Do you ever feel there is a moment in time, that you want to recapture some of the magic of your former self? Have we all just gotten so old and jaded that we can longer see the beauty in the world? For the past two days, there has been beautiful weather in New York. The sun is shining brightly, and the wind bustles through the trees just enough to keep it slightly under 70 degrees. Two perfect Spring days. I have been blessed to have had peaceful moments within them. I recaptured something, a part of myself, a connection with God. I asked, as I looked up through the swaying trees at the hint of sun in between, “Are you there? Can you hear me?” Just then it began to rain. A lovely sun shower poured upon me. Not a cloud in the sky, yet it rained softly on me as I gazed up to the heavens searching for my answer.
It has been a harrowing few weeks. I had become incredibly lonely and lost. I have no real life friends to speak of, so just wanting to go out to have a cup of coffee with someone was out of the question. So, I looked online for companionship. I basically have been avoiding The Texan because he made it absolutely clear that he could never be with just one woman. Not that I care because I am hundreds of miles away, but the whole thing seems like such a turn off. I refuse to be some plaything for a chauvinistic man-whore. I think I deserve better respect than that.
There have been others that came by my path, such as the Arizona Professor who I exchanged flirty messages with and the Red Bull Executive who is a self-made millionaire, (or so he says, come on this is online people). And of course through all of this, is my rock solid best friend who I share my evenings with. I couldn’t be more lucky or rick in my life.
I finally landed a part-time job as well, something that has been plaguing my mind for some time. I don’t know if it will last or if I will be good at it, but I know I have to start somewhere.
Bipolar life isn’t easy. I have no idea if whether or not my spiritual conversations with God during the past two beautiful Spring days have been bouts of mania and delusion. Is having faith a symptom of mania? Is talking to your higher power a sign that you’re crazy? I will never know the answers to these questions I suppose, because being me has taught me that I can be either a raving lunatic or a deeply profound individual. Did God really speak to me? Was it just another manic delusion of my mind? I guess the Power of my Faith will have to decide that. I believe He is always listening anyway, and even though I am a sinner, I enjoy porn, sex and masturbation, I will always hold true in my heart that I am in His Grace. By the way, I don’t read the Bible or go to church; nor do I practice any religion. I don’t need to identify with any sect to reinforce my faith. My affirmation is pure and deep in my heart.
I will say this though. The men I have met the past few days have brought me comfort. They may not be long-lasting relationships, but they fulfill the need for company in the moment. I am not really worried about ghosting or if I ever speak to them again, I think I am starting to embrace the idea of living in the present. After all the present moment of mindfulness is all we really have. On to the next adventure then……