When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger


So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.


Posted in Bipolar, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

In My Little Bubble of Bliss, I Would Like To Share the Wealth

love writers

There are some moments in life when you just sit back and let out a nice “Ahhhhh” I had a moment like that tonight. Despite all the ugliness going on in the world today, I found a spot in my own universe where I can thankfully say, “Thank God for the People on the Internet!” Haha. Crazy isn’t it?

I have a clear head tonight. Yeah, okay, I am probably knee-deep in a manic episode, because I swear I feel like I am high as a kite. I was wobbly earlier in the day, and I was sick in a fit of confusion, but a couple of hours, (and maybe a few shots of Honey Jack Daniels, yeah okay I cheated), did wonders for my psyche.

I had a magical evening. My night was spent with the Captain, engaging in some wonderful bonding and conversation followed with some naughty fun, which I actually didn’t realize I needed. I had some bouts with some sexual confusion earlier in the day, where certain things were turning me off and I was wondering if I was losing my damn mind. Not only was it SO much fun romping around with the Captain, I felt like a brand new woman. Layers of frustration and angst just melted away, and I couldn’t believe how sexy and alive it all made me feel.

But I am not going to go on and gush about how great everything is, you people got shit to do, and honestly, when people gush about how great everything is, you just want to give them a big can of “Shut the fuck up!!” I know people, I have been on Facebook tonight, and I don’t know about you, but I have had ENOUGH of Tom Brady and the Patriots. We get it, you’re going for your sixth Superbowl ring, you’re fabulous, we know how great you are and how happy all your fans are too. Now kindly, shove it!

Anyhoo, what prompted me to write tonight are the AMAZING people on WordPress that I am getting introduced to, that have some BIG issues to discuss, and damn, they really got some GOOD shit to say, so give them some love and hit them up with a Follow!

I know I don’t usually post other’s blogger’s stuff on my site, because you know, its my blog, and its my crap, but I think some of you guys will really like this. And you KNOW we are all trying to make our own little slice of heaven here on WordPress, by having our followers comment and share our joys, tears and sometimes EPIC trainwrecks.

So I am going to give a little love to a few bloggers, whose stories have made me shed a tear, and even quickened my heartbeat since reading their material.


The Colour Of Madness

Australian Facebook and Twitter feeds were recently overwhelmed by disbelief and heartbreak after the death of Amy Jayne Everett, a young girl affectionately known as “Dolly” and famous for being the cute smiling 6yr old face behind an Akubra Christmas add campaign 8 years ago.

Unknown Dolly Everette – image from news.com

Dolly was relentlessly bullied online, she was only 14 years old and she died by suicide.

I barely survived the depression and suicidal thoughts of my own 90’s childhood, but when I was bullied, at least I could leave the school yard go home and have a break from the incessant torment, a moment to regroup, to breath. Kids today go home, log on to the computer to do their homework or play a game on their phones and are inundated with pop up message notifications from social media sites. Bullies don’t need to wait for the school holidays…Click here to read more

I had the pleasure of actually tearing up reading this post and it moved me in more ways than one. Credit has to be given to Revenge of Eve’s Blog because she originally reblogged the post from her site, and not only have I become so enthralled with this wonderful woman, but I think she has a great future on the blogging platform. What I mean is, I have been blogging for five years, and I don’t think I quite have the “star power” this blogger has. She does funny, interesting and moving posts that make you think. It’s like one of those wonderful things in life where you think, “damn this person was made for this shit.”

Anyway, as I reviewed some of the other blogs on my feed, I had to take this opportunity to share this wonderful piece, written by an amazing writer, (who I have come to know as jaw-dropping/sex-kitten/bad-ass bitch). Since I am sharing and giving love to what inspired me to write this piece tonight, I think this chica needs to not only gain more followers, but needs to write a damn book! I swear when reading her material, it was like living my dream of actually sitting down and picking up a newspaper and reading one of Carrie Bradshaw’s Sex and the City articles. Better yet, if this lovely lady gets a book deal, I think I would buy it for sure!


