When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.

 

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Feeling at my Worst, but still Hoping for the Best

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Bipolar is so god damn hard. We can’t make heads or tails of the situations we are in, and even if things are perfect in our perfect world it all still feels like complete shit. Why is that? I have never felt worse. I have incredible people in my life, yet I am so utterly alone. I am so, so fucking alone. I have no one to even have a cup of coffee with. I let myself get so incredibly fat, I disgust myself. What happened to me?

Tomorrow is my second day at my new job and I want to quit. I want to fail and ruin my life. I want to destroy any hope of happiness. Why do I want to do that? This is endless, this horrid, horrid pain. I feel absolutely worthless. I go on chat sites expecting to find the man of my dreams, and all I find are horny douchebags. Can guys think past sex for one fucking second please???!!! I am so sick of this shit. I am sick of this whoring good for nothing generation. What happened to the gentlemen? When did men forget that they had to put in effort to get sex?

I hate everyone. I hate everything. I hate my life and worst of all I hate men. ALL MEN. FUCK YOU ALL. I don’t even care anymore. I have never felt worse. I have been leaving a path of destruction in my wake too. I have been ghosting people left and right and I could care less. Why I am getting punished for my behavior? What happened to all those bastards that were ghosting me? Why don’t they feel like utter shit?

I feel worthless, useless, like garbage. I am sick of my life and I want to die. I want to call my job tomorrow and quit and then swallow all my pills and just fucking die. JUST DIE ALREADY. What is the point of any of this? Seriously. Why are we here even doing this? We live life to just die. So why can’t I just DIE now? Why do I have to live? To do what? It is so fucking pointless. I am not even depressed, I am not even manic. I am just angry and tired. I hate everyone in the world so much. I hate beautiful people. I hate married people with kids. I hate anyone who is in a happy relationship. I hate you ALL.

I have nothing to look forward to. I have no one who loves me. I am knocking on death’s door. But something stops me. It’s God. That son of a bitch stops me. Through all of it, speaking through the depression, the suicide, the HATE, I feel Peace. I am so unbelievably crazy. I am screaming at the top of my lungs every day, and no one can see it or hear it. What would I give to feel love again? What would I give if I could meet a man who would complete me? I am so, so tired.

Dating is so hard. Especially when you’re bipolar. I won’t take my life, and I don’t hate you all, or all men. That’s just years of so much anger coming out along with so much anger for the state of the world right now. How did the world become so dysfunctional? What happened to us? I thought technology was supposed to help us. Why is it making it so hard to connect now?

We are completely overstimulated and understimulated at the same time. It’s a conundrum that’s going to kill us, some of us even faster than others. Forty percent of bipolar people commit suicide. As angry as I am, I don’t want to be a statistic. As angry as I am I don’t want to leave those I love behind without answers as to why I took my own life. I am feeling at my worst but hoping for the best.

I will go into work tomorrow, and it will be okay.

I won’t die.

Stay tuned.

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Another Ghost Floats Away…

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So we all have been ghosted right? I seem to be Queen of the “ghosting” phenomenon these days. Men seem to just float away from me. M-M is the latest one. I spoke about him a bit in my last post, and things were going really well. Then, POOF! Gone off the face of the Earth with no way of contacting him.

What’s funny is I am so numb to the whole thing now. It’s quite a shame that the “ghosting” phenomenon is happening and so many people are finding it easy to just disappear without no warning or word. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. When did this become acceptable? I feel bad for the online daters out there. I couldn’t have imagined meeting M-M in real life, sleeping with him, and then “poof” he’s gone. I did go a little overboard with the cyber sex with him, but he seemed to be really into it. I ticked all his boxes, he ticked all mine. So what happened? Did he get scared? Did I get too close to his heart and his sexuality? What was it? The absolute worst part of ghosting is that you never know and the “ghostee” always is left with no answers. It’s a shit way to treat people, and it happens way too much.

So, what to do now? I guess pick up the pieces of my heart he touched and move on. I guess in a way I relieved too. We were getting too close to each other it seems. I let myself get carried away with these men online way too often. Every week I seem to be gushing over a new one, only to come back with an empty “ghost” on my phone. What a shit way to treat people.

Anyway, it’s all for the best I suppose. Now I can concentrate on my new job tomorrow with a clean slate. My personal life may be in shambles but at least I can focus on working. Till next time folks, and to all you “ghostees” out there, I feel your pain. Hopefully some dipshit hasn’t broken your heart with their silence. It will get better. It has to. I hope.

