I am so distraught. My anxiety has never been higher. Yet another person had entered my life and played games with my heart. Why do I allow this to happen? Am I that gullible? Is my heart so open that I allow wretched souls like this to come in and destroy me? I will admit after my last post I didn’t pray. I mean what is the point? It’s not like God is going to hear me. I have no faith, I have such a hole in my heart.
I gave this guy a chance. He lives far away, and we were trying to coordinate time schedules so that we could stay in contact. I need consistency in my life so when his stupid method of communication fails, (he set up dummy accounts to talk to me), and I end up waiting and waiting, I sit and think, why the hell am I doing this? Men who are serious about a woman do everything in their power to keep a good line of communication open. Is it so hard to ask to have a WhatsApp or even an email that notifies you on your phone so I can get a straight answer? I am tired. I am literally exhausted. I am running around the internet to fill this hole in my heart and I always end up in tears. Why does this happen? Why God have you forsaken me?
I am going to stop it now. I am going to go back to the Texan. He may be a horrible human being, but at least he is consistent. Did I really just excuse his actions of being a dick and hurting me just so I can have a little attention? Am I that desperate?
I am sitting here and checking my email hoping that other guy would miraculously say “I was wrong, I need you, come back to me.” What a joke. A bullshit fairytale. He didn’t want to share personal information with me “too soon.” That’s code for: married, ladies. I am proud of myself though. Usually I would sit around waiting for hours. “Know your worth.” That’s what I keep telling myself.
I am a fool. I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I fell hard because I wanted it to work so badly, because I was starting to feel things for the Texan and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. Why won’t God help me? Why has he gone silent? In times like this, I would get on my knees, pray and cry, and then pick myself up and move on. But I have no spirit, I have no faith. Fuck you bipolar. Fuck you stupid meds. I want to feel again. Why can’t I feel? Why am I so numb and broken? I am starving and I can’t eat. I am so thirsty but I can’t drink. I am so broken and I can’t pray. I am just so screwed up and heartbroken. Again.
Why won’t this stop? Why do I keep letting these horrible men into my life? Checking my email again. Nothing. I want to cry so bad the tears won’t come either. I feel so awful. My body is shaking, my heart is so broken. Why did I think this time would be different? I need to focus. Turn this negativity outward and stop beating myself up. I grow tired as I write this. I think I am going to crawl into a ball and go to sleep. Sleeping again at 3:24pm on a beautiful day because I am so screwed up. I can’t break this vicious cycle of this online existence. I have no friends, I have no one. No one I can out with and have a cup of coffee and feel better about my life. I am so alone. Why don’t I just die already? What is the point of this shit?
Time to sleep, perhaps to dream.