When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger


So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.


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Girl, Life, Interrupted

walking away

So, coming off the ridiculous high I was on, things seemed to have settled into place. The dating scene has been quiet, with just a few suitors hanging around, (cause you know, they all disappear). I think for the most part people are passing fancies. They go on sites, wanting to connect, but are not able to commit themselves long-term. It’s almost as if that “extra” effort needed is not there.

So here I am, 1:34pm, with a bit of eggs and coffee, pondering life. I saw a great inspirational video called Kyle Cease – Why People’s Opinion of You Aren’t Real this afternoon talking about how we are all running around trying to get approval from other people, whether it be through social media, those thousands of Instagram shots, or just a glance from a passing stranger, (check out the video it’s worth the 4 minutes). We are all on the “hunt” for some sort of gratification, and it begs me to wonder, “is that what this life is?”

I have come to the conclusion that I have an awesome life. Certain things are missing, of course, but that’s not to say things are bad. In this life all we have are moments. And as I stop now amidst my bipolar haze, things are finally becoming clear. Sometimes you just realize you are exactly where you are supposed to be, right at that moment. It’s funny you know, I don’t even feel like connecting or reaching out today. I just want to sit, relax, and stay on the outskirts of the world, just for now.

Do you feel at peace in your own company? Can you put that phone down for one second and just take in the sights around you and the smell in the air? Try appreciating the little things because that’s what truly matters.

Sex is off the table for now, but who knows that “mood” may strike me later where I will be on the prowl once again.

We shall see.

Stay tuned.

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A Strong, Confident, Articulate Woman in the Dating World


So I did it. I mastered it. That’s right ladies, I have cornered the market on how to have a successful dating life. First and foremost, you really have to stop giving a damn. I say that in the most sincere, kindest and honest way possible. What happened to me was, I was searching and searching for Mr. Right, you know, as we all do. I got their Skype, Google, Yahoo, and whatever contraption out there that hooked up to my phone so I would know INSTANTLY when I got a message from a potential suitor, and would drop everything to message them right away. BIG MISTAKE.

Men don’t really care about you, other than pussy or companionship. Point blank that’s what they want. Either they are lonely or want to get laid, those are their two motivations for contacting you. So what do you do? Stop giving a fuck! I know, I know, its REALLY hard, because you like a guy, you turn around and have sex with him and then he vanishes, never to be seen again. I have fallen victim to this COUNTLESS times.

Through all of it though, I realized, that men WILL come back. They WILL resurface if you made an impact on them. The dating world is a very strange animal in that there are way too many options for everyone. Married people get mixed up in this whole dating phenomenon and wonder if they “settled” for something less than what they always dreamed of.

I have come to the conclusion, that they key to happiness is to have SO MANY OPTIONS, that the ones worthy of your time will just have no choice but to COMPETE FOR YOU. That’s right ladies, it’s the age-old wives’ tale, “boys want what other boys want.” Since my whole I don’t give a fuck attitude, my phone and all my messangers have been blowing up like you wouldn’t believe. A guy that disappeared four months ago that I had amazing sex with will hit me up and we would have another amazing night together. Where most women would be like “It’s been 4 months since you’ve contacted me, fuck off!” I am the complete opposite. I make myself a memorable, gettable, unattainable, articulate, confident sexual dynamo that’s every man’s dream. I give each of my men 110% of me that I can give them in that moment. IMPORTANT POINT: Never lose your upper hand ladies. If for ANY reason, you are feeling coerced, pressured, uncomfortable, into something you don’t want to do, or you feel you are not being treated that the Queen that we all know you are, there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING wrong with telling a man the truth the situation.

What is the truth? “Sorry, I am not having sex with you tonight. I will not be coerced or pressured into something I don’t want to do, and honestly, I am in very high demand, so if you can’t treat me with me with the respect I deserve and don’t know how much of a privilege it is to be with me, there are literally thousands of men waiting to take your place.” Two things can happen. He can either tell you to fuck off, or really respect your position and GIVE you the commitment that you want.

