When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.

 

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A Special Birthday Wish on my 37th…

37th-birthday

So, another year has passed. Today June 26, 2017, officially marks my 37th birthday and I couldn’t be happier. I mean I am the fattest I have been in my life, but lets not ruin a positive post with negative bipolar shenanigans. I have also officially maintained staying on medication for 10 years as well, which is huge for me because I always used to throw them out and end up right back in the hospital. Boy my twenties were some dark times. But I digress, the future is upon me and it couldn’t be brighter.

I had the most amazing time today too. I went to the spa with my mom and sister, followed by brunch and the movie “Wonder Woman” which was utterly fantastic! What a perfect girl’s day out! I have to say the actress that plays Wonder Woman is absolutely GORGEOUS and strong, and played the role so well. No one is more fit to step into Linda Carter’s shoes.

Anyway, I had some amazing chats last night, which led to a 48-hour manic marathon where I haven’t had any sleep since Saturday night. I usually get really tired when I have stayed up this long, but I have to say I am pretty pumped. I met some great guys last night online, and met up with some old friends who I haven’t spoken to in a while.

My best friend, (and love of my life), got a new job and it was his first day today. He was supposed to come and join my birthday celebration but he had to start his new job. It was a blessing in disguise because I really got a look at myself when I went out today and BOY did I put on weight! I am officially 100 pounds overweight and it is god awful. Something must be done! But I don’t want to let that sway my good spirits though because life couldn’t be better. As dark as the days that have passed, I can honestly say that I am hopeful to the future, (and it’s not the drinks talking).

So my birthday wish to myself, is that I live for another 37 years, drama-free and bipolar-mood-fucking-hell free.  I was born 37 years ago, when 8-track tapes and Atari were around. Where people called each other up on a landline to hang out, and we all got along better and not glued to the Digital Age. I miss my childhood. I miss growing up playing in the streets and tuning in to Star Trek the Next Generation, the A-Team, and Knight Rider. But it’s a new day, times have changed, and I am hopeful that my life gets better from here on out.

A special shout-out to those who wished me a happy birthday today, it was really kind of you all.

To the next 37!

Cheers!

Stay tuned.

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A Question of Faith

faith

What is it like to have faith? What soars through your body when you call out to God or your higher power? I haven’t heard God’s voice in a long time, and it has been very painful for me.

Mental illness is a factor too. I have struggled with Bipolar for many years, and the hospitalizations came when I was deeply connected to the universe. How do I know its not mania? What would it take for me to hear His voice again and not be manic? My therapist says it’s a very fine line. If you suffer from bipolar, how do you know that the voice inside your head telling you it’s God isn’t just another manic episode? So many questions, but I think it all boils down to faith.

How much faith do YOU have? If you could measure it, would it fill a glass? Would it fill ten glasses? Or would it just be empty? For all you empty glass holders, welcome to my world. I have been numbed with medication to the point where I no longer FEEL anymore. How do I put a positive spin on this? Simple. I am going to talk about my spirituality.

Spirituality, to me, means a deep connection to the universe. To tap into the unexplained, to that portion of your mind where it is forbidden to go. My mania. The Enlightened One. That’s what I become. Do I really have to be manic to feel my spirituality again? I wonder. I have had moments of clarity over the past few months. I landed a job, which was such an accomplishment, and I made peace with all my online relationships. But where does my spiritual side fit into all of this?

It is a gift. He sees me, and He loves me no matter what I have done. I don’t believe in sin, I believe in choice. We choose to do right or wrong, sin only occurs when you are feeling judged. The only judge is yourself. No God will punish you, but you will punish yourself for the wrongs you have done. My sins are personal because I am not harming anyone, and I have made peace with them. But to be spiritual, do we have to absolved of sin?

To be pure in the eyes of God, is to be at peace with yourself. To know that in your heart you are a good person and not to intentionally harm other people. I think my spirituality is deeply rooted in my connections with the wonderful people I have in my life. I may not feel that euphoria of standing in a meadow talking to the Northern Wind, but I am content.

I do feel that empty glass of Faith though, and it troubles me. So pray with me now, as we embark on our journey. I offer my hand in friendship to any lost soul who is reading this and has lost His voice.

Pray with me now.

Dearest God,

Where have you gone from me? I am here waiting for an answer, a resolution. Why did you make me? Why did you give me a mental illness that I have to block, but also blocks you?  I am humbled by you and your Grace, yet I feel an empty heart. See me. Feel me. Bring your love back into my empty heart. Show yourself to me again. Talk to me. Talk to me Dearest God. I am so lost without your wisdom. 

