When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Gets Stronger

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So I had to do it. I lost over 300 followers in the process, but it had to be done. I was sick of being censored and having stalkers on my blog. I don’t know what the future will hold, but I urge my fellow WordPressians DO NOT give out your blog information to anyone! It will result in so much heartache and of course, headaches. But, I will not let it deter me from writing.

My journey of love, life and crazy online adventures can still be seen through here, on this blog. Sometimes in life you have to start over. Try again. I will miss my old blog. For those of you reading, this was me: Love With a Dark Heart in Chains – Shattered Wish Some of you may know me, some may not, but I was tired of all the nonsense. The current men in my life were just reading my blog, leaving comments and just giving me grief. I don’t know what made me share it with them, or why I felt that I thought that such a private medium should be shared at all. I was tired of cryptic comments and condescending words being left for me to read after each post. Enough was enough already. But to you readers, you wonderful readers, that followed me through all my adventures, the highs and lows of bipolar, and just the overall mess of my life, I thank you.

So here’s to a new beginning. I have to attempt to move on with my life and move past this all. I am wondering if I should pick up a drink again. That may not be wise as I am trying to stick to my sobriety. I just wish things were easier, ya know? But sometimes when you’re pushed, you have to just let it tip you over and start again. I will miss my followers, but I have started from scratch before, and I will do it again.

Man, bipolar life doesn’t get any easier does it? Well any life for that matter.

I hope I find some of you again.

Stay tuned.

 

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I Almost Died Last Night

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That moment. What drives you over the edge? People always say that if you commit suicide you’re a coward, but do you know how much balls it takes to do die? I was at my lowest point yesterday. Lower than I had ever been. I realized in that moment that my relationship with my best friend was a joke, my life was a joke, no one loved me, like truly loved me, I was fat and ugly, I was worthless, I was nothing, and it keeps going on and on. Positive self-talk they say, and make every day count. But what if your life is shit, everything is shit, and you just want to die? I will be 37 years old in two months, and I have no man, no house, no job, no money, no kids, nothing. I am a piece of worthless shit, so why go on?

Then a message beeped in on my phone just as I was about to swallow all these pills, and say goodbye forever. It was my bipolar friend, who I had said my goodbyes to just a month earlier in my attempt to purge everything from my past life. It was a godsend angel looking over my shoulder that he was up at 4am and just decided to see if I was awake and wanted to talk. What are the odds in that?

After we talked and I came down off the ledge of killing myself, I thought about everything I had in my life. About the fact that my disability review FINALLY came through and they extended it for three more years. So, Lynn, you have three years to get your act together, get a part-time job, start working and finally apply for your dream-job of working in Civil Service. You have three years to lose some significant weight and feel alive again. At the brink of such a milestone that had been giving me stress over the past few months, why did I want to kill myself? It’s simple, the meds are bringing me down.

Every day I wake up and immediately go back to bed because I am too tired. I sit at my computer with heavy eye lids not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone but just go back to bed. My mania. I miss it. I could achieve such feats in the throes of mania, that even my little fat self would be happy with just the way she was. Nothing can harm me. I am invincible. And now, what am I? A fat lump of a single woman, with nothing in life and who wants to die? Why do doctors keep our mania away? So we don’t have delusions and don’t overspend? Or is it so we just are reduced to lowly human beings like the rest of the population and have to deal with being “normal?” Who the fuck wants to be normal anyway? I wouldn’t have wanted to die if I was manic. Bottom line. I would have wanted to live, despite my shortcomings, and then live some more. That drive that’s in me, with each year that passes, with each mind numbing drug they give me, takes away my fire and lust for life that makes me who I am. Who would want to live this way? Are we being punished for being “special?”

I don’t know, all I know is, life is a miraculous thing. I almost died last night, and I was a coward for not doing it. I think it takes someone who is incredibly brave to take their life. They made a conscious choice to stop the reigning madness in their soul, and left this life because this life is shit. But I didn’t do it, and that in itself is my own special kind of bravery because I chose to live in the shit one more day. IS all life crap? It can’t be. Just because I am not manic and everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows (I mean when you’re manic it really is), I can go on knowing that one day I will be happy. My dreams will come true and I will be healthy again. I will get out from behind this computer and live again. I want to LIVE again so badly. I want to FEEL something. I miss JOY. I want to wrap myself up in it and be warm forever. Will it come? Will I finally be free of this horrible life I have created in my own mind and in my heart? We will see. As Scarlett O’Hara said, “I won’t think about it today I will think about it tomorrow; after all tomorrow is another day.”