Stay tuned.

 

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The Orgasm and the Thunderstorm…

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So it is nearing 5am, and I am nowhere near the sleeping schedule I should be on for my first day of work on Thursday. But I just had the most amazing experience and I thought I should write about it.

It was your typical Sunday evening, I had said to myself “I am going to bed at a normal time tonight, but let’s just check out some chatrooms first.” I found myself in my usual hangout on Paltalk, and was just chatting away with some of the “regulars” I know. I also had Skype open and was talking to “Shane,” (a guy I had met briefly last week), who is duller than a stump. I closed off Skype and decided to venture into the sinful world of Adult Chat. Now I know, I have said it before, that place is a den of sin and all guys want there is a plaything to jerk off to. I had the Adult Chat minimized and was chatting away in Paltalk when the Literary, messaged me. Now me and the Literary have gone back and forth over the years, and his 22-year-old immaturity finally reached a breaking point with me. I am going to be 37 in 21 days so I have no more time to screw around with these kids. Anyway, I politely told him I was tired of his games and closed out his window. Then a mysterious “M-M” messaged me. M-M was all his handle said. I was curious and opened his chat box to find that he was a psychology educator in Maine and was looking for an articulate, creative passionate woman to converse with.

My antenna immediately went up. There are literally thousands of people who go through this Adult Chat on every given night, and out of the thousands there is usually one gem that is worth all the dick pics and vulgar come-ons. Like since my handle is “Articulate Lady” and I get messages that say “Can you articulate on my cock?” Seriously folks, this is what I get on there. Anyway, among all that nonsense, M-M seemed like the real deal. (M-M are his initials as I found out later on. I originally thought it meant “Married Man,” cause ya never know, but he isn’t amrried, phew!)

But I digress, me and M-M had an amazing conversation about life, people on the internet, and some of the horrible “ghosting” experiences we had. We moved the chat over to Google Hangouts, (points for me because I scored the email), and we continued to have a more in-depth discussion. I became bolder as the night went on and we both went on to discuss our sex lives. He is bisexual, (like Azure was, Azure being the guy I had many sex sessions with over two years, who I considered a wonderful friend, then ghosted me, Asshole!). Anyway, I have always had a weakness for bisexual men. I think that they are more open with their sexuality and can be more eager to experiment. I actually find it quite hot.

As things started heating up, and my room was become hotter by the moment, something odd happened. The loudest, most extreme thunderstorm was booming overhead. As we were both masturbating and conversing, the thunderstorm grew louder and bolder and as I was achieving my climax, the wind howled, the lightning stroke, and the thunder boomed. It was the most intense, surreal orgasm I ever had. I would dare to even call it a spiritual orgasm, or a deep tantric experience.

I have never felt more energized and I have never felt more alive. After M-M and I exchanged goodnights, I went outside in this thunderstorm, smoked a cigarette and stood out in the rain and got wet. It was exhilarating and freeing. As I felt the rain through my hair and on my glasses, I thought, “this is it.” Could M-M be the one I was waiting for? After our horror stories about the ghosting we both went through, I don’t expect him to just vanish into the night. I think he is going to stick around and we will have a lot more sexy stories to share and perhaps some roleplays to enjoy.

Now the storm has passed, and I can hear the wonderful birds outside beckoning sunrise. What a night it has been! I have to say this past week has been the most eye-opening and expressive to me. I have never felt more in-tune with nature and even with God. I know nearly every religion says masturbation is a sin, but tantric experiences like this cannot be a sin or even dirty and evil. It was beautiful and electric and I hope I have many more to come. We will see what the next chapter holds.

Stay tuned.

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Recapturing What Was Lost…

mindfulness

Do you ever feel there is a moment in time, that you want to recapture some of the magic of your former self? Have we all just gotten so old and jaded that we can longer see the beauty in the world? For the past two days, there has been beautiful weather in New York. The sun is shining brightly, and the wind bustles through the trees just enough to keep it slightly under 70 degrees. Two perfect Spring days. I have been blessed to have had peaceful moments within them. I recaptured something, a part of myself, a connection with God. I asked, as I looked up through the swaying trees at the hint of sun in between, “Are you there? Can you hear me?” Just then it began to rain. A lovely sun shower poured upon me. Not a cloud in the sky, yet it rained softly on me as I gazed up to the heavens searching for my answer.

