Have you ever sat down and asked yourself, “what is my purpose?” Some people don’t even acknowledge it. They just take out their phone and Facebook/Twitter/Tinder their lives away. I am struggling. Struggling to even write. Who is Jesus? What is God? Where has my faith gone? Do I believe in anything?
It’s hard to sit here and say I believe in “nothing.” I know there is SOMETHING out there. There has to be. My desire to connect leaves me feeling empty. Why is it that I want to connect so badly with others, yet there is a hole in my heart that limits me from doing so? I have started over. Everything is fresh and new, yet the hollowness of my heart still remains. I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of what I did to a friend that didn’t deserve to be treated unfairly. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I am not so sure. The whole point of starting over was to detach myself from my computer and go out in the real world, yet here I sit. I sit and just stare at the computer screen. The cursor just blinks, and I just stare, completely devoid of all feelings.
What is your purpose? Do you even know? The world is falling down around us. Russia and North Korea are a real life threat, yet here we are, and here I sit; completely oblivious that the world could be blown to hell at any moment. What will I be remembered for? Will I be remembered at all? A good kind caring man came into my life that understood me and I shut him out because of my own failures as a human being. I feel like praying, but my faith is so diminished after all that has gone in my life, I don’t think anyone will hear me. My voice is so small, so miniscule. Blink, blink, the cursor just blinks waiting for me to write something. I can’t go on like this. I have to make something happen. But what? All I can do is wait. Wait for a sign, or an absolution that will never come.
Blink, blink. Okay cursor, there is no more to write.