Stay tuned.

 

Posted in Uncategorized, Bipolar | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Why Do You Blog?

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I read an interesting post here by someone who outlined the benefits of blogging. So I have to ask my readers, why do YOU do it? For me, it’s a great outlet. I mean sometimes I have absolutely nothing to talk about, but I wonder what would life be like without such a thing? I will admit I do get a rush after getting a “Like” and I often look forward to them. To me, it means I was recognized, that someone actually understands what I am talking about and I am not just typing meaningless rantings out into a void.

I wonder if I should try to go back to Facebook or Twitter and see if I could get a following. But I am against it because of so many unstable people who have ended up finding me. I mentioned time and time again that I had to restart my blog again because I was getting stalked on my other one. This is my third attempt at this, and I have to admit it is my last. If something goes wrong again, I’m sad to say I am going to give it up all together. Losing my 300+ readers was devastating to me, and I am doing all I can to get my followers back. But what are my reasons for blogging? Is it just so I can get recognized? I have to say it partially is. I have thought about writing a book about my experiences with bipolar and the online world, but am I just kidding myself? Would anybody be interested in hearing about my online experiences? I mean, I am not going OUT there and ACTUALLY dating anyone, so I mean it would be less than interesting. But to be honest, a lot of shit can go down in online relationships.

Anyway, I kind of went a bit off topic there, but I think the benefits of blogging is that it is incredibly therapeutic and that you can get out all the crap going on in your head. Some people have a constant “Writer’s Block” but that can easily be overcome. Just a few lines of poetry can be a great entry, as a matter of fact I am going to give it a try.

He walks, silently.

Her heels click in the distance.

The rain, unmistakable now, are looming in the clouds.

The gentle beat on the pavement is the perfect soundtrack to their meet-cute.

He rounds the corner, his head low, broken from his aching heart.

She rounds the corner, looking for her lost love.

Their eyes lock. Just for a moment. Time stops.

They both say, at the same time, “I know you.”

She wipes the tears from his face, “I have been looking for you.”

Bewildered, he asks, “But how………?”

The rain comes down harder now, as the sun starts to peer through and shines just on them.

She smiles. “How has no meaning now.”

She holds his hand.

He holds hers.

The perfect union.

See? That’s not bad. Just a simple words thrown together can invoke such emotion. Whether you’re feeling sad, or just want to create, blogging is a great way to get your thoughts out there. So if you’re just lurking around WordPress, or stuck with Writer’s Block, just throw a few words together. Who knows what you will come up with?

Let the adventure begin.

Stay tuned.

 

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Finding “Joy” in Life. Is it All Really That Bad?

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Where do you find your joy? In writing? Reading? Gaming? Dating? Painting? We all come to a point in our lives where we forget why we are “here.” Through all the bitching and whining that we do, do we stop and forget what “joy” really is? Did we forget the real reason why we are here? Isn’t the goal to find joy and some minuscule purpose of existing that will translate in to some form of happiness?

I read a friend’s blog post, where he basically threw out what he called “word vomit” and basically said that he felt he was becoming bored with talking about the same things over and over again. I have to say I relate. I have been looking over my past blog posts and thinking to myself, how many times am I going to mention that I started over? How many times am I going to cry about bipolar? How many times am I going to complain about my addictions, (chatrooms, alcoholism, online relationships)? It seems to be the same story over and over again. That’s why last night I went to “Paint Night” here on Long Island. You get together, have some dinner and wine, and just paint. Now I have done a couple of paintings before, but I am particularly impressed with my latest creation, (see above). I think it represents me in a way. I am like a dark tree, where I have some hint of color of life in me, but they are all on top, or at the surface. But what lies underneath is a dark mass with just a hint of life. Is this what my life had become? Just a “dark tree?”

