Another Letdown, What is Life Telling Me?

sadness_158

I am so distraught. My anxiety has never been higher. Yet another person had entered my life and played games with my heart. Why do I allow this to happen? Am I that gullible? Is my heart so open that I allow wretched souls like this to come in and destroy me? I will admit after my last post I didn’t pray. I mean what is the point? It’s not like God is going to hear me. I have no faith, I have such a hole in my heart.

I gave this guy a chance. He lives far away, and we were trying to coordinate time schedules so that we could stay in contact. I need consistency in my life so when his stupid method of communication fails, (he set up dummy accounts to talk to me), and I end up waiting and waiting, I sit and think, why the hell am I doing this? Men who are serious about a woman do everything in their power to keep a good line of communication open. Is it so hard to ask to have a WhatsApp or even an email that notifies you on your phone so I can get a straight answer? I am tired. I am literally exhausted. I am running around the internet to fill this hole in my heart and I always end up in tears. Why does this happen? Why God have you forsaken me?

I am going to stop it now. I am going to go back to the Texan. He may be a horrible human being, but at least he is consistent. Did I really just excuse his actions of being a dick and hurting me just so I can have a little attention? Am I that desperate?

I am sitting here and checking my email hoping that other guy would miraculously say “I was wrong, I need you, come back to me.” What a joke. A bullshit fairytale. He didn’t want to share personal information with me “too soon.” That’s code for: married, ladies.  I am proud of myself though. Usually I would sit around waiting for hours. “Know your worth.” That’s what I keep telling myself.

I am a fool. I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I fell hard because I wanted it to work so badly, because I was starting to feel things for the Texan and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. Why won’t God help me? Why has he gone silent? In times like this, I would get on my knees, pray and cry, and then pick myself up and move on. But I have no spirit, I have no faith. Fuck you bipolar. Fuck you stupid meds. I want to feel again. Why can’t I feel? Why am I so numb and broken? I am starving and I can’t eat. I am so thirsty but I can’t drink. I am so broken and I can’t pray. I am just so screwed up and heartbroken. Again.

Why won’t this stop? Why do I keep letting these horrible men into my life? Checking my email again. Nothing. I want to cry so bad the tears won’t come either. I feel so awful. My body is shaking, my heart is so broken. Why did I think this time would be different? I need to focus. Turn this negativity outward and stop beating myself up. I grow tired as I write this. I think I am going to crawl into a ball and go to sleep. Sleeping again at 3:24pm on a beautiful day because I am so screwed up. I can’t break this vicious cycle of this online existence. I have no friends, I have no one. No one I can out with and have a cup of coffee and feel better about my life. I am so alone. Why don’t I just die already? What is the point of this shit?

Time to sleep, perhaps to dream.

Stay tuned.

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6 Responses to Another Letdown, What is Life Telling Me?

  1. Cinn says:

    God hasn’t left you love. He’s waiting for you to choose him.

    You know your behavior is self-destructive. Stop.
    Breathe.

    You don’t need these men.

    You don’t need these men.

    Step back and focus on being healthy emotionally and physically… then you can hear God again.

    I know. I’ve been in the pit of despair.

    Sending you love and light. Don’t give up

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Cinn for your wonderful words. These men are toxic yet I keep repeating the same pattern. I fall in a hole in a den of sin and I think God can’t find me. But I need to choose Him. You’re absolutely right.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. tarnishedsoul says:

    Oh my friend…I wish I could offer some words of comfort… Making yourself completely vulnerable to someone is a great way to express love, but it can be so painful at times. I have a hard time seeing God too…but I know I have to believe, because I know I can’t bear all of the pain and hurt on my own. I’ve also taken comfort in knowing that there are wonderful people – like Cinn, above – that truly care.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Amal Suresh says:

    You are soo in yua head. Its time to get out and look at thongs from a broader perspective. Why dont you think of all these mishappenenings in yua life as a lesson and stop complaining about the things you dont want and move forward to become the greatest possible version of yuaself. That is something that will give you the inner peace you require ri8 now. Nobody or nothing is more important than your own state of mind. Shape it so that it can shape you.

    Like

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