Ever heard the clichés, “hurry up and wait, ” or “no matter where you go, there you are?” I have become the embodiment of these sayings now. I have everything in life that I need; a wonderful best friend/mate, a caring family, an amazing therapist, and some good friends. What is missing then? Why is there a hole in my chest?
I often think of where my bipolar will take me, and I always end up wondering what tomorrow will bring. Being bipolar is hard. I couldn’t even imagine trying to date in my condition. Who could ever love someone so damaged? My best friend does, even though he won’t admit it. But his denial in his feelings always leaves me feeling empty. I yearn for a deeper love, a greater love, and I thought I had found it a few months ago.
The Irish Gentleman. That is what I called him on my other blog. It was a very intense, online relationship in which he attempted suicide because I had cut him out of my life for his volatile behavior. I was never put in a position like that before; where I ended up meeting someone more unstable than myself.
When I cut off my last blog, I cut out all social media too. I no longer had a use for it, and I think I was healthier without it, (I mean who really needs to see cute babies, engagements and wedding pictures when you’re single and pathetic anyway). But I digress. In cutting out all these sites, I managed to finally sever all contact with the Irish Gentleman, (I even had to change my phone number of 15 years). Anyway, out of morbid curiosity, I logged into Facebook the other day and what do I see? Countless messages from the Irish Gentleman saying he’s worried about me and that I should contact him. This struck a nerve in me, and got me thinking about “us” again. I began to question my better judgment and thought I should reach out to him.
Then reality hit me. First of all, there is no way our relationship can work. He’s in the UK. I am in New York. That’s already a mountain of a battle at long distance. I don’t have the mental capacity with my bipolar mood swings to handle someone with the same exact mood swings as myself. He was a very angry man when we were together, (always screaming and yelling at me at the top of his voice, etc), so why would I even consider talking to him again? Because he said he loved me? Is that love? Because he could say things to me that the love of my life (my best friend), can’t say to me? Am I that desperate for attention?
God, writing it out, I realize how moronic I sound. I know I made the right decision cutting him out completely. No need to back out now. I will just have to keep off of social media until I am ready to accept that I am over him. Do we ever really get over anyone who loved us? Hard to say. *Slaps self* Come on Lynn, you have a good life, and a possibility of employment soon (job interview on Thursday), why would you fuck that all up for a man? We do crazy things for love, but as Meatloaf said “I won’t do that.”
So onwards I go in life, with no one by my side. But I do have my best friend, a handful of friends, and my family. Honestly, I think that is all I really need. I wish I could stop my romanticized view of the “drama” that I am not apart of. Who the hell needs it anyway? We shall see what tomorrow brings.