Now I know it’s so HARD to let a man go, and be that assertive, but honestly, do you want anything less? You know your worth right? So why can’t he? The absolute fact is, we have the pussy, and they want it. There literally WILL be THOUSANDS of men in your Tinder/OkCupid/POF account waiting for you when you get home. I know there is such things as connection and romance. I am not blind to that, nor am I insensitive to it. But you MUST know your worth. And you MUST stand up for yourself.

I am not saint. Some may even call me a slut, but I have no shame in my game. Men WILL ALWAYS find me, and if one decides that he thinks I am too arrogant or a slut, (which is totally not true, I am the kindest, sweetest, most loving person on the planet), then he can go right back in the dating pool and look for a woman who suits him.

Ladies, the minute I stopped chasing men, I got everything I always wanted. Freedom, absolute power and control. A man can still dominate me. A man can still show his Alpha side, but NEVER will I EVER let a man take my power from me again.

Disclaimer: Through all of this, I have my loving best friend at my side who will be my companion till the day I die. The sex wasn’t there when we dated, but the companionship, stability and reliability he gives me is better than any DICK out there. Besides, I can date. I have my dildo and vibrator right? I think maybe it’s because I have a life partner locked down that I get away with all of this. Oh, and for all you ALPHA MALES that are ready to chew me a new asshole in the comments section, I DO TELL every one of the guys about my best friend. THEY ALL know up front that I have a man in my life that loves me and that I want to spend my life with. It’s up to them, if they can prove themselves a better man and give me all my best friend has, plus amazing, orgasmic sex. Let’s see who’s up to the challenge shall we?

Stay tuned.

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How Your Brain Can Touch The Universe


So as mania overtook me, I flew high through the Universe into throes of ultimate pleasure. I took many men along with me on my journey; charismatic, magnetic and confident they absolutely fell victim to the Bipolar’s magic GOD gene. I don’t understand neuroscience. I do not understand how the brain works, but attention MUST be paid to a Bipolar Person’s gift when it comes to mania.

Everyone’s is different. Some people have promiscuous sex, others spend loads of money, but the most common is the spiritual component. You feel electric. You are one with the universe. With God above, Heavens fall victim to your whims because no one can catch you. Your mind goes at lightning speed at the peak of the mountain, and when you fly you are gone past this Universe into the depths of another dimension. I can’t explain it. I just know it happens.

The men. They had multiple orgasms as they fell at my feet. They were in my ultimate power as I took them to the height of ecstasy. My spirit surged through their bodies as they did not know what hit them. Ropes and ropes of their seed spilled as they couldn’t take anymore and they told me to stop.

Can I ever be in a relationship with a power like this? How is just one man supposed to benefit from this? I need to be free. To date. To seduce men. To be powerful and let the Bipolar Wave take me outside this Universe and beyond.

It is an indescribable feeling. I don’t ever need to take a psychedelic drug to ever feel what my brain naturally unlocks when it does this to me. Mania should be praised. Why do we fall into psychosis? Why can’t we put the brakes on this and indulge in the orgasmic bliss of it all? I may never know the answer to that question.

The key is to stay out of the hospital. To be that criminal that is uncatchable in your own head. I can’t go back to that horrid place. Those doctors don’t know anything. They pump you up with so many pills that you become a zombie within yourself and turn into the worst version of a human being ever. Who wants to live like that?

So ride with me. Ride with me in orgasmic bliss. Imagine making your orgasm last longer than an instant. Just hold it right there. Right at the brink, right at the edge. That rush of endorphins. That sweet, sweet release lasting what almost feels like forever. That’s where I am at. Ride it with me. Come with me. I will take you on the Stairway to Heaven beyond the Stars into the greatest exquisite depths of the Universe. We are unmatched. We are the Bipolar.

Stay Tuned.

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Honestly, What Do You Want Out of a Relationship?

love question

So, I have had to swallow some hard pills over the past few days. I have gotten myself involved with several men, all of which seems to be intent on having a relationship with me. It’s weird because I don’t really see myself with any of them. I am quite happy living my life with my best friend until Death comes along, the only catch is, I have to live without sex for the next 50 years. Talk about decisions huh?