I pray now. I pray for all the lost souls that have been so lost without you. Come back to us. We need you.

We need the medication they tell us. But at what cost? It’s a question of Faith. Did God hear me today? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t feel, and I would give anything to feel the touch of the Divine in my soul again.

As my birthday approaches, (Monday), I will remember that He gave me life for a purpose. What it is yet, even after all these years, I still do not know.

Maybe He will talk to me again. Maybe just maybe.

It’s a question of Faith.

Stay tuned.

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Knowing It Will All Be Okay….

child sunrise

Have you ever had moments of severe depression? Where you felt the whole world is crashing down on you? Do you spend hours on the internet living vicariously through others’ lives? Do you sometimes feel you don’t have a life of your own?

Bipolar is hard, I know it is, and living with it can be an absolute nightmare. The worst part? Feeling all alone. Being lonely in a group of people is the most difficult thing to deal with. You are surrounded by loved ones and all you are doing is crying on the inside for help.

I have been somewhat level/stable now for a few days, so I am able to reflect on some of my behavior and even some of my blog posts. I am ultimately searching. Searching for someone to complete me and make me whole, but as I am learning, that can only be done by myself. I must be the one to fill the emptiness in my heart. It will take some real soul-searching, but I know it will all be okay. How did I come up with this conclusion? It is as simple as getting off the computer, out of my phone, and into the real world.

My new job is really helping me. Right now, it is only one day a week, but I am starting to feel a shift/balance happening to my body. I am still working on my appearance, but I am feeling better about myself all around. Things are still really hard, like shopping, going for that mani/pedi, getting my eyebrows done, but that’s all trivial stuff.

My birthday is Monday and I am turning the big 3-7. How did I ever get this old? How is it that I am approaching 40 and I still can’t tidy my home? Why is life just going at such a fast pace now? Before I know it, I will be 60. What a scary thought. I know I won’t be alone though, so I do take comfort in that. But will it be okay? Yeah, yeah I think it will be. I honestly feel nothing for internet men anymore. Online relationships had consumed me for so long, that I had forgotten about reality. I have been ghosting people these days, only because I have set the standard really high. If a guy is going to be douche or treat me as some booty call, I am not having any of it.

You know what’s sad? I don’t see guys writing about love anymore. What happened to men like Lord Byron, and John Keats? The real poets of the long everlasting true love we all desire? It’s all about cumming. Since when did orgasms replace love? Why are men treating women like sex dolls and women treating men like dildos? What the hell happened to us anyway?

I don’t know really, but I am going to try to get through this life with as much ease as possible. I need to pull myself out of that desire to connect so badly. I haven’t heard from the Texan in a long time, and you know what? It’s okay. I will be okay. I think I have taken my power back as a woman and as I approach my birthday, I know that another year has gone by that made me stronger and it was well worth it.

Cheers to another 37 years! I pray that it’s drama free.

Stay tuned.

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Feeling at my Worst, but still Hoping for the Best

Hope-Quotes-14

Bipolar is so god damn hard. We can’t make heads or tails of the situations we are in, and even if things are perfect in our perfect world it all still feels like complete shit. Why is that? I have never felt worse. I have incredible people in my life, yet I am so utterly alone. I am so, so fucking alone. I have no one to even have a cup of coffee with. I let myself get so incredibly fat, I disgust myself. What happened to me?

Tomorrow is my second day at my new job and I want to quit. I want to fail and ruin my life. I want to destroy any hope of happiness. Why do I want to do that? This is endless, this horrid, horrid pain. I feel absolutely worthless. I go on chat sites expecting to find the man of my dreams, and all I find are horny douchebags. Can guys think past sex for one fucking second please???!!! I am so sick of this shit. I am sick of this whoring good for nothing generation. What happened to the gentlemen? When did men forget that they had to put in effort to get sex?

I hate everyone. I hate everything. I hate my life and worst of all I hate men. ALL MEN. FUCK YOU ALL. I don’t even care anymore. I have never felt worse. I have been leaving a path of destruction in my wake too. I have been ghosting people left and right and I could care less. Why I am getting punished for my behavior? What happened to all those bastards that were ghosting me? Why don’t they feel like utter shit?

I feel worthless, useless, like garbage. I am sick of my life and I want to die. I want to call my job tomorrow and quit and then swallow all my pills and just fucking die. JUST DIE ALREADY. What is the point of any of this? Seriously. Why are we here even doing this? We live life to just die. So why can’t I just DIE now? Why do I have to live? To do what? It is so fucking pointless. I am not even depressed, I am not even manic. I am just angry and tired. I hate everyone in the world so much. I hate beautiful people. I hate married people with kids. I hate anyone who is in a happy relationship. I hate you ALL.