Anyway, it starts here, but it gets SO fucking good that I have been at the edge of my seat waiting for her future posts.


But, She Was Fierce’s Blog

I met Chris* on the weekend for the first time. A 40-something man I’d been speaking with for about a week on Plenty of Fish.

We met for brunch and the attraction was instant. We hugged a greeting that felt like I’d known him my whole life. The conversation flowed freely, effortlessly, about my past, his past, his marriage breakdown and mine, his two* kids, his career*. I’d never felt so connected to someone so quickly. It was one of the most intense first dates I’ve ever had.

After brunch, we wandered out of the café and I asked what he wanted to do. Without missing a beat, he said that he wanted to eat my pussy. I took his hand and walked him around the corner to my building and we took the lift to my apartment.

I’d like to say I remember our first kiss, the feel of his lips pressed into mine, the graze of the fine stubble on his chin, the softness of his tongue caressing my own. But I don’t remember any of that because within seconds of getting my jeans off, he had two fingers inside me and just moments later he made me…..Click here to read how saucy this gets!

Oh, but it gets better:

Last night was my third date with Chris*. He delights me in a million ways. Intelligent and witty, funny and gentlemanly, dirty and considerate. But there’s something off. Something he’s not telling me. He tried to explain that it’s because he had some recent bad dating experiences where the women turned up unannounced at his workplace and his children’s school. I understand to an extent but there’s something not quite right. There’s nothing that if he asked I wouldn’t tell him. He won’t even tell me his surname, giving me only “Smith”.

It’s such a small, insignificant thing but it speaks volumes for how he sees me and it bugs me like a mosquito near your ear at night. Without it, I can’t google him, ensure he’s not an axe-murderer or see his professional history. How to explain that it’s just my way of wanting to know him better.

He told me late in the night, after we had spent hours fucking in the bath, the shower, on the bed, that there was something he wanted to tell me. But not yet. A lump crept into my throat, that uneasiness of something not being right, and it hasn’t really left……Oh, I know we all have been there, Click here to read more!

And one more to delight the senses:

We nicknamed it Terrible Tuesday although the fact that “we” nicknamed anything already reveals there’s more to this story. If I’d been smart, there would never have been a “we” after such a day.

He was on his way to the snow and decided to crash at my place and get up early to drive the rest of the way. It’d been two weeks since we first met, two incredible weeks. Three amazing dates and sessions of sex and conversation and connection. I hadn’t felt so happy or connected to someone in a very long time. The similarities between us surprised me every day. We thought alike, shared a sense of humour, felt the same way about sex.

On Terrible Tuesday, he arrived at my place about 7 and we had dinner together. After dinner, in my ensuite, we stepped into the shower where we felt so comfortable together. We started doodling on the fogged-up screen as had become something of a thing between us……Ok, I am going to ruin it because its my blog, but it goes totally south for my wonderful heroine here. This guy exposes himself to be King of All Liars in what is a total “Mr. Big” Moment..But Click here to find out the rest

I am so stuck on her story, there were actual heart stopping moments there!

Anyway, I know this has been a shameful advertisement on other blogger’s posts, but I think I owe it to these wonderful women for making my night as amazing as it was.

(Although that powerful orgasm I had sure helped too, hehe).

To all you wonderful bloggers out there, I LOVE your writing, so PLEASE keep blogging your hearts away. I often find myself a bit sad and lost sometimes, but coming to WordPress always ends up lifting my spirits.

As always, my crazy manic ass stayed up WAY too late again.

Shit, I hope I don’t miss my therapy appointment tomorrow. Yikes!

Stay tuned.



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It’s Seems Like Writer’s Block, But…..


I think many WordPress bloggers are great writers. I have come to love reading all their stories, commenting, following, and sharing their joys, tears and fears. But for myself, as a person who loves writing, I feel stuck. I had many things to do today. I wanted to start the story I have been itching to write for sometime, I wanted to respond to my friend’s letter although he’s becoming a bit weird and pervy, (more on that in a bit), but I found myself frozen at my computer screen.

