When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

sunrise

So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.

 

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The Waves of Emotion Can Cripple a Human Soul

despair

What does it feel like to want to die? You hear about suicides, even done by the most famous people like Robin Williams and Heath Ledger and you think why? How could they? I mean they have everything right? Is it possible to have everything and still feel death looming in your heart?

I felt a shockwave tonight. Nothing like I have felt in a long time. I was naked, exposed, my secrets out there for the world to see. I won’t go into details, but my sins finally caught up with me. I felt like a demon in God’s eyes, and as the numbness took me over, so did my faith. Then the tears came. Overwhelming sadness like I never felt. I put my best friend and the Captain through hell tonight, and I thought to myself, what would be the big deal if I died tonight? Who would miss me?

It’s funny when people try to understand mental illness. They think “oh you’re just sad” or “oh they just want attention.” I get it. There are people out there who are those things, and they are people who can’t handle the waves of emotions that can cripple a human soul. What I mean is, to feel ultimate sadness, to feel a loss of empathy and respect for yourself, is unlike anything a “normal” person would feel. Battling your mind is the fight of your life, the negative thoughts just pour in like a wave and as the tears come, you are powerless to stop it.

I feel alone in my battle. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in someone’s arms and cry away my sorrow. But why was I in such sorrow? What causes the mind to shift in such a way where you feel like the world would be better off without you? There is deep pain in my heart. Pain that I have buried. I hide in a secret world of sin, with my porn, my men, my aliases, that I think to myself, why would God care about a worthless slag like me? If I ended it, who would give a fuck anyway? I will finally be rid of this Bipolar Hell and it will be all over. Why fight? Why live?

Because in the dark and gray, there can be color. I was reminded of that today. I told the Captain that I wished he never met me that way I could die in peace and crawl away. He told me he would die of a broken heart if I did and all that did was just make me cry more. I wondered about my family and if they would be okay. After they mourned they would be alright, life would go on. Is there anything left for me to do in this world? Big questions. Not enough answers. I am alone tonight, or so I thought. I feel like God has abandoned me because I am so wicked in his eyes. I feel like if  I disappear, it wouldn’t really matter, another day will pass and I will just be another grave in a cemetery.

It can’t be that simple. I have been asking myself some big questions because I have the time to. I have the luxury most people don’t. I battle with an illness that sends me in states of utter despair or dangerous euphoria. I am at my end of a totem pole, and really contemplated ending my life. It was a wave of emotion of utter panic and chaos. It’s what makes people swallow all the pills and alcohol, it what’s makes people jump off the chair and hang by the rope. All it takes is that utter surrender, that exquisite ecstasy of peace you hope to have by ending the suffering in your heart. What goes through the mind of someone who is suicidal? An end to the madness. The overwhelming pain that is so heart wrenching that this life can no longer bring you anything anymore, that this is it.

With the pills numbing my emotion, I haven’t heard God’s Voice. I repeat myself time and time again in my posts because I can FEEL the pain, but I can’t feel the love and joy. It escapes me. There is so much love and joy in the world. There is so much in life to experience. I remember there was a time in my life where I felt like conquering it, that I couldn’t wait to get out and experience it. Now I am in a cage. “To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.” Such a statement ripples through my being every time I get up in the morning, or my case midday.

I go nowhere and I do nothing. I spend my days watching TV and on the internet. I have no hobbies or interests. Is that living? If I die now, what is it that I would be missing? I am ungrateful. I have my needs met, and I still can’t get it together. The human condition is that we must always remain in motion. Learning, exploring, becoming something better than ourselves and creating a life with another so we can pass on what we have learned to our children. I am 37 years old with no signs of marriage or children in my future. If I die, it will release the greatest burden on my family so they will no longer feel the guilt of taking care of me out of pity. My fear keeps me here, locked in this cage. The bipolar rages on through me, and no pill can make it go away. I can go to the doctor and say “I am in pain and I need help” What will he do? Write several things on a prescription pad and drug me up so much that I will be an automaton vegetable and will no longer feel human. What a life this is. Logically, death is the healthiest option because I am useless in every other aspect of this life. What a sad thought, one which I am starting to accept and cope with. Such a realization is a dagger in the heart, and as it twists in my chest, my soul aches in pain.

Am I alone? Can God hear me in my darkest hour? I offer you this poem the Captain gave me, to remind me that even in despair, retribution can still be found:

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”

If He can find me, he can find you. Maybe we will never understand what leads someone to suicide. But we sure know what it feels like to be driven there. If I can find hope, even in my mundane life where I have no movement, you can live too.