I have nothing to look forward to. I have no one who loves me. I am knocking on death’s door. But something stops me. It’s God. That son of a bitch stops me. Through all of it, speaking through the depression, the suicide, the HATE, I feel Peace. I am so unbelievably crazy. I am screaming at the top of my lungs every day, and no one can see it or hear it. What would I give to feel love again? What would I give if I could meet a man who would complete me? I am so, so tired.

Dating is so hard. Especially when you’re bipolar. I won’t take my life, and I don’t hate you all, or all men. That’s just years of so much anger coming out along with so much anger for the state of the world right now. How did the world become so dysfunctional? What happened to us? I thought technology was supposed to help us. Why is it making it so hard to connect now?

We are completely overstimulated and understimulated at the same time. It’s a conundrum that’s going to kill us, some of us even faster than others. Forty percent of bipolar people commit suicide. As angry as I am, I don’t want to be a statistic. As angry as I am I don’t want to leave those I love behind without answers as to why I took my own life. I am feeling at my worst but hoping for the best.

I will go into work tomorrow, and it will be okay.

I won’t die.

Stay tuned.

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Another Ghost Floats Away…

203043-Floating-Ghost

So we all have been ghosted right? I seem to be Queen of the “ghosting” phenomenon these days. Men seem to just float away from me. M-M is the latest one. I spoke about him a bit in my last post, and things were going really well. Then, POOF! Gone off the face of the Earth with no way of contacting him.

What’s funny is I am so numb to the whole thing now. It’s quite a shame that the “ghosting” phenomenon is happening and so many people are finding it easy to just disappear without no warning or word. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. When did this become acceptable? I feel bad for the online daters out there. I couldn’t have imagined meeting M-M in real life, sleeping with him, and then “poof” he’s gone. I did go a little overboard with the cyber sex with him, but he seemed to be really into it. I ticked all his boxes, he ticked all mine. So what happened? Did he get scared? Did I get too close to his heart and his sexuality? What was it? The absolute worst part of ghosting is that you never know and the “ghostee” always is left with no answers. It’s a shit way to treat people, and it happens way too much.

So, what to do now? I guess pick up the pieces of my heart he touched and move on. I guess in a way I relieved too. We were getting too close to each other it seems. I let myself get carried away with these men online way too often. Every week I seem to be gushing over a new one, only to come back with an empty “ghost” on my phone. What a shit way to treat people.

Anyway, it’s all for the best I suppose. Now I can concentrate on my new job tomorrow with a clean slate. My personal life may be in shambles but at least I can focus on working. Till next time folks, and to all you “ghostees” out there, I feel your pain. Hopefully some dipshit hasn’t broken your heart with their silence. It will get better. It has to. I hope.

Stay tuned.

 

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The Orgasm and the Thunderstorm…

orgasm

So it is nearing 5am, and I am nowhere near the sleeping schedule I should be on for my first day of work on Thursday. But I just had the most amazing experience and I thought I should write about it.

It was your typical Sunday evening, I had said to myself “I am going to bed at a normal time tonight, but let’s just check out some chatrooms first.” I found myself in my usual hangout on Paltalk, and was just chatting away with some of the “regulars” I know. I also had Skype open and was talking to “Shane,” (a guy I had met briefly last week), who is duller than a stump. I closed off Skype and decided to venture into the sinful world of Adult Chat. Now I know, I have said it before, that place is a den of sin and all guys want there is a plaything to jerk off to. I had the Adult Chat minimized and was chatting away in Paltalk when the Literary, messaged me. Now me and the Literary have gone back and forth over the years, and his 22-year-old immaturity finally reached a breaking point with me. I am going to be 37 in 21 days so I have no more time to screw around with these kids. Anyway, I politely told him I was tired of his games and closed out his window. Then a mysterious “M-M” messaged me. M-M was all his handle said. I was curious and opened his chat box to find that he was a psychology educator in Maine and was looking for an articulate, creative passionate woman to converse with.

My antenna immediately went up. There are literally thousands of people who go through this Adult Chat on every given night, and out of the thousands there is usually one gem that is worth all the dick pics and vulgar come-ons. Like since my handle is “Articulate Lady” and I get messages that say “Can you articulate on my cock?” Seriously folks, this is what I get on there. Anyway, among all that nonsense, M-M seemed like the real deal. (M-M are his initials as I found out later on. I originally thought it meant “Married Man,” cause ya never know, but he isn’t amrried, phew!)

