I often wonder what makes true love. Is it just words and actions? Or is there something more? Tonight I realized I was a puppet. A pawn for someone else’s pleasure. And damn did it hurt. My love affair with the Texan is a short one. We have shared many intimate moments and have discussed many things. It was casual, friendly, sexy and easy. Then my heart got involved. Oh this heart of mine. I realized last night that I might be falling for this man and developing real feelings. That’s where it took the turn for the worst.
Tonight was painful. I sat back and watched TV as he chatted with his female friend and watched a Dungeons and Dragons Live Stream match. I was jealous, heartbroken, and in need for some attention. Then I realized, this wasn’t my boyfriend. This wasn’t even anyone I knew in real life. This was just some guy I met on an Adult Chat site who I have had cyber sex with for over a month. What is that? You know what it is? Nothing. He may just regard me as a stress reliever.
I have felt used many times in my life by men that I have known in real life and online. Never have I really stepped up and done anything about it. I just let it go on and on until it consumes me because “it’s something to do” or “I don’t want to be alone.” I think I need to back off a bit. Disappear for a while till I get my bearings. I need to fix my sleep patterns and seek out employment and get my life together. Sleeping until 3pm every day because I am up every night fulfilling some stranger’s fantasy, that doesn’t really give two shits about me, isn’t getting me anywhere.
It’s time I assert myself and my self-worth. I won’t be a man’s stomping ground any longer. I have strength now. I have serenity. I have clarity. I am a strong woman and I can beat this.
How do you find yourself again? Where do you begin? I think will come as time goes on.