I woke up late today. I was kind of manic last night, and stood up later than I should. I felt accomplished, so I decided to treat myself a little, even though I was fighting the drowsiness of my meds to stay up. I had gone through a lot yesterday, and I think my mind was trying to compute the whole thing.

I don’t know if it’s through the Grace of God or not that I managed to get up to take my Civil Service test early yesterday morning, but it felt like such an achievement. Me getting up at 7am with zombie-like inducing drugs raging through my system? Definite miracle for sure. But not only did I make it to the test, I stayed 4 hours to finish it, which is another humongous achievement because a lot of people got up and left within the first hour. I can’t say that I blame them for giving up, the test was SUPER difficult,  because it included  some advanced reading comprehension. It felt like 1996 again when I was taking an English Regents Exam. Even though it was basic common sense for most of the questions, if you, or the average person these days, are used to sitting at home scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, PinInterest, and Instagram, you would have failed miserably at this test. It made me wonder about how we have lost our ability to really read and comprehend things, as a whole, and as a society. But, I digress, I completed the test and felt good the rest of the day.

I made it home, and still wasn’t able to sit down and start writing my story. I had promised my collaborator that I would start it, since he didn’t want to, (already a disappointment because the idea for the story was basically his), but I am just thankful that I found someone who wasn’t a complete pervert to write with. I ended up being totally stuck and couldn’t get myself to sit down and even make an outline of what I wanted to write.

So I stepped away from the computer and watched “The Shack” with The Captain, and essentially cried my eyes out for the next two hours. I don’t know if it was that part of me that connected deeply with my spirituality, but that movie was so damn moving, that you would have to be heartless to not at least shed a tear.

Having found my release, I thought maybe I could begin writing, again. Still no dice. Which brings me to this moment. How come I can’t write? And why do I suddenly feel disgusting on top of everything else? It’s weird actually and I don’t know if anyone can relate, but, can someone be asexual and completely slutty at the same time? I feel like I am caught in this epic duality. I got my rocks off earlier, by shamefully showing my boobs to some random man as he talked dirty, had an earth-shaking orgasm, and then when I went to read my friend’s letter that sounded somewhat pervy, I ended up getting completely turned off. Why is it that I am not willing to engage in some kind of kinky talk, or even kinky writing, but it is acceptable to me to get off with some random disgusting freak online?  Mind boggling to say the least.

I know you’re probably wondering what the point of this whole post is, and I apologize for me being all over the place, where this is ending up sounding like perpetual word vomit. But I am so lost and confused at what is going on in my head.

I don’t even know that being bipolar is even the cause of this. I mean, I was definitely manic last night, since I was dead tired and my brain was going a thousand miles an hour. But this sexual confusion, procrastinating and sudden writer’s block, is really starting to concern me.

I was literally sitting, staring at the screen, watching the cursor just blink right at me, thinking, “Fuck, I can’t do this.”

So I came here, hoping to make some sense of all of it, by getting it all out, but somehow I am now more confused than ever. There are multiple things going on, and I can’t pinpoint the problem. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow, it almost feels like it is fate that I have that appointment.

Sorry for the inconsistent rambling on this post, I can’t tell you enough how incredibly messed up I feel right now. Drinking some whiskey probably wasn’t a good idea either, but then again, when is it ever? Confusing bipolar manifestations never cease to amaze me.

Stay tuned.

(Note: This has been the hardest post I have ever written. My thoughts are completed discombobulated and unfocused. It is a miracle if it even makes sense to anyone reading).

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Insomnia and Dating, with a Dash of Crazy Sexiness


So, anyone else out there struggle their butts off with sleep? Trust me, I know the issue is that I can’t get off the damn computer. For many people, their sleep enemy is the phone. How many times do you look at your phone before bed? Do you sleep with your phone near you? Stop doing that! Put the phone away in a drawer somewhere, on silent, completely out of reach, so you can get a goodnight’s rest. I know a bunch of you are thinking, what if there is an emergency? Honey, if you’re not an Emergency Room doctor, you’re not that important. “What if my kids are in trouble?” You have a house phone don’t you? I would hope some parents still have one, other than their cell phone. BUT I have gone off on a tangent, so let’s get back to the subject at hand.

