?
It is a gift. He sees me, and He loves me no matter what I have done. I don’t believe in sin, I believe in choice. We choose to do right or wrong, sin only occurs when you are feeling judged. The only judge is yourself. No God will punish you, but you will punish yourself for the wrongs you have done. My sins are personal because I am not harming anyone, and I have made peace with them. But to be spiritual, do we have to absolved of sin?
To be pure in the eyes of God, is to be at peace with yourself. To know that in your heart you are a good person and not to intentionally harm other people. I think my spirituality is deeply rooted in my connections with the wonderful people I have in my life. I may not feel that euphoria of standing in a meadow talking to the Northern Wind, but I am content.
I do feel that empty glass of Faith though, and it troubles me. So pray with me now, as we embark on our journey. I offer my hand in friendship to any lost soul who is reading this and has lost His voice.
Pray with me now.
Where have you gone from me? I am here waiting for an answer, a resolution. Why did you make me? Why did you give me a mental illness that I have to block, but also blocks you? I am humbled by you and your Grace, yet I feel an empty heart. See me. Feel me. Bring your love back into my empty heart. Show yourself to me again. Talk to me. Talk to me Dearest God. I am so lost without your wisdom.
I pray now. I pray for all the lost souls that have been so lost without you. Come back to us. We need you.
We need the medication they tell us. But at what cost? It’s a question of Faith. Did God hear me today? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t feel, and I would give anything to feel the touch of the Divine in my soul again.
As my birthday approaches, (Monday), I will remember that He gave me life for a purpose. What it is yet, even after all these years, I still do not know.
Maybe He will talk to me again. Maybe just maybe.
It’s a question of Faith.