In giving up my blog, I had to make some really Hard Choices. I realized that in needing a new beginning, I had to give up everything of my old online life. This included some friends that I had made. Some really close ones too. I upset my fellow bipolar friend and angered his heart. I did what people don’t normally do, I talked to him. I didn’t “ghost” him. That would have been the easier route. That’s the route most take. Just avoid them till they “get the hint.” I cannot and will not do that to people. If I make an exit for whatever reason, I at least leave a goodbye message telling them why I had to depart and wish them a good life.
My bipolar friend made it really difficult. He was angry and hurt. He didn’t wish me well like my other friend did. I understand because we had gone through so much more. So why exit our friendship you ask? I needed distance. From the whole online world. My previous blog discussed the various encounters I had with the men in my online life. I chose to live my life online because it was safer. I had relationships, I had sex, and real friendships with people on the internet. I was missing out on real life though. I still spend a lot of my time online, but I am gradually breaking that habit.
In the interim of waiting on my decision from the Disability Board, I will have to fill my life with other pleasures. Maybe I will revisit Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now” and make some real changes. Maybe I will get lost in a world of Kings and Dragons in “A Song of Ice and Fire” and see what the big deal is about Game of Thrones. Maybe I will pick up my old gaming console and join Lara Croft on her Tombraider adventures like I did in my youth. The fact of the matter is I lived all the way up until my mid-twenties before I even discovered chatrooms and the internet. I was out living life before that. They key for me is getting back to that.
This blog will be about self-discovery and reinventing myself. It will be a bipolar journey through my highs and lows and learning to cope with such an illness. I do have a number of penpals I have amassed in my time online that I would like to keep in my life. But they are passing fancies, nothing too committed or too close to my heart. My problem is I let people in too close. I wanted so bad to connect that I forgot that on the internet no one really connects, or at least they shouldn’t. I don’t know what I am doing really, all I know is that I am trying to do what’s best for me. You gotta look out for Number One in your life and ultimately it boils down to YOU.
I feel selfish in some ways because of the path of destruction I left behind. That can’t be helped though. All I can do is move on and look forward. There is no looking back sometimes. Just keep on driving into the distance straight on till morning. Till the new day, the new dawn, and the new beginnings.