I have TERRIBLE insomnia. It’s like a monster that refuses to go away. I know the reasons for it though, I am a total internet addict and I love interacting with people online. For others I know, their video games are their LIFE, so getting to sleep can be challenging for them as well. Anyway, I have pushed myself to get up a bit earlier each day, taking my bipolar medication at least two full hours before I attempt to sleep. I have also added some Melatonin on TOP of that, which has turned out to be a horrible idea because I NEED it now to sleep. Let’s not forget those shots of Honey Jack Daniels I have been indulging in here and there, which I know doesn’t mix well with antipsychotics. But I am not going to beat myself up too much over it, because I already beat myself up about almost everything else.

Today, I managed to force myself awake. As I stumbled out of bed at 11:30am (which is still pretty late, but it beats the hell out of waking up at 5pm), I glued myself to the computer screen. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet because my bathroom was being held hostage by my Dad, (how the hell does he take an hour to shower, when my dainty feminine self takes 20 minutes or less?) But I realized, maybe I can use my internet addiction to my advantage. Instead of crawling back under the covers, (God they look so irresistible when you are dead tired), I got my brain going by looking at all the internet intake. There is so much digital word vomit out there, (Click Here! Click There!), this article, that article, and countless crap regurgitated all over Facebook. How many times can you watch that cat fall off a chair? But I noticed that by engaging my brain in this way, I was no longer tired. Also the orgasm I had helped, (showing my tits to some random guy on an adult site which ended up crashing so I had to settle for empty porn), #EpicFail. So the strategy seems to be to get the brain going! I truly believe that if I got my fat ass up and started exercising, or doing some kind of physical activity, it would have been a better jumpstart, but I am old and lazy, (don’t judge me, #oldpeopleproblems).

Dating? A whole other unholy mess. Things are good with The Captain, so what the hell do I think I am doing? Who knows. I think I need that extra flavor. Look, I truly believe that people like to have a “nest” in place while they troll all over the place looking for booty, (men AND women, don’t kid yourselves ladies you know you do it too). I am not looking for booty per-se, maybe just some flirty fun. I did spark a little with a cutie pie from Australia, named Milo. He was fun to flirt with in the chatroom, but when we went to Skype, my fascination with him fizzled. I had purposely got rid of all my messanger apps, in an attempt to alleviate myself from all ties and bonds to men, (on and off the internet). I like being a free agent. When an old flame contacted me on Facebook, (after 6 years!! WTF??), and was like “call me,” I was like “no thanks.” Another guy messaged me on a dating website I visit here and there too, and I haven’t written him back yet. I am not even sure if I will. And don’t judge, I hadn’t logged on there in a while, he just sent me a “smile” on there (equivalent to the wink), and I MAY have logged in and “smiled” back. Okay, judge me, maybe I shouldn’t have smiled back. Bitches like me who are not really looking, but kinda looking, INFURIATE men who are actually looking. I get it, so go ahead, throw a tomato at me.

What’s the point, you think? I think I like the rush of the initial tease and attraction, but not in a sleazy way. I had a guy hit me up with the username “IntelligentArticulateConfident” — total friggin’ eye roll and overuse of a selling point. He admitted to having a girlfriend and that he likes looking for side booty. Good for him, I will be over here looking the other way. I am total hypocrite because I have the Captain and I am essentially doing the same thing. However, I am not blatantly looking for booty, just something to spice up my psyche.

Yes, I do realize I am a whole plethora of crazy, and I fully admit it. Can I blame being bipolar for this? No, I don’t think I am going to be an asshole and do that, because there are people out there really struggling with their bipolar. I do, however, feel that my manic tendencies are flaring up, that’s why I can’t settle with one man in my life right now. (I actually don’t have just one man, I have my best friend too). Soooooo….with technically TWO men, I don’t seem to be satisfied. Crazy much? Yeah, totally. Oh well, “que cera cera” and long live the “Holy Fonz.”