As I approach my 40s in the next couple of years, I think I plan on being somewhat of a bombshell. I am taking steps now to fix myself up, (had the biopsy on the thyroid mass and I am cancer free!), so as I may actually achieve that goal. These men that want to be in my life, I will just have to use for sex, which sounds horrible in its own right. One guy, The Teacher, is very similar to me. He wants to be in a relationship and be just emotionally tied to one woman, but have the freedom to have sex, (online and offline), with other women. Now, most women would find that appalling, but I actually don’t. I mean to me, I would never want a man to limit my sexual activities because we were in a relationship. I want the freedom to have my rocks off, so why wouldn’t I want the same for him? How awful am I?  Haha. Good thing this is all in fantasy right now. I haven’t actually made steps to have any of this happen.

Guy two, is more extreme. Outgoing Guy, let’s call him, likes to live it up and have fun. Never been married, not only does he want the freedom to have sex, but he also wants the freedom to date and have girlfriends! Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too! I didn’t like that idea. You see, if a man just fucks outside our relationship, I can handle that, because I fuck outside my relationships too. There is no feeling attached when I do it. But when you start having dates and girlfriends, sex becomes more about emotion, and that’s dangerous if you want to screw around and have a committed relationship. Oh, and he also wants me to charge the men I fuck money for sex, so yeah, I ultimately will be his prostitute too. Talk about a kinky relationship! I am totally on the fence about that one, but who knows? Maybe by the time I am in my 40s and hit even more of a sexual peak than I already am in my 30s, perhaps I would want to have many partners. That one is totally up in the air. I enjoy talking to him though, but when he told me about his date from the other night and they were “making out on his couch like teenagers,” it made my stomach turn. So yeah, that scenario probably isn’t for me. I think I need to leave that one alone.

So what do I want out of a relationship? Honestly? As time goes on, I think I am interested in mainly a sexual one. But, I can never tell that to a man though. (I am crazy but not that crazy!) I have my best friend for all the emotional support and love I need, I just wish we could figure out the sex part. The most frustrating thing about me is, I am literally split in two when it comes to my sexuality, as I have mentioned in previous posts. I could never see my best friend in a sexual way, because he is too “pure” to me, and I am really just a dirty slut, and want to be treated as one, if I am being totally honest with myself.

Writing all this out really puts things into perspective for me. In black and white, it’s all fact, and the fact is I can either live without sex for the rest of my life, or I could just find a fuck buddy. I just hope the guy doesn’t get emotionally attached. Haha, who am I kidding, right? I have to tread carefully in finding that, because I am definitely not looking for someone just to use me, but that makes me a hypocrite because I would be using them. All so complicated! So between those two gents, I really don’t have any more options at the moment. Oh, except the Religious Guy from New Jersey, who wants his Priest to basically jerk him off by blessing his genitals with Holy Water for our future kids. Yeah, What???!!!! Haha, let’s leave that one alone for now, but yeah, this is my life. Hope you stick around for the next segment.

Stay tuned.

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In A Melancholy State of Mind…


So here I am. Another day, another heartbreak. This is becoming a recurring theme with me, but I keep getting back on that proverbial dating horse! I mean, once we give up that’s it right?

So Kurio. Another chapter closed. Again. For the second time. It might be the last time, I am not sure of how I want to handle it yet. He basically said goodbye in his last email to me, and you know what? I am fine with it. Since I shut the “sex” door on him, he took it personally, too personally, I think. The only reason I did that, is I couldn’t get into the sex stuff after I dumped the older gent from California. I mean when I realized I was getting “used” for sex, I mean, I didn’t really feel sexy anymore, you know? So somehow, my cold shoulder translated into me getting the boot. Which is fine. I am personally done chasing men.

Which leads me to my current state. I am not manic and I am not depressed. I am sad, a little. Just a little. I mean I am running around trying to make a connection, and I feel like I am forcing it. The right guy will just come won’t he? And for that matter, do I even want a relationship? I mean I haven’t even reached back out to Lancelot, (The Stoner), and I don’t even think I want to. He hasn’t attempted to contact me either, so I may just leave that alone, for now. I do want someone to play Lord Of the Rings Online with, so I will see if I will dig up that old bag of bones again. I don’t know, that seems like one big hornet’s nest. Lancelot is just too much of a stoner for me to handle. He mentions getting high like every other sentence. That’s a little much don’t you think?

