I made the choice to start over. Yet I find myself alone. Alone with my bipolar. I am not seeking pity from anyone, just wondering, what do I do from here? I have erased my past and started anew, but I have no starting point. I am kind of living day by day. I am trying to understand why I shut out all those people; I mean was it completely unfair of me? I still have my best friend in my life so I did manage to hold on to SOMEBODY. When I think about it, for the last few months I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride and nothing was helping. Chatrooms, constant people messaging me, being in the thick of things I realized stepping back was all I could do.
So how is the bipolar treating me these days? Like a bitch like it always does. My sleep and dreams are constantly disturbed. Last night I heard a menacing scream in my sleep, almost like the friggin’ boogeyman. Who needs to watch horror movies when you have bipolar? Your life is a horror story. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish, but I wish I could hear God speak to me. I wish I was in His grace again. I haven’t attempted to pray only because I feel it would do no use. With medication blocking my Higher Power from me, how will I ever expect to hear His voice again? Whenever I heard a clear uncut message I was rushed off to the hospital for “mania.” When you hear the Grace of God and have a legitimate spiritual experience why are you labeled “mad?” Were the oracles of ancient times labeled as “manic?”
I am starting to question everything, including my faith. I want to feel Him again without being put in a hospital. How do you accomplish that? When I feel Him, I am being pushed far into mania. But do I live my life on drugs not feeling ANYTHING? Do I stay numb FOREVER? Do I put my family at risk again because I want to FEEL again? I feel nothing but depression. I get out of bed each day without a reason. No reason to get up, no reason to live. Must I live my life this way? I want to FEEL.
Let me FEEL again.