Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me.

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Just another day has gone by. Was it a “Good” Friday? It was a shitty one if you ask me. Why am I stuck in this mode? Does anyone else feel it? Like the whole world is falling down around you, and there you are in the middle, with absolutely no direction. Since I started my new blog, I thought of the hurdle; the desperate need to get more followers and to be “recognized.” I don’t know, I kind of miss all of the drama of my old blog. Isn’t that ridiculous?

I feel like utter crap. Where has the passion in my life gone? Is it because I kicked everyone out and now that I am stuck with myself I feel overwhelming guilt? I felt so liberated, so free when I created this new blog, now I am starting to question everything. Ever been in a new relationship and felt that you were self-sabotaging things? That’s what I am doing. In starting over, I have to work on the one relationship that matters. The one with myself.

Man I can use a drink. A beer would be so good right now, or maybe even a glass of wine. Thank God I at least have a bit of apple juice so I can have something sweet instead of living on water. My life is so pathetic, I don’t know how I can go on. This up and down of emotions is eating me alive. One minute I am happy and excited about life, and then the next minute I just want to die. What the fuck is going on? BIPOLAR STOP! JUST STOP ALRERADY. I haven’t got the will to go on.

People are praying today, in touch with their faith and I feel nothing. I am watching porn, getting off, and hoping to have sex with random strangers during a Holy time of year. What the fuck is the matter with me? Why can’t I get this together? I need purpose. I need a will to live. I have nothing in my life. Absolutely nothing. Even as I say that, I know that I am wrong because my family that looks after me and I have a best friend who cares about me. Then why do I feel so horrible? WHY? FUCK WHY? God I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside and no one can hear me. I can’t do this. I can’t beat this. This bipolar shit is going to kill me. I want to drink and fuck and drink and just drown in a den of sin. I am not in HIs holy presence anymore. He has shunned me. God doesn’t love me. God is dead to me.

I am drowning as I press this blade up against my chest. Will this pain ever stop? Will it? Can it?

Please help me. Anyone. I wish this bipolar will just kill me. It kills me every day. Why won’t it just kill me. Kill me just kill me. Why torture me with your endless nonsense. BIPOLAR, JUST KILL ME ALREADY!!!

I am screaming. Does anyone hear me? Help me.

I can’t do it. I can’t take much more of this.

Dear God,

If you’re listening. I am sorry. I am sorry for all my misgivings. I am sorry for being wicked and undeserving of your love. Will you find it in your heart to forgive me? Forgive me Dear Lord. I want to take my life. I really do. Can you please forgive me?

Amen.

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5 Responses to Dear Bipolar, Please Kill Me.

  1. I hear you, are you rapid cycling?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Daniel Peterson says:

    I hated the numbness to spiritual sensitivity in meds. Mine was the haldol decanoate with cogentin & benadryl concoction. I always wondered if the doctors themselves ever tried them. I had the audacity to ask one. He didn’t think very highly of me. I got that vibe. Somehow he and I were like firecracker and gasoline mixed together. Sometimes I wished they had taped my visits with him to go back and watch them in real time. One of the last things I remember was his saying, before I was discharged from the hospital (Aug 2014), “If you ever come back here, you will be here a very long time, and when you get out you will have very little freedom.” Testy, to say the least. Anyway, I revel in the thought of seeing him again, but on my terms, rather. My most frequent words to him were, “You know how much I like having to repeat to you things I have ALREADY said!” I pulled that stunt in a staff meeting they dragged me in, and I got the boot before you could shake the dice.

    Like

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