I contemplated this, as I sat down last night and thought about going into a chatroom. I don’t really want to connect anymore. I think I am done being used by these men. The other night, the Texan got his jollies and left, basically using me. And you know what? I didn’t even care. I was totally oblivious to the fact that I was “acting” sexy to get him off, and I felt absolutely nothing during the whole thing. Now usually, I would be incredibly hurt, or feel like crap. But I didn’t. I didn’t give a damn. And last night when I got home from Paint Night, I didn’t want to see him online. I didn’t want to see ANYONE.

Which brings me to my point. Do I NEED anyone right now? Is any relationship going to work for me? I mentioned before (well many times) that I needed to get rid of all my connections online and one of them was my bipolar friend, and I regretted it. Well we reconnected and I have to say I was happy about it. I really had no reason to leave him as he has always been a good friend to me. But as far as the rest of them goes, who the hell needs them? They were just bringing me down anyway.

I have a plan for my life in place. I am going to stay with my parents until my Dad passes on, (which he will in the next few years). Then it will just be my mom and sister with me until my sister gets married. Then it will just be me and my mom, (I have no intention of leaving her in a nursing home). After that well, I have my best friend, who is also my ex, (we had sexual issues that’s why we aren’t together), and we will just live the rest of our lives together as companions. Not too bad right? In between all that, I hope to get a Civil Service job so I have a great pension waiting for me. Not a bad life huh?

So I guess it really comes down to is I HAVE joy in my life. I have a direction, I have a plan, I have a purpose. So why am I sitting here complaining? I know the bipolar is rough and I have some bad days, but is it all REALLY so bad? I don’t think it is. I don’t need to date. I don’t need to find someone. I have my best friend in my life (my rock and shoulder for the past 7 years), so what’s the problem? There is none. I am the “dark tree” by choice, and choice only. I need to focus more on those beautiful purple flowers on my branches more than anything else. The rest shall come, so we will wait and see.

Stay tuned.

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5am. Insomnia. Obsession.

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My obsession with connecting with people is monumental. I am on forums, on chat sites, just sitting at my computer with a pain in my neck, aching and fighting my body to go to sleep. I am obsessed. Obsessed with trying to find someone. What exactly am I looking for? I wish I knew. I had a brief encounter with the Texan tonight. By brief, I mean I held up the conversation and helped him get off, which means I got absolutely nothing out of it. The thing is I don’t even care. I am dead inside, so hollow. I don’t even care that men are just using me now. I might as well be a Sperm Bank.

Things are getting nuts. I feel like I have no soul. I am on a Sex Forum right now, and I think everyone hates me there. I ignored all the friend requests because I know they are all horny. Where is my articulate man? But when I think about it, do I really want to find someone? I am hopelessly in love with my best friend, but sexually he does nothing for me. Do I even need sex? I mean it has been 7 years. Seven whole years since I have had sex. I can’t believe it. I mean I almost had sex a month ago. I hit up an old friend of mine I have known for like 10 years on and off. I know he always wanted to have sex with me. I just never let him. Well I was going to let him, and I basically had my pussy on a platter for him. But what does he do? I am a 30 minute car drive away and he would rather sext, than come over and give me a good hard screw. (God I hate censorship, but be warned WordPress can literally label your blog “mature” without telling you for using profanity and your tags become useless cause you aren’t seen anywhere anymore). Anyway, he missed his chance. That was the only time I considered breaking my “dry spell” streak.

So here I am. Stuck in this life. I got some good news though. The Disability Board are working on my case so I should hear something by July. God, I hope they hurry up so I can look for a job. This is killing me. I need SOMETHING in my life. I need a man to fawn over me, worship me. I need to be wanted, needed, like so frickin’ badly. I stay awake at night hoping to meet someone. For what purpose? Where will it get me? The only potential person I was even close to meeting I said my usual “goodbye” to and ran for the hills because he was getting “too close.” How do I stop myself from doing this? I don’t know what the hell I am doing really. I have been writing a ton the past few days too. I hope my followers aren’t hating my guts that they are following a crazy woman who spews utter nonsense at insane hours of the night.

I just wish this made sense.  I just wish I had some answers. Where are you? Where are you love of my life? I think I have waited for you long enough.

And the madness continues.

Stay tuned.