You are never alone.

Stay tuned.

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Breaking New Ground and Moving On

moving forward

The past few days have been hard. With my mom’s health in jeopardy and my horrible mood swings, I have come to a conclusion. Some people care about you more than others do. Not a new concept, but it’s something I have come to terms with. My friend never reached out to me, (I know he reads my blog), to give me comfort with all I was going through with my mom. I realize he has his own issues, but I think it’s like a dagger in the heart. I was kind of calling out to the universe for love and support, and there was nothing but silence.

I had mentioned it many times before that I was going to walk away from friends that weren’t there for me. I think it’s time I really stick by that. Everyone has trials and tribulations. People have very busy lives, and some people suffer with mental illness and it stops them from reaching out. It’s a hard thing to make friends when you are in a state where you can’t reach out. Sometimes you sink into a real low depression where you can’t get out of it. I understand and I empathize when people go through that, but I am not going to be ignored when I need someone. I had a friend who lived nearby who now avoids me every time she sees me at the clinic, all because she was a shitty friend to me who always broke plans. It’s hard nowadays. People tend to flake on their friends all the time it seems, and it’s almost become the new “norm.”  The best thing to do in those situations is to mend your broken heart and move on.

It’s been six days since I have heard from my friend. We used to speak all the time and supported each other when we needed each other. He was a wonderful ear to cry on and he knew me better than even my best friend. I wonder how he is and if he is struggling, most likely he is that’s why he hasn’t reached out to me. I feel selfish in a way because I never thought I would actually walk away from him, and I had tried to walk away before but always went back. I think it’s time I did it though. It’s time to close that chapter in my life. It’s a huge loss for me because we were going to work on a book together on bipolar one and two, and it would have been a great opportunity, but it’s not meant to be. He was also someone I considered like a brother, like close family, so it really hits home.

How does it feel to be abandoned? I am sure the Quiet Man is feeling like that since I walked away. I am sure Azure and the Astronomer feel that way too. I am not innocent in all of this. I have turned my back on almost everyone I have met over the past two years. I am breaking new ground, not looking back at all the back and forth that used to go on. Not looking back at all the days that go by and you wonder to yourself if you were discarded. Nothing stops me from reaching out to them, but after a while, I got tired of reaching out. I got tired of being the one to always extend the olive branch, while they went on with their lives.

My mom got the help she needed today. I had finally given up hope and I broke down and hid from the world and let the bipolar take me over. My dad stepped up and took my mom to the hospital this time, because I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I feel guilty about that because I know she needed me, but I can do only so much when I am struggling myself. Today was the day I realized that it’s time to let go. I wasn’t going to hang around and wonder to myself anymore. Aren’t you tired of being ghosted by people you care about? When does it end? When do your needs matter in friendships? Why are you always the one reaching out? I am not bitter, just sad. I am SO unbelievably thankful to everyone that has crossed my path and made such a difference in my life. I wish things were different. Looks like I don’t have a reason to visit the UK anymore. It’s a shame, I had made some wonderful connections there.

But, it’s time to move on. I feel nostalgic thinking of all the wonderful friends that I have had in my life. But sometimes, it’s better to cut those ties and not look back.

So that’s what I am going to do.

I am breaking new ground and moving on.

It’s scary as hell, but I am doing it.

Stay tuned.

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Writing to Bring Myself Some Peace

peace writing

I have been blogging a lot lately, and I think it’s beneficial because it helps me release the pain that I feel. Why do you write or blog? I am always fascinated why people write their feelings down and express themselves because it is one of the most therapeutic ways to deal with your pain.

I need some peace tonight. Today was a VERY hard day. I was awoken by a panicked knock at my door by my mom, “Please, I am dying, you have to take me to the Emergency Room.” My first instinct, (like all concerned children would do), was to get on my clothes, get in my car and take her to the ER and be by her side, like I did twice before in the past month. But something was off. She was completely irrational. She was having the most severe and anxious panic attack and was not thinking clearly. She kept checking her blood pressure and saying that she had no pulse. She was dizzy and disoriented and felt weak like she was going to faint. I wanted to take her, but something in my mind told me that they would not find anything wrong like they did the other two times we went.