Time to get my butt in gear and start on that roleplay I have been bitching to find someone to write with for ages. I have a nice wholesome collaborator now, (which I will probably corrupt, so my hypocrisy is now running rampant).

Hope I don’t “accidentally” click on a cat video, when I am supposed to be writing.

Stay tuned.

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Evolution. As Times Change, We Change With the Times.

times changhe

So we have come to a point in time where the world is in constant flux. In your day to day life, do you feel that times are changing? Maybe even rapidly? The argument can be made that times have ALWAYS been changing, but I think the last two years have proven to be somewhat dramatic when it comes to change, in the world and in my life personally.

I haven’t written in a while, and that’s because I feel like I have no time. I am battling terrible insomnia and a crazy sleep schedule which makes me terrified about my upcoming Civil Service Test that I have to take at 9am on Saturday morning. How in the hell am I going to get up for that? I drug myself so much to get to sleep, and then lie in bed wide awake. Hours just pass and pass, and then I FINALLY get to sleep by the time the sun comes up, which in turn I end up waking up well past 5pm. It beyond sucks.

I missed taking my mom to her doctor’s appointment, and even though she has been doing well since the scare she gave the family a month ago, she has both an abnormal result in her pap smear, and a lump on her breast that needs to be checked out. This SCREAMS cancer to me, and after all we have been through, I really don’t think I can take her really getting sick right now, but all signs are pointing to that.

The new house renovation is coming along slowly, but with this goddamn sleep pattern of mine, I am unable to wake up in time to help my father out at the house. This just leaves my fragile mother to help him, which makes me feel so guilty that I kick myself every time I wake up in the evening, and the whole day has gone by.

I have a sickness. I have an addiction and oh, its no good. My mania has been calm, but my bipolar mind is far from at rest. I bought a bottle of Honey Jack Daniels last week, and have been slowly taking sips and shots in the late evening. It feels like a slippery slope, and to be honest, this week has been totally shitty with tons of bad luck. I don’t want to run to alcohol again, but the urge to put the liquor to my lips has been very strong. The sickness that I have is an internet addiction though, when it really comes down to it.

After a nice long chat with my best friend watching Mad Men, (which is so awesome, love me some Don Draper), and spending time with my Star Trek buddies and the Captain, it suddenly becomes 1am. After that, it’s an empty porn session, followed by opening a browser and getting lost on the internet for countless hours. It is absolutely appalling what I am doing to myself, and I can scream all I want about how I want to get to bed on time, but I never do. And when I do, and I force myself in bed at 2am, my eyes are wide open till 7am anyway, so I might as well be at my computer. It feels like I am losing a battle that seems bottomless, with no end in sight.

I did however, stand up for myself the other night. I have been peeking in the chats lately, and The Literary seems to have found me again. He is a notorious ghoster, and I think I let him know I had enough. I gave him my email during our last chat, he never emailed, and I shrugged it off. He found me in the chat a few days later, and expected me to be the same ole desperate woman he was used to playing this ridiculous game with, but I wasn’t having it. I said my goodbyes, that was it, and I felt very empowered. That ghosting shit has been literally “haunting” me for years, and not just from him, but from most men in general.

On a brighter note, I have been exchanging emails with an old friend named Kurio, I met on a Sex Forum of all places, sometime last year. Although I have quite the sexual appetite, I think it has to be done with class, finesse and style; not “hey baby, check this out,” and then BOOM! Dick pic. Anyway, Kurio is a fantastic writer, and I love the work he has done on Literotica, which is a fantastic site if you are a lover of erotic literature. He and I exchanged many emails, and we even got hot and heavy, but I was in a desperate place when I knew him. He didn’t want to go beyond an email exchange to other platforms, (Skype, KIK, WhatsApp), and I pushed really hard, but he wasn’t budging, so our emails dwindled into a sad goodbye. Months went by, then over Christmas, he reached out and wished me a merry one, and we went forward from there and have been in contact ever since.

