I have come at an impasse in my life. Have you ever been at the Crossroads of Life and wonder: “what in the hell am I doing here?” Or, “what does it all mean?” I haven’t felt my soul in so long, mostly due to being medicated. I hate bipolar pills, I hate pills in general. Why can’t we just enjoy mania without going over the edge? I want to FEEL something again so badly, and I know that laying in a den of sin with some dude online isn’t going to bring me closer to God.
So today, I choose to make a sharp left turn. I choose to take back whatever dignity I have left and look up at the heavens and beg for an answer. There has to be more to life than this. Isn’t there? People that have profound love for Jesus and feel their faith are so lucky. I remember a time when I was deeply connected to the Universe, but the doctors all told me I was “manic.” Were the oracles of Ancient Greece all manic? Were they given an anti-psychotic to suppress their gift of Sight? I am so stuck. In my own head, trapped in my own life with no faith, in God, or even in myself.
When will it be my turn to find true love? Is there even such a thing? People are running around on dating sites, in bars, clubs and wherever else, scrambling to find that connection, that bond that makes your heart jump up and sing.
The Texan is using me. I see no point in pursing that further. I felt so at ease in his presence, and I thought maybe our relationship had evolved into something, but sadly I was so mistaken. I have lost my grace, my delicacy as a woman. I have resorted to cheap titillation and tawdry acts that are unbecoming for a woman in the Grace of the All Mighty. Is that why God has been silent? Because I lost my way? Why was I cursed with bipolar? Why did God punish me for being born? Some say you are born a sinner. Is this true? Does anyone believe that?
I have so many questions, and so little answers. I have wrapped myself up in sin and degradation that I have forgotten simple rules for having self-respect. My online activities have got to stop. I can’t stay up till God knows what time in the morning entertaining some man who doesn’t give a shit about me or my feelings. I need to go to bed at a normal time and find a fucking job already. I am going nuts, I am going insane. The inertia in my life is overwhelming. When will it end? I never thought I would welcome death, but at this point, with no soul in my heart, I feel like I am already dead. These goddamn pills. They rob me of my mania and my ability to soar. I want to feel good again, to fly, and to actually feel joy. I feel so dead, I don’t feel anything.
Dear God, why won’t you talk to me? Please, oh God, talk to me! Tell me what path to take, what road to choose. I am so lost, I would do anything to be in your Good Grace again. Find me, in the field, in the water, soaked with sin and ready to repent. I am on my knees begging for forgiveness. Unlock my bipolar and set my manic mind free. Free to create, explore and find happiness again. All I ask is a chance, a chance for a better life than the Hell I have created for myself.
Why won’t you talk to me?
Will He answer?