You see, she has a stomach infection or some kind of virus/bacteria being caused by all the acid buildup in there. The doctor she went to for treatment is an epic fail. He gave her THREE strong pills for the infection and some Trazedone, which is for treating psychotics. The man is a quack and completely reckless. He wants to do everything in HIS office so he collects all the money. My mother needs a specialist, a gastroenterologist, someone who can see clearly what this is and treat it. What that idiot NEEDED to do was give her a referral to a specialist, (which means he loses money), and not guess and ponder what is the best treatment. The pills he gave her are powerful and are making her ill, not helping her.

I am a wreck. The bipolar is in high gear. My emotions are all over the place, filled with worry and concern and with some anger against this horrible general practitioner she went to. As she was filled with panic and worry, I prayed. I prayed for God to help her and me. I didn’t want to spend another 8 hours in the Emergency Room for them to tell her to go home. I feel like I should have taken her there, but with the way she was acting, my fear is that they wouldn’t treat her, they would lock her up in the Psych Ward.

I know my bipolar is hereditary, and I know it comes from my mom and grandma. My grandma passed away but was totally off the charts psychotic before she died. My father has tendencies too, especially with all his anger and alcoholism.

I have never been more scared. I literally shut down and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to the Captain, even though he finally broke through my wall and comforted me when I tried to push him away.

My symptoms are high. I feel a knot in my stomach. I thought I had this bipolar beat, but I can’t seem to handle it with crisis. I just sat there frozen as my mother had a total breakdown in front of me, and I was trying everything in my power to stay calm in my own head and not add to her hysteria. I just let her vent, I was a comforting ear, and I called my Dad for help. What am I going to do when my Dad passes away? I know my mom is going to be my responsibility because I have no intention of putting her in a home, but how am I going to take care of her when I am a bipolar mess? I am so scared of the future and what is going to happen. I know people say think of the present moment and not worry yourself with “what ifs” but I just got a preview of what life will be like if my mother lets her bipolar side come out. She is almost 60, and looks great for her age because she used to battle her bipolar symptoms with rigorous exercise. Those endorphins kept her out of the hospital. In this weak, crippled state, she is utterly helpless, frustrated, and feels like she is going to die and I am powerless to help her.

I am sending a prayer out to God tonight. I need to find peace that is why I am here writing tonight. I need to sleep soon, because I am going to take my mom to my doctor so maybe he can make sense out of the mess that was caused by that other horrible doctor. I need for her to get help. I need for her to be well. I am just praying he accepts her insurance because her main insurance doesn’t kick in till December 1st, and honestly, I don’t think she will last until then.

I am helpless, too distraught in my own bipolar head to give her any guidance or support. I feel weak and shameful. I need strength. I have to be strong for my mom. Tomorrow, my dad is working on our new house and my sister is going to work. It all falls on my shoulders to be strong and not let this illness beat me so I can help my mom. I feel depression sneaking its way in, bringing me down, and keeping from doing what I have to do.

Please God. Give me the strength to get through this. Help me take care of my mom by taking away some of my bipolar symptoms for a while. Give me peace so I can be strong for her because she needs me.

I have faith.

Dear God, Give Me Strength.

Stay tuned.

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Thinking about the Past to Understand the Future

present-past-and-future

Did you ever stop and have a one on one with yourself? You know, going over your life, your choices, thinking about the people who have left, and the people who are still in it? I spent a good chunk of my life at the bottom of a bottle, drinking away my days and nights, hoping that I could find a balance through all the loneliness. My relationship with alcohol has been a rollercoaster ride, and tonight as I pondered my life and where I am going to end up, I started reminiscing on past events.

So many people have crossed my path. I can still say their names in my head clearly. I wonder how they are and if they still think of me. Each person that comes in to your life comes in for a reason, (I know it’s really a cliché thing to say), and changes you for the better or worse. Did you ever just go through your phone contacts or even your Facebook list and think, “what ever happened to this person?” It’s interesting because as I am moving forward, I am closing the door on my past life.

All my life, I have wanted a man to love me. I used sex to get it, and that is not the healthiest thing to do. I had went on countless dates, and chatted with thousands of men online. People get bored easy; they look for that “spark” which I think is some man-made thing that doesn’t exist. How do you know you have found the one? Is it because you text everyday, love spending time with them and want to be with them forever? I’ve got news for you, passion dies after a while.

I think about people who are married. Some couples are madly in love, (which I think is a myth because they are like one year in), and some couples are so miserable, (the majority). I have come across so many people who just go through the motions. You sleep next to the same person every night and even though you are thankful to have someone, there is a heavy emptiness in your heart. You literally have EVERYTHING but at the same time you have nothing. I was there. I was engaged twice and had lived with both of them while I was engaged. It’s not worth it. People need their own space to grow and explore.