The guy I met on Reddit though? He vanished. Apparently he didn’t like my opinions on the weather. (I asked him if we should ask Al Gore what he thought of the recent cold weather, you know, when he’s not flying around in his HUGE jet and driving around in all his SUVs). I don’t think he liked that at all. I know people who are Liberal and believe in Climate Change think that they are open-minded, but honestly, if you can’t take a joke, (which states the fuckin’ truth), you’re a goddamn idiot.

Anyway, in other news, my quest for a writing partner finally came to a successful ending as I found one on a PG roleplaying site. I think going to Adult Roleplaying sites is where I was getting the most frustrated. I know it is stupid to think I could find a writer who wanted a story with minimal sex on an Adult Roleplaying site, but I wanted to try anyway. I was avoiding the PG site, because there are nothing but kids there and I really wanted a mature writer, but I quickly found out that kids weren’t the issue. I had a TON of competition because there were TONS of women on there. Apparently, this is where all the women roleplayers went to hide to find a partner; I am sure the amount of creeps posing as writers on those other sites is what drove them there.

I did find my collaborator though, and to my dismay, he is very young. I am guessing mid 20s, but he didn’t disclose his age because he was afraid I would judge him, based on me stating my age and my search for a mature writer. I can’t say that I blame him, because when I went through countless request threads, I purposely skipped over anyone under 30, which ended up being 90% of the site. His request thread was witty and funny, and didn’t have his age on it, so I sent him a message. I know if his age was there I would have skipped it, and if he told me his age in his response message, I definitely would have skipped it. But his sharp wit and humor reeled me in, and we are going to begin our adventure soon, as soon as we knock out some details.

So all in all, things are good, even though I am totally messed up over this sleeping schedule, my bipolar manic mind, and of course my addictions; to the internet, (totally out of control), and alcohol, (which is slowly getting worse). I need to find balance, and I need to find it soon. i don’t want to be on disability forever, so I need to make sure I wake up to take this Civil Service Test, and get my life going.

Insomnia is the worst thing ever, and compounded with bipolar it seems beyond fixable. I know I can do it though. I have evolved so much in the past two years, as well as the rest of the world. If Trump can be president, Oprah may run, and Hollywood Powerhouses can be taken down, (thanks #MeToo), anything is possible.

Oh by the way, did anyone see the new Catfish episode that aired last night? I think it was the weirdest one I had ever seen! Not only was the girl looking for the Catfish TOTALLY unstable, but she tried to hide her kid from the guy she was talking to online. WORST MOTHER EVER!! And at the end in the recap she was taking online classes to become a Surgeon? I don’t know, I think I may not be the only one who needs her crazy pills tonight.

Stay tuned.


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How to Rebuild Your Life, After You’ve Lost the Cosmic Connection

cosmic connection

There comes a moment in time when life slows down. You have always been running around from moment to moment, and suddenly when things settle, you realize years have passed and you have nothing to show for it. I had such a realization this evening, as I just sat and just stared into space while my car was running.

14 years have passed since I actually had a full-time job and somewhat of a career. At a young age, I was driven, determined, and oh so ambitious. I attribute a lot of my success to my mania, (the euphoric state of my bipolar illness). My mania got me through a lot; it helped push me and gave me interstellar confidence.  However the fallout of mania is the Catch 22. There is no real way to harness mania, and use it for all it’s good qualities. Once you go down that path of psychedelic bliss, there is no turning back, and you end up either in a psych ward, jail, or someone’s bed you had no business being in. You also end up with a mountain of debt, because while in a manic state of mind, you end up spending money like you’re a Rockstar.

As I sat in my car this evening, I realized that I will be two years closer to 40 this year. I was frozen in fear, with my hands on the steering wheel, and the tears started flowing. It was at that moment I said a silent prayer, trying to connect to that place which is so lost to me now. My mania is completely gone, and I am having a really hard time adjusting to that. When I was at my psychiatrist appointment today, it dawned on me that I had no complaints to report; I am stable and functioning properly, and it fucking sucks. People with bipolar go through so much, and they look to mountains of medication to fix the problem, (I know because I have), but what happens when they actually work? So many people would argue, that its great and I shouldn’t complain about it, but I feel like I have lost an entire part of myself.