But I digress, me and M-M had an amazing conversation about life, people on the internet, and some of the horrible “ghosting” experiences we had. We moved the chat over to Google Hangouts, (points for me because I scored the email), and we continued to have a more in-depth discussion. I became bolder as the night went on and we both went on to discuss our sex lives. He is bisexual, (like Azure was, Azure being the guy I had many sex sessions with over two years, who I considered a wonderful friend, then ghosted me, Asshole!). Anyway, I have always had a weakness for bisexual men. I think that they are more open with their sexuality and can be more eager to experiment. I actually find it quite hot.

As things started heating up, and my room was become hotter by the moment, something odd happened. The loudest, most extreme thunderstorm was booming overhead. As we were both masturbating and conversing, the thunderstorm grew louder and bolder and as I was achieving my climax, the wind howled, the lightning stroke, and the thunder boomed. It was the most intense, surreal orgasm I ever had. I would dare to even call it a spiritual orgasm, or a deep tantric experience.

I have never felt more energized and I have never felt more alive. After M-M and I exchanged goodnights, I went outside in this thunderstorm, smoked a cigarette and stood out in the rain and got wet. It was exhilarating and freeing. As I felt the rain through my hair and on my glasses, I thought, “this is it.” Could M-M be the one I was waiting for? After our horror stories about the ghosting we both went through, I don’t expect him to just vanish into the night. I think he is going to stick around and we will have a lot more sexy stories to share and perhaps some roleplays to enjoy.

Now the storm has passed, and I can hear the wonderful birds outside beckoning sunrise. What a night it has been! I have to say this past week has been the most eye-opening and expressive to me. I have never felt more in-tune with nature and even with God. I know nearly every religion says masturbation is a sin, but tantric experiences like this cannot be a sin or even dirty and evil. It was beautiful and electric and I hope I have many more to come. We will see what the next chapter holds.

Stay tuned.

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Recapturing What Was Lost…

mindfulness

Do you ever feel there is a moment in time, that you want to recapture some of the magic of your former self? Have we all just gotten so old and jaded that we can longer see the beauty in the world? For the past two days, there has been beautiful weather in New York. The sun is shining brightly, and the wind bustles through the trees just enough to keep it slightly under 70 degrees. Two perfect Spring days. I have been blessed to have had peaceful moments within them. I recaptured something, a part of myself, a connection with God. I asked, as I looked up through the swaying trees at the hint of sun in between, “Are you there? Can you hear me?” Just then it began to rain. A lovely sun shower poured upon me. Not a cloud in the sky, yet it rained softly on me as I gazed up to the heavens searching for my answer.

It has been a harrowing few weeks. I had become incredibly lonely and lost. I have no real life friends to speak of, so just wanting to go out to have a cup of coffee with someone was out of the question. So, I looked online for companionship. I basically have been avoiding The Texan because he made it absolutely clear that he could never be with just one woman. Not that I care because I am hundreds of miles away, but the whole thing seems like such a turn off. I refuse to be some plaything for a chauvinistic man-whore. I think I deserve better respect than that.

There have been others that came by my path, such as the Arizona Professor who I exchanged flirty messages with and the Red Bull Executive who is a self-made millionaire, (or so he says, come on this is online people). And of course through all of this, is my rock solid best friend who I share my evenings with. I couldn’t be more lucky or rick in my life.

I finally landed a part-time job as well, something that has been plaguing my mind for some time. I don’t know if it will last or if I will be good at it, but I know I have to start somewhere.

Bipolar life isn’t easy. I have no idea if whether or not my spiritual conversations with God during the past two beautiful Spring days have been bouts of mania and delusion. Is having faith a symptom of mania? Is talking to your higher power a sign that you’re crazy? I will never know the answers to these questions I suppose, because being me has taught me that I can be either a raving lunatic or a deeply profound individual. Did God really speak to me? Was it just another manic delusion of my mind? I guess the Power of my Faith will have to decide that. I believe He is always listening anyway, and even though I am a sinner, I enjoy porn, sex and masturbation, I will always hold true in my heart that I am in His Grace. By the way, I don’t read the Bible or go to church; nor do I practice any religion. I don’t need to identify with any sect to reinforce my faith. My affirmation is pure and deep in my heart.

I will say this though. The men I have met the past few days have brought me comfort. They may not be long-lasting relationships, but they fulfill the need for company in the moment. I am not really worried about ghosting or if I ever speak to them again, I think I am starting to embrace the idea of living in the present. After all the present moment of mindfulness is all we really have. On to the next adventure then……

Stay tuned.

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