But what about everyone else who is dying to find love? Thinking about my past and how desperate I used to be is eye-opening. I have FINALLY come to the conclusion that all you really need is a companion. I love my Captain. He makes me feel sexy and desired, and it’s wonderful. I am enjoying the moment because that’s all we really have. I think about people and in terms of forever, all you really need is someone you can count into your old age.

I am looking at my past as I usher in my future. I am quite happy where I am at. People are lonely and want to be held. I completely understand that, but I have been without the physical so long, I have forgotten what it is like. As I have grown older, I have fully accepted my own space, my own company and particularly my own bed. I LOVE being alone in my bed. For some people, that is extremely difficult. They want to find that ever lasting love to sleep next to every night. I have come to the conclusion, throughout my life, that you can also be completely alone sleeping next to someone too. It can be empty, hollow, and completely miserable. Why do people stay together unhappy just to have the image of being happy?

Tonight I was thinking of my past and how I have been chasing something that doesn’t really exist. All you need in life is to be content, and as I approach my future with new opportunities, I am embracing the fact that I am finally okay. The alcoholism has left my life, and the bipolar feels like it is under control.

Finally things are calm and content.

I pray to God it stays that way.

Stay tuned.

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Thankfulness in the Eye of the Storm

star-trek-03-1024

My life has been turbulent. Years wasted just wandering, trying to figure myself out. Failure after failure, just completely filled with heartbreak and disappointment. Till something changed. I don’t speak of the Captain often in my posts, because I don’t want to be one of those people gushing about how much in love they are to the point to where the reader wants to puke. So, instead I am going to embrace Thankfulness.

It’s amazing. Since the age of “Catfish” people have been having online relationships. I know I favored online dating and even met a dear love of mine on Eharmony. Usually, they break and fall apart though. Some people lose interest, some people ghost, or some people just walk away from the computer and go out in to the “real” world. I’m saying “real” world in quotations because I find people don’t ever disconnect from their phones anyway, so how “real” can it be?

But I digress. I have a love of Star Trek. Ever since I was little, I had a fascination with the stars and the adventures of Kirk and Picard. I even had a thing for Commander Riker (love the beard). As I got older, my dreams dissipated, that “real” world kicked in, and I realized that I had a lot of growing up to do. My relationship history is rippled with heartache and misery, and eventually they led to a suicide attempt and a bipolar diagnosis.

I spent a good chunk of my life in darkness and alcohol. Battling the bipolar illness didn’t help, and my endless search for a true love kept me up nights, even days. After my last relationship ended and we remained friends, I had assumed that was it for me, and my new-found “friend” would be the one I would spend my life with. Then the Captain came.

It’s probably the silliest, (or one of the silliest) things ever. There is a channel here in New York that shows all the Star Trek shows back to back almost every night. You know, the Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and of course Enterprise. I would follow along with my other Star Trek nerds, (god I love this warm group of people), on some nights using a hashtag for the channel on Twitter. We would laugh, follow along, and just enjoy Trek. The Captain has been on there since it started. Quiet, reserved, deeply loving and kind, he would light up every time he saw I joined in on the fun, taking the time to welcome me to the group every time I came “aboard” his little crew.

To be honest, I joined the group sporadically. I didn’t invest much time hanging out on Twitter and following the Star Trek hashtag, so I hardly tuned in. I was off getting my heart stomped on by The Astronomer, The Quiet Man, The Literary and whoever else I have been blabbering on this blog about over the past several months. I was also on different chat sites and dating sites trying to find the “love of my life.” Needless to say my love of Trek and the need to bond with a group of people brought me back on Twitter, where the Captain awaited me.

It started innocently enough. A couple of messages back and forth, maybe some sexual innuendo, and of course exposing him to my wild personality and flirty nature. I was in the middle of several different men at the time, having all sorts of sex and getting my feelings tangled up on top of it. Things escalated fast online, and me and the Captain got very close. I now spend my nights engrossed with him, and the need to connect with anyone else is just not there anymore. The Astronomer appeared tonight, (after a month), and I realized that I am done with all the bullshit. These “zombies,” as they are called online, resurrect themselves in your inbox, (like the undead), after weeks of disappearing, and are like a plague in my life. The Literary did the same exact thing. I am sick of being on a man’s timetable. I am sick of being just something they reach out to when they are bored. I am stupid in a way because I always answer them, making it easy for them to think I am at their beck and call.