My mania was my drive. Yeah, it drove me nuts and I made bad decisions, but the complete absence of it makes me feel like I have lost my cosmic connection. Doctors would argue that my spiritual and universal experiences were all in my head, but nothing, not even an orgasm, can compare to what it’s like to have the epiphanies you have when you are manic. You don’t even notice it, but suddenly everything connects and things make sense that never did before.

The bottom line is, I am a fully functional bipolar survivor that’s ready to rejoin society, and it totally sucks. I will become a drone, work a 9 to 5 to retirement, and eventually be just another plot at a cemetery. All my magnificent experiences are gone. I feel like my soul has been taken from me. I don’t even have a husband or kids to leave my legacy too.

As I sat in my car I thought about those all those years. Those years in which I chased all those men, spent money I didn’t have, and basically wasted most of my existence on a bipolar rollercoaster. A lot doesn’t matter now. A lot of things that used to drive me seem infinitesimal. Being a human being used to be such a wondrous thing to me. The magnificence of my brilliant, inspirational mind seems dulled, and beaten down by medication.

The mania, which had been my exquisite poison, is now absent, and has left a hole in my marvelous brain. I wanted to start the endeavor of writing again, because I think through my words I can capture what is lost, and express myself though the magic of literature. Though my words I can find my voice and enrich the part of my soul that I feel has been taken from me.

I will find myself again through connections too. As I sat in my car, I fished out an old friend’s telephone number my therapist had passed on to me. I met her 11 years ago, when I first moved to Long Island and was hospitalized because of a manic episode. We had reconnected here and there over the years, and we even attempted college at the same time. But much like me, her mania took her so many places, and she ended up disappearing for long periods of time. She’s back now, and I am going to try to meet up with her for coffee next week.

Without the keys to the universe, I am just an ordinary human being in the world. My mania was a gift while it lasted, and I experienced things way beyond mortal understanding. Now that it’s gone, I have to live the rest of my life just like everyone else.

I guess that’s not such a bad thing right?

Life on life’s terms, and all part of a new beginning.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, God | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

And The Search Goes On…Painfully It Seems



It seems almost endless, and I am just going to come out and say it, I feel like I am wading in a bunch of penis soup. That is so gross, but that’s what it feels like. What is your heart’s desire? Are you on WordPress because you are a writer too? I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with writing over the years, and God knows I have blogged about some real nonsense in my time. But nothing has prepared me for the nonsense out in the interweb I am facing.

I had therapy today, and it was good to put into focus some of my goals. I am terrified of starting work again, because I have no idea when this Bipolar Hell I live with will surface and destroy every thing I have worked for. I have used up my trial-work months, in which they give you a handful of time to try your hand at working again. Suffice to say, I tried and failed 5 years ago. Am I going to be a repeat offender? I have no idea, but I know I am getting older and times have to change.

However, the more important goal is finding a writing partner. That has been my heart’s desire for quite some time, and I have repeated this story over and over the past few years.  I honestly feel like banging my head against a wall. I want to write a story with someone who makes my heart race, my senses tingle, and my blood boil. I never thought in a million years it would be next to impossible. The guy I messaged about the “Rogue One” story got back to me, and I don’t know, I was immediately turned off. I had called him “My Savior” because he seemed to have everything I was looking for, and he ruined it by saying, “You should call me your savior more often, you will get more points for that.” Yeah, jerkoff, I gave you a big compliment and you are going to not only milk it, but put me on a grading point system. Eyeroll, and Epic Fail.

It gets worse because even though I specifically said I didn’t want to deal with sleazy smut and porn, he went there anyway. He initially said he liked the “slow burn” and wanted to let it develop in the story, but somehow that led to “I like breastplay so I am going to want to put that in, along with really tight shirts with the heat too hot or too cold for the right amount of nipple exposure.” Yeah. Great. Just fucking great. I do realize I am on an Adult Roleplaying Site, but Jesus H. Christ, can I talk to a decent human being for once? A man who knows class and language and can write tastefully? Why are these damn sites being bombarded with these Millennial Neanderthals? I don’t even want to know what it’s like on dating sites. How do people do this and not throw a brick at their computer or phone?

