I had a brush with suicide a little while ago, and today as I reflect on what has happened, I realize how great life really is. It is a gift that we shouldn’t take for granted. I don’t want to get preachy, but I think this has a lot to do with Faith, especially within yourself. As a woman I often feel fat and ugly, (mostly cause I am), but that is due to the fact that I just have a horrible view of my self-image. I am craving desperately for outside friends in my life, (other than online), and I hope by getting a new job that will happen.
I had some good news come my way recently. Not only will my disability be continued, but I can actually apply for a government program that hires disabled people in the Civil Service, basically foregoing the Civil Service exam. My chances of landing a dream job with the government with a good pension and benefits may actually come into fruition very soon. This has created a goal in life for me, something I have never had. My therapist always talked about short-term and long-term goals, but I think the one conclusion I have always had is the main goal would be satisfying employment until I retire. I never wanted to be on disability all my life, and I don’t think I could ever be, I would go mad with boredom.
My mind and my faith are enriching. I see beyond the black and white and see so much color. Being bipolar is a gift, it allows me to feel so much and allowed me to feel things others do not. Yeah, they would call it mania and psychosis, but I would call it a deep profound spiritual experience that most would kill to have experienced. People go through life living the mundane, with no joy or hope. It’s “clock in, clock out” then go home to your family, have your sad little meal and do it all over again. Is that life?
There are many artists and brilliant minds who have had mental illnesses, but society doesn’t choose to recognize them. Some of the greatest painters and writers of our time have been deeply troubled, but produced beautiful, esteemed, marvelous works. So I will embrace my bipolar, and be thankful to be alive. Only the good die young they say. It is a known statistic that one out of five people with bipolar commit suicide. Why? Because it takes someone with incredible strength to live with such a crippling illness. If I make it, if I get this dream job, and I am able to sustain it through the years, after being labeled “disabled,” I would have accomplished something most don’t. I would have broken the cycle of self-pity and helplessness that most people with bipolar suffer from and I will achieve, for me, what would be enlightenment.
As I struggle with my faith and my belief in God, I realize that the joy I am feeling from being accomplished is me touching my soul and higher power. I used to be moved by the clouds in the sky moving across the sun, but what if I am that leaf in the wind blowing through life that lands on the flower? I am no longer moved, this is true, I no longer feel anything when I walk into a church, but won’t that come when I have achieved my goals? I think it will. It has to.
God is with me and my faith is pure. I have bipolar but I won’t let it beat me. I will not become another statistic, I will rise above it and feel glorious in my achievements. Today is a wonderful day, and life is worth living. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?