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The Mental Health Stigma in Dating

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How sick of this are you?  I mean, isn’t it bad enough that we have to live with this? I have been contemplating my bipolar over the course of the day and I came to a few revelations. After I sent a goodbye message to my friend on Reddit, who I was emailing with over the past two weeks or so, and sending a goodbye message to the murderer, (yeah I couldn’t really deal with all that), I realized maybe there IS something really wrong with me. I have been cutting people out and sending goodbye messages all over the place for the past month. What is going on with me? Is there some truth to this mental illness stigma? Are we really that screwed up?

I would like to argue that yes, we are screwed up, but who isn’t? I mean I have been straight up ghosted by guys, but at least I have the courtesy to send a goodbye message before I go. I mean yeah sure it’s crappy to leave them, but don’t they at least deserve a goodbye? With a person who didn’t have a mental illness be as kind? My answer is straight up no. Most people dispose other people like garbage and we are the ones who get the label of “crazy” attached to us?

I was just on a forum that got me so mad. (I suggest staying off some of these message boards, there are a lot of mean people out there). Anyway, a guy was on there asking for advice for how to deal with his bipolar girlfriend. Well you can just imagine the responses. A lot of them were like, “RUN!!!” and my favorite was “don’t put your dick in crazy.” Of course you know my comment on the thread was “crazy don’t want your ugly dick,” haha. But I digress, why are people so afraid to date us?  I know I don’t have the greatest track record, but come on!

So for the readers of this post, if you have a mental illness do you disclose it to your potential date? When in the dating process do you tell them? Do you tell them at all or just hide it till it’s deep enough into the relationship to where they have to deal with it? Personally, these days, I have been telling the guys that I have been communicating with that I have bipolar. I am sure the ones I have said goodbye to are telling themselves, “yup that’s what I get for dealing with a bipolar chick.” Oh well.

So disclose or not disclose? I am curious what you usually do. Please comment below.

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What are Men Thinking?

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I don’t know why I am doing this, but I just have to post this. I am on just one dating site right now. I met a murderer on there, but that’s a different story. Anyway, it’s a site for people who are trying to connect that have a mental illness. It’s called NoLongerLonely.com. It’s not a bad site, but to send messages is a total rip off. But if you want to poke around and see what’s out there, it can be cool to look around and see what your fellow sufferers are like..

Anyway, that isn’t the point of this post. I got a message from someone on there who NEEDED help. Like he needed someone to kick him in the head. I understand people have a mental illness, I empathize, because being bipolar is a fuckin’ nightmare, but being mentally ill doesn’t excuse a person from being an absolute head case. I was going to copy and paste excerpts from this winner’s profile, but screw it, I am going to go ahead and post the whole thing, (hopefully he hasn’t heard of WordPress, and something tells me he hasn’t). So here goes…step on up Contestant Number One: *Drumroll Please*

About Me:


First off I should tell you about my disorder. . Its Schizoaffective.. Which is symptoms from both Schizophrenia and Bipolar, I also have really bad anxiety. . . But my medication works very very well it gets rid of most of the bad symptoms. . There’s some left over issues though. . ..I know this message is long and that’s prob not what your into.. But I want you to know about me…I’m an artist. I’m very talented at drawing with graphite. I’m okay at painting I can make a pretty mean abstract painting. . lol I have a pure heart. I would do anything to get my message to the right girl. I’m pretty much still a virgin. . Well I’ve done it before once or twice but I didn’t feel anything at all cause I took numbing medications right before and used protection..Didn’t feel a thing it sucked…. . SO I still haven’t experienced what its like fully. I’m waiting till I find a girl who I can fully trust and love to do it. But if I find that girl who will go all the way with me. WOO I imagine it’s gonna be amazing for me.. I can only imagine how great it would be and how intense it would be for me. Just make sure to not take my meds right before maybe skip them for a day… It’d prob blow my mind away lol. I know it..I can’t wait till its my first real time with a girl.. I hope shes attractive.. Just I want it to be perfect…I am not here to waste my time on someone who I’m just going to leave or someone that will leave me. I’m looking for my dream girl. And I want to pick someone who I know I can be with for the rest of my life I’m not here to waste my time dating. . I’ll know if your right for me. . I am compassionate to animals and people, especially to a beautiful girl for some reason lol. I show a lot of empathy and care a lot. I’d say I care too much. I will feel bad if I even slightly make you feel bad. . I am honest all the way and will never tell a lie it’s just not me. . I’m sort of Christian. . I believe in God. I like RPG video games. My favorite game is Skyrim. . I am just trying to find my one true love my one and only. My diamond in the rough. I hope I’m not screwed. lol. .Theres nothing I want more than to fall in love with someone as beautiful as you. I want to feel close to someone and share my entire life with them…… I don’t want to just get into your pants and thats all I want. I want much more than that. I want to be close as we can get. I want you to be there for me 100% always. I want for you to trust me fully, and that we can share anything with each other and not judge each other whatever it is anything. I don’t want to fight ever, I want it to be peaceful and beautiful and whole, I want real and I’m sure you want all this too and more. I show nothing but compassion and care and empathy/sympathy for my lover. I’m always putting her first… I feel things deeply in my heart,, I can draw, paint, sing, write, meditate on life, and contemplate deeply what life means, I can make good conversation, I can do a lot of things and I know love making is one of the things I was meant to do and gifted at.. I feel it.. I know it sounds funny but I am so so so sensitive and my body is too , I’m so sensual and I just feel things so deeply like I’m extra sensory… I’ll know. I can sense your feelings I’d think… I can read peoples feelings way before a word is even said…sex without love is meaningless to me. I have big black and grey tattoos on the inside of each forearm wrist…and one on my upper right arm that is turquoise.. My ears are pierced but I took them out cause I don’t like having to take care of them.. I had an eyebrow ring once..I’m a nice guy, nice guys finish last..I’m saving up for my very own condo..