I don’t know. I am totally “triggered,” it seems. I am frustrated and I am tired. On a good note, I have been communicating with a nice gentleman on Reddit (the blackhole of the internet), and an old friend I met a long time ago on a forum. I have been giving my “writing legs” some work, but I am dying, craving, praying, for someone to write a story with. Maybe I am too picky, who knows. I just think that because this is the internet, people truly believe that they don’t have to respect other people, and think before they type a message to another human being, especially a woman.

Well, time to try my luck again.

The hunt continues.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Pull up a Chair and Let’s Talk About Something No One Talks About


So we have all agreed that 2017 was some year right? And even though Oprah killed it at the Golden Globes this year, and inspired so many with her speech, it raised questions in me. I fully understand the #MeToo and the #TimesUp movement and how it is empowering to women to have their voices heard, but something is just not sitting right with me. When did it become okay to ruin someone’s life and career based on an accusation that hasn’t been proven in court? I don’t think anyone really talks about that, wants to talk about it, or the fact that the Great Oprah is, or now was, a big supporter of Harvey Weinstein before all that ugliness came out.

Look I am not going to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but I feel like even though many people are being praised for speaking out, there are so many people who are still shamed for their opinions. Why is it that people that lean-to the right in this country, feel the need to hide? I know I do, and I also know that I may lose followers because I voted for Donald Trump. Why is that?

You may want to ask yourself, why would a bipolar mess, living on disability, with a struggling economic family, AND Muslim background, vote for him? At the time, I saw it as a fresh change, a man with a voice, and someone who wouldn’t answer to lobbyists. But now, I am not ashamed to admit, that even though the Stock Market closed at its highest the past couple of weeks, and the economy is booming, I believe The President of the United States needs to stay the fuck off Twitter. My best friend disagrees with me, and says he is not going through political filters and addressing the people straight from the horses’ mouth, but goddamn, I think he is making a total ass of himself. And the fact that his mental illness is being evaluated, raises some more questions in me.

If suddenly, after a powerful speech, #Oprah2020 is trending on Twitter, and people are calling for her to run for President in 2020, why is it so horrible to people that Donald Trump may be suffering from some sort of mental illness? Are mentally ill people lepers, incapable of holding a powerful position? Is that what you’re saying America?

Even though I feel The President is making an ass of himself, I think it’s because it’s what the manic mind does. It’s no excuse, and that behavior should be reigned in, but to be honest, mania makes you feel like you can take on the world. I have to say, I owe a lot to my mania for making me successful, and I think that’s where he stands. The only difference between him and a person like me, is a doctor caught me with a net, and no one caught him yet.

But politics isn’t what disturbs me about the way things are nowadays. What disturbs me, is how only one side is being praised and congratulated. Everyone is standing Tall and Proud, patting themselves on the back for speaking about injustice, when there are so many GOOD people out there getting their lives ruined, because someone accused them of something. And as much as I always have ADORED Oprah and all her selflessness, I feel off about the whole thing. The same applies to how off I feel about The President’s tweets.

I just feel like a vast majority is being silenced in the wake of all the “bravery” coming forward these days. People forget that the “silent” majority is why Trump won the election. People forget that anyone who has a Muslim background got their shops bricked and destroyed right after 9/11, and I speak from experience.

I guess it’s the human condition is that people will always hear what they want to hear, and when things get uncomfortable or ugly they look the other way. Hollywood always looked away for years when these women were getting abused, INCLUDING Oprah. And to be fully honest, Trump does seem like a predator too, but Bill Clinton shamelessly was the predator for years, and was always praised.

It comes down to what you believe, and what you want to stand up for.

I don’t feel right about the whole thing though, and I don’t know if I ever will, or if things will change anytime soon.

So ironic, especially since so many think that times have changed, when for most of us, it really hasn’t.

Just something to think about.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments