Have you ever had moments of severe depression? Where you felt the whole world is crashing down on you? Do you spend hours on the internet living vicariously through others’ lives? Do you sometimes feel you don’t have a life of your own?
Bipolar is hard, I know it is, and living with it can be an absolute nightmare. The worst part? Feeling all alone. Being lonely in a group of people is the most difficult thing to deal with. You are surrounded by loved ones and all you are doing is crying on the inside for help.
I have been somewhat level/stable now for a few days, so I am able to reflect on some of my behavior and even some of my blog posts. I am ultimately searching. Searching for someone to complete me and make me whole, but as I am learning, that can only be done by myself. I must be the one to fill the emptiness in my heart. It will take some real soul-searching, but I know it will all be okay. How did I come up with this conclusion? It is as simple as getting off the computer, out of my phone, and into the real world.
My new job is really helping me. Right now, it is only one day a week, but I am starting to feel a shift/balance happening to my body. I am still working on my appearance, but I am feeling better about myself all around. Things are still really hard, like shopping, going for that mani/pedi, getting my eyebrows done, but that’s all trivial stuff.
My birthday is Monday and I am turning the big 3-7. How did I ever get this old? How is it that I am approaching 40 and I still can’t tidy my home? Why is life just going at such a fast pace now? Before I know it, I will be 60. What a scary thought. I know I won’t be alone though, so I do take comfort in that. But will it be okay? Yeah, yeah I think it will be. I honestly feel nothing for internet men anymore. Online relationships had consumed me for so long, that I had forgotten about reality. I have been ghosting people these days, only because I have set the standard really high. If a guy is going to be douche or treat me as some booty call, I am not having any of it.
You know what’s sad? I don’t see guys writing about love anymore. What happened to men like Lord Byron, and John Keats? The real poets of the long everlasting true love we all desire? It’s all about cumming. Since when did orgasms replace love? Why are men treating women like sex dolls and women treating men like dildos? What the hell happened to us anyway?
I don’t know really, but I am going to try to get through this life with as much ease as possible. I need to pull myself out of that desire to connect so badly. I haven’t heard from the Texan in a long time, and you know what? It’s okay. I will be okay. I think I have taken my power back as a woman and as I approach my birthday, I know that another year has gone by that made me stronger and it was well worth it.
Cheers to another 37 years! I pray that it’s drama free.