My life is taking a turn. I have to look out for my family and my health. I think I have this mania/depression thing under control, and I need to get a full-time job. I can’t hide behind my illness anymore. It was a shock to my system when the doctor that is treating my mom for her stomach infection, (we finally found out what it was since the emergency room visits did nothing to help her), gave her Trazedone because he said she “looked anxious.” What the fuck? She goes to a doctor for an infection and he gives her psychiatric pills? And not just ANY psychiatric pills, strong ass pills that I used to be on for my bipolar! When the hell did general practitioners become psychiatrists? I was beyond upset, and got rid of those pills immediately. A doctor like this is what ruined my life. When I went for help all those years ago, they shoved pills in my face and sent me down a road to the bipolar hell I am in. I will NOT let them do that to my mother. Not at her age. Fuck that.

With all this going on in my life, I realize I finally have balance. I am taking care of my mother and I am starting to realize that it is time to grow up and take charge of my life. I have the Captain. I have many other people in my life too, but now it finally feels like I am complete. I don’t know what the future holds, but throughout the hurricane of my life, I feel like I am finally settled in the Eye of the Storm, and all that is there is love and thankfulness.

Was the psychic right? She did say that I would be in love by November. Nah, it’s just coincidence right?  I don’t know if I believe in that, but I believe SOMETHING happened that shifted the way my life is turning. It could be that I was waiting for my Captain to rescue me and show me the direction that I needed to head into.

I hope and pray that we will travel together on calm seas, just like in the Eye of the Storm.

Stay tuned.

 

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Life is Like a Flame, Don’t Let Yours Burn Out

falme

Growing up. There is a point in your life where you realize that something big is about to happen. You may have come to a crossroads, things are changing, and there are some big decisions to be made. I am at that stage right now.

About two weeks ago, I left the Quiet Man behind. I had come to a point where I needed guidance and I needed an answer. So I prayed. I even called a psychic. Something out in the universe was trying to tell me something. This is the time. This is the time where the big change I have been gearing myself up for all these years.

I have spent years searching for the love of my life. I have never been satisfied in a career. I am lazy, unmotivated and just beaten down by being bipolar. The mood swings on the pendulum, in and out of different stages of mania and depression cripple me, and I used to counterbalance all of it with large consumptions of alcohol. I spent almost all my time online and getting into dead-end relationships with ghosters and was just headed in a bad direction.

I am approaching 40 in a few years. My parents are getting older. My father only has a few years left and with my mother becoming ill, I am afraid of losing her too. I depend heavily on my parents, not for money or guidance, just for a roof over my head. But as things are changing, and the world is changing, I think I need to finally tell myself that it is time. It is time I get off of disability.

Being bipolar has been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. Years of being undiagnosed and unmedicated led to drinking binges, bad decisions and a poor quality of life. I was suffering deeply and hurting myself and those around me. When the gauntlet came down when I was 27, and I was finally grounded and forced to realize that I needed the medication to survive, my body and spirit fought me tooth and nail. I spent several years trying so hard to get around my illness. I tried going to school, I tried part-time jobs and I tried finding true love. I failed at all of that and I was conquered by myself and by my fear.

It’s been ten years since I moved out to Long Island with my parents because I had no choice. I totaled my car and had to spend my disability money to get a new one. I was awarded the disability easily back then because I was hospitalized so many times. And truth be told, it was MUCH different ten years ago. Nowadays it is almost impossible to get on disability and there are literally thousands of people who are suffering trying to get it through the court system, all while trying to make ends meet and deal with their illness. I am thankful, grateful to God, that I was given the disability and used it wisely to figure out how to battle my bipolar.

I managed to stay out of the hospital for a long time. But I was always symptomatic. I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t hold a man, and I was always searching. I did a number on myself for years and up until two weeks ago, I was completely lost. Then one night, I went out into the rainstorm, lit up a cigarette, and spoke to God for the first time in what felt like an eternity. I kept telling myself that my bipolar mind was playing tricks on me, that it was just my voice in my head, but I think He heard me. He was always there listening, but throughout my whole life of mania, I got my bipolar voice confused with God’s.