On a good note, I have been writing again. I found an amazing roleplaying partner on that god awful Adult Chat I go to. He is very detailed and very romantic. I can do sex scenes with him like all night. And last night, we didn’t even get into sex scenes, it was more about the story than anything else. I am thinking of getting more partners, by re-joining some roleplaying sites, but we will see what happens.

Anyway, therapy is today so I am looking forward to that. I guess it’s safe to say that I am hanging up my dating shoes for a while. I am a little gun shy at the moment. I am also a bit melancholy. It’s weird, I don’t really feel anything, yet I feel EVERYTHING. I don’t know, could be just another bipolar thing.

Till next time.

Stay tuned.


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Knocked Back into Reality

So just the other day, I was boasting about me being a wonderful sex kitten and acting all sexy and what not. Fast forward to today and I am in a horrible place with myself. I will admit, I did have the most amazing orgasm last night. It was one of those earth shattering monumental ones, you know where you just sit there and shake and let the ripples run through your body. Kurio had a lot to do with that. His words are just flying off the page now and hitting me in the most naughtiest of places. But I digress….

I am here, about to go to bed and face another day of work tomorrow. I was talking to my older suitor a little while ago and basically told him that I think we were focusing too much on sex. He not only shrugged it off, but I think this man has absolutely no interest in me other than what is between my legs and on my chest. I have felt cheap before, but its been a while since a man made me feel so worthless.

I could be going through another bipolar phase of me sinking back down into depression,  but I think this time I may have just been really just knocked back into reality. All of what I am doing is online fantasy anyway, so what does any of it really matter?

Sex is everywhere. People getting it, trying to get it, thinking about it, using it as a weapon, not getting enough, it goes on and on. What the hell happened to people?

I feel absolutely horrible.

I hope it passes soon.

Stay tuned.

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Sex Kitten on the Prowl….

lips 2

So, I haven’t written in a while, mostly because there hasn’t been anything to whine and complain about. How terrible is that? So I decided to get into something sexy for this post. One of my favorite features about myself is my lips. I have always gotten compliments on them as far back as I can remember. I mean when I was younger I had a hot body too, but the lips always stood out. And since then they have done me so much good.

Anyway, I found myself a new suitor. I wrote him off. He is 54, and if you’re thinking what I am thinking, the first thought is he’s married, followed by he is bald and fat. Not only is he NOT bald, (I don’t really care about fat because that would be the pot calling the kettle black), but he is drop dead gorgeous. I was skeptical, because we live in a world of “Catfish,” (even though it seems a bit scripted now), but I did the google reverse image search and no results showed up. That doesn’t necessarily mean he ISN’T, in fact, a catfish but he does seem like he is the real deal. I am still on the fence about it, but since it’s just an online flirt, I won’t think much of it. I climaxed pretty heavily last night with thoughts of him though. (This all started because he saw my lips by the way, and instantly fell in lust).

And that isn’t my only adventure I am having. Things have started heating up pretty heavily with Kurio via email, (as hard as that is to believe), but I made him have two powerful orgasms, (or so he says, you never know with these guys). I will admit Kurio’s writings on Literotica are highly orgasmic, and I was more than turned on that I am in a correspondence with the author. Almost like talking to the Fifty Shades of Grey author, (if that was a guy). And I know what people said about the book, but I loved the first one, I was very turned on by it. I even enjoyed the movie. I don’t know, maybe I am the only fan left? I mean a lot of people are hating on the whole series.

But I digress, I am finally taking of myself health-wise. I went for my biopsy today, and I may get the surgery soon. Then the next step is shedding all of this weight, all while working. The Seroquel seems to be working well. I was very hesitant about going on another pill, but after my complete breakdown last week, I think it was needed. So bipolar life isn’t so bad this week.

Oh, and the Pilot has vanished. I think that one has flown the coop. And Lancelot the stoner? He has vanished again. I texted him in a drunken haze last week. There won’t be a repeat to that. He is probably passed out on the floor anyway. Haha.

I think the best thing to do right now is just enjoy teasing my suitors, as I sit here topless on a hot day in NYC….

Stay tuned.

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