It has been a harrowing few weeks. I had become incredibly lonely and lost. I have no real life friends to speak of, so just wanting to go out to have a cup of coffee with someone was out of the question. So, I looked online for companionship. I basically have been avoiding The Texan because he made it absolutely clear that he could never be with just one woman. Not that I care because I am hundreds of miles away, but the whole thing seems like such a turn off. I refuse to be some plaything for a chauvinistic man-whore. I think I deserve better respect than that.

There have been others that came by my path, such as the Arizona Professor who I exchanged flirty messages with and the Red Bull Executive who is a self-made millionaire, (or so he says, come on this is online people). And of course through all of this, is my rock solid best friend who I share my evenings with. I couldn’t be more lucky or rick in my life.

I finally landed a part-time job as well, something that has been plaguing my mind for some time. I don’t know if it will last or if I will be good at it, but I know I have to start somewhere.

Bipolar life isn’t easy. I have no idea if whether or not my spiritual conversations with God during the past two beautiful Spring days have been bouts of mania and delusion. Is having faith a symptom of mania? Is talking to your higher power a sign that you’re crazy? I will never know the answers to these questions I suppose, because being me has taught me that I can be either a raving lunatic or a deeply profound individual. Did God really speak to me? Was it just another manic delusion of my mind? I guess the Power of my Faith will have to decide that. I believe He is always listening anyway, and even though I am a sinner, I enjoy porn, sex and masturbation, I will always hold true in my heart that I am in His Grace. By the way, I don’t read the Bible or go to church; nor do I practice any religion. I don’t need to identify with any sect to reinforce my faith. My affirmation is pure and deep in my heart.

I will say this though. The men I have met the past few days have brought me comfort. They may not be long-lasting relationships, but they fulfill the need for company in the moment. I am not really worried about ghosting or if I ever speak to them again, I think I am starting to embrace the idea of living in the present. After all the present moment of mindfulness is all we really have. On to the next adventure then……

Stay tuned.

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So you’ve been Ghosted…Now What?

I have to say, being ghosted sucks so bad. How bad? Donkey sweaty ball bad. So what is the next move after some douchebag decides that you don’t deserve an explanation?

thinking

If you haven’t come up with anything, I am right there with you sister! (Or brother!). Other than wanting to immediately find this person and shake them to death as to why they are not calling your awesome self, (I know how could they not want to talk to us right?), we must remember calm thoughts and restraint.

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(That illustration above is actually me, by the way, since I have set the standard for “ugly”). But I digress. Remember that you have worth, you are beautiful (says the hypocrite), you are special and worthy of love. Now I know in this modern age people have become so expendable, that all they have to do now is block you everywhere. This includes the dating site, your phone number, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, SnapChat, Whatsapp…….

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It’s fucking exhausting. I have to admit I have been the “ghoster” on more than one occasion. But I am the “Casper” ghost. I leave a message indicating why I am making my exit, THEN block. HEY DON’T JUDGE! At least I let them know why they suck at life! Okay maybe that’s mean. But honestly, in order for me to ghost you, you have to really suck at life. Anyway, what’s the point of this post? Oh just a nonsensical ranting I suppose.

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Yeah, okay maybe that. Again, DON’T JUDGE! I have to admit this post was inspired by my many “ghosting” suitors but really this post : Wild Exploration (A Ghosting Post) I always like to include a nod to fellow bloggers who inspire me. It’s funny in this day and age one would think that all this technology would HELP us not hold us back. I think as humans we are totally de-evolving and we are forgetting that we need each other, we feel for each other, and that people actually HAVE feelings. So, in saying that we have to remember to be extra careful when dating, because next time you feel like this after texting a guy after a week……

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You can instantly feel like this a week later……

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Beware out there ladies and gents! It’s a tough digital world out there!

Stay tuned.

 

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To Empower your Soul, you Have to Know When to Let Go of the “Ghosts”

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In recent days I have been emailing back and forth with a guy who either might be a catfish or straight up liar, I can’t tell the difference. I had a hard time with him, because he refused to chat, or text, or anything. There was radio silence for a couple of days when things took a turn for the worst. He basically dumped me because I was “asking for too much.” I enjoyed our letters and I remarked in my blog how I thought writing letters might be a nice change of pace. I wasn’t really pushy or anything about the situation, yet, he dumped me. I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but when did asking for a little more communication become such a chore? Are people THAT expendable these days?

He gets his jollies off on a Sex Forum site. That should have been the first clue. He logs in and checks on in with his “friends.” Some people like that kind of anonymity and casual fling. I guess my letters were too hard to handle or maintain. It is a discouraging aspect, and I have to say it almost ruined my entire day. I almost didn’t make it to my interview today. Thankfully, I have a friend who is always in my corner looking out for me, so when I called him he talked me in to getting my head right and not worry about some stupid online email guy, who probably gives less than a shit about me.