The time is now. I got a letter in the mail today that my Civil Service exam is on the 18th. I am terrified. What if I do well? What if I get hired? There is only one answer to that: I will have to give up my disability. I couldn’t be more petrified. I wake up in a Seroquel hangover every morning and it is impossible for me to get to sleep with my bipolar mind even when I take the pills. How will I be able to function in a 9 to 5 job? What if I fail? What if I become totally miserable and want to kill myself? What if bipolar comes in full force and attacks me while I am on the job?  I can’t deny the fear. But I won’t let my life flame burn out. I am 37 years old, 2017 is about to come to a close and I am not getting any younger. If I get an opportunity for a government job I HAVE to take it. I will have amazing benefits and they cannot discriminate against me for having a disability like they do in the private sector. I must take the chance. I must take the risk. I must be brave.

There is a new chapter on the horizon. The Captain came into my life and showed me a fairytale love to the point where I no longer have the need to search, and no longer feel an emptiness in my restless heart. I have an opportunity to improve the quality of my life and make my parents proud. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. My parents won’t be around forever, and I cannot let this illness conquer me to the point where I will be on disability for the rest of my life. I am too young for that. I can do this. I am strong. I can make it. The Seroquel is doing what the Haldol didn’t. It is bringing me balance. I spoke to my psychiatrist and told him that I feared that the Seroquel was cutting me off from connecting with God and my emotions. He simply said that all it was doing was cutting me off from the mania that all bipolar people love. That’s why people with bipolar don’t take their meds. They want to ride that high that is so unbelievable, so amazing, so mindblwoing, you actually feel like you are a God.

I am balanced now. The mania is finally taken a step back and I think I can do this. All that is really left is trying to get myself to sleep and waking up without feeling like the room is spinning. I will need a routine where I get up early and spend at least an hour in bed waking up and letting the effects of the medicine dissipate. It may be a burden, but I think the rewards of having a secure job and peace of mind may be worth it.

It’s time to grow up.

It’s time to let the flame of my life burn.

I will not let it go out into the darkness.

I will not grow old being on disability because I was too afraid to take a risk.

I am strong.

I am bipolar.

Stay tuned.

 

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What Do You Think About Life?

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I had a series of bizarre emotions today as I was contemplating my place in the universe. Did you ever stop to think what is the point of all this? People are constantly running around. I mean it’s like go-go-go all the damn time. But when you STOP, I mean really just stop and let things settle in your mind, was all that you have done worth it?

I have been struggling the past few months, and I thought I finally found some clarity. My mania is in check as I am just dealing with severe insomnia instead of the rocketship highs I used to get. The Seroquel seems to be helping, but it is making me a numb vegetable. I am losing the ability to feel and I am becoming more irritable.

The last message I received from the Quiet Man was something along the lines of “the fire that he loved about me seems to be gone” and even though we don’t speak anymore, it couldn’t be more true. I am having a tough time. I want to say it’s the pills, but I don’t think that’s it anymore. Something is off. Something is wrong with my life and it needs fixing and I do not know where to begin.

Things are going really well “The Captain” so much so that I think I am deeply in love. I had moments of euphoria that were monumental and I think there is something really special between us. But there is something missing that I am dancing around and I don’t want to face.

The year is ending and I will be 38 next year and I have nothing to show for it. I failed at any job I attempted and I feel as though I am going to have to make some hard choices soon. I can’t live with my parents forever, and even though I pay my way, I know the safety of being under their roof won’t last long. I am scared, downright petrified, of the future.

I sat down and thought about my life and I know I should be so thankful for all that I have. I really am, but I think there is more I should be doing. I need to finish my novel and I need to do something that I am proud of. I need a reason to get up in the morning. I need a reason to live. Bipolar is so fucking hard. I feel like there is some kind of defect going on in my brain. I want to say I am just lazy, but I think there is just so much more to it than that.

As I think about life and where I am going, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop worrying so much about it. I need to trust in God and have faith. Even though I don’t feel fully “connected” with my higher power, I feel like I understand what the message is, I just worry too much. I have a good life and I have to embrace it. I have to be thankful for all that I have and all the people in it. I am not in the go-go-go mode, so I actually have the time to sit down and appreciate things where most people can’t.

I have been thinking a lot about my best friend too. He was the one I was supposed to live the rest of my life with and now “The Captain” has fallen madly in love with me and I am getting scared. I may be faced with a decision down the line that I don’t want to make. But all that is in future tense. Eckhart Tolle wrote about “The Power of Now.” I think I am going to have to revisit that. The is a hamster wheel going round and round in my brain and I think it’s time I get off and just sit still for a moment.

There is peace in stillness, I just have to find it.

Welcome to the uncharted waters of a restless mind.

Stay tuned.

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