Why do I let these online men in my heart? Why do I let them get to me? I know my boredom and lack of activity in my life leads me to these kinds of interactions. Where has the joy gone in my life? Where do I find it again? I am addicted to the rush of finding and talking to someone new, I think most people are. But I have this habit of getting too attached and letting my emotions get in the way. This is ONLINE stuff, not real life. The “ghosters” run rampant on chat sites and even dating sites, just waiting to pounce on someone. You know, get the “high” they need by connecting with someone new, get bored and then just straight up “ghost.”

I am done with that. I went to the interview today and landed the job. I need to get my life in order and one of the first steps is to wean myself “offline.” I need to get a life and get it fast. Thirty-seven is around the corner next month, and I am not going to still be doing this crap when I am forty. Fuck that. I need to get my self-respect back. I need to get my strength back. I can’t let these online men take my power from me. I need to stand up myself. I need to stand tall and proud. No more playing the victim. I made some very poor choices in the past and it’s time I come to terms with them. I cut out a lot of people this past year, but I see more on the chopping block over the horizon.

Life waits for no man (or woman).

We will see how it goes.

Stay tuned.

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Missing the “Slow Clock” Pace in the Digital Age

Time passing

Did you ever notice how fast we are going? Everything is instant. Instant movie; Netflix. Instant Food: Grubhub. Instant taxi: Uber. Instant dating: Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble and hundreds of others. Why can’t we slow the hell down people? Where are we going so fast? It’s like the age-old expression, “hurry up and wait.”

I almost ended a budding relationship because of my impatience. I met an articulate craftsman of words on a Sex site, where I wasn’t looking for anything; I just joined because it was way to express my sexual views in a healthy way. As you might have guessed being on this sex site invited many unsolicited requests for cam sex, phone sex and god knows what else. Out of all the nonsense I received a very interesting message from a gentleman under the alias “Kurio” which is the loose interpretation of the Greek word for “Lord,” (thank you google). Anyway, Kurio is a charmer, a delicate fragile being who found me interesting and started a dialog with me through the messaging service of the site. I found him to be equally as interesting and we graduated to an email exchange.

But, unfortunately that’s where it ended. Kurio suffers from anxiety and depression and has had his heart broken many times. He is a lawyer who lives and breathes his work, or so he says. I am not a fool. I know we live in a world of “catfish” and predators so everything he could be telling me could be one gigantic lie. I mean the fact that he a 39 year-old male that is single is already hard to believe, (I am saying this with experience because nearly everyone in my age group is already married with kids). How do I know he is not just playing games with me and my heart? We really know nothing of what each other looks like, except for a few minor details. Our correspondence has been on a very deep level which is really special to me.

So what’s the problem? According to him, his life is in turmoil. Between juggling a demanding career and renovating a living space, he has virtually no time for any other sort of contact. You heard it folks, no Skype, no WhatsApp, no Yahoo, no Google Hangouts, no nothing except for one email a day. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a lost cause and I should just cut it off now before I get my feelings hurt. Believe me, I have thought about it. But then something stops me. Have we become so dependent on instant gratification that we don’t allow anything to blossom anymore? Because we didn’t exchange numbers within a week, he is instantly married and cheating? What have we turned into?

Now, I am not stupid, I know how these things usually go. He may very well be a liar. I could be setting myself up for my next big future heartbreak. But what if, by some slim chance, my romantic penpal  is all I have been waiting for AND more? What happened to the days of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in “You’ve Got Mail?” What happened to the weeks and months people had to wait for a letter from their beloved? I have red flags ringing in my head, but is that all due to the bunch of deceitful bastards that have crossed my path? Like the emotionally closed off pricks such as the Texan who would rather watch a live stream of “Dungeons and Dragons” with his woman “friend” (which he is most likely having sex with too), rather than spend time with me? I am tired of these man-child losers. I want a real man to communicate with, with real feelings and something genuine to say that will value me as a person.

My romance with Kurio won’t be an easy one. But unlike the men that I have made “instant” connections with, he makes me feel special and I look forward to his letters every morning. It may not be much, but in this digital age I don’t think I mind slowing things down to a “Slow Clock” pace.

Did romance die so easily? In an “instant” world, I may have found my Prince Charming, but just at a slower interval.  Either way, only time will tell.

Stay tuned.

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