You think he is picky? Just a smidge. Oh and if you’re fat, you’re pretty much out too because here is what this winner looks for in a girl:

How he describes the kind of person he’d like to meet


Well she will be a girl who won’t judge me for anything I say or do. She will accept me for who I am. . I’d like our relationship to be 100% real. . She will be able to share anything with me, anything, and I with her. . We can talk about anything to each other and trust each other fully and completely. I want a girl who can express herself and her heart and mind freely. I want a girl who knows and understands how she feels. . . . I want someone who can respond to my long messages very well. . I want her to be totally trustworthy. I would like it if she wasn’t the type of girl to hook up with you. . . I’d like it if she was honest all the way . . I’d like her to share some common interests with me. . like art or video games or something anything. . . Maybe just ideals and morals in common with me. . She has to be very nice and I want her to say things like “aww” to me and be all cute lol. . I want her to have a big heart. . I want her to be sweet as sugar and have a kind heart . . . . I want her to be real, like real, always never fake. . I don’t mind if she likes to wear makeup I think it makes girls look good. …I want a good girl . . She should understand my sense of humor. . . Ideally I would like her to have a thin body and a beautiful face, at least an average body. I know that’s not very fair because I am not thin. . But thats my wish. . I would die for a thin bodied girl lol. . But I’m sorry if that offends you, its what I want, but if that’s too much to ask, and I find the right girl who happens to be bigger, then that will work too.. . As long as I can find attraction to your body shape I’m fine. . . . I will accept somebody who has an average sized body too. I don’t really want too big or fat. And I am kinda fat. . Well I’m 220. I used to be thin. I just wish I was thin again so I could be perfect for my girl. . , But the med’s made me gain weight. . I’ll work on it. . I could definitely take a big girl if she had the right proportions. . But I want a skinny girl just cause skinny is so cute and sexy. . . I really want a skinny girl cause I think they’re so cute and sexy. . That’s just a wish lol. .Don’t get me wrong big girls can be very very sexy too..

You hear that? Big girls can be sexy too! Yay me! Fuck me man. I thought I seen everything, especially since meeting the murderer and all. Let me ask you something ladies, or even men, would you say something? Would you have the heart to compose a message to this profile and GENTLY tell them their profile was awful? Well I did. I won’t post his message to me here because it wasn’t all that bad. Well it was bad, but it wasn’t that his message that turned me off so much, it was when he told me “look at my profile” and oh yeah, he starts off his message by saying “hi, your cute :)” Holy hell, man. Anyway this was my message to him:

Subject: Just a Friendly Suggestion

Hi there,

Look, I don’t want to come off as mean and rude but I had to say something. First off, “your cute” is not how you start a message to a woman. It’s “you’re” ah forget it, the whole thing is wrong.

I just want to let you know, that your profile is awful. I mean it was a HUGE turn off. And being a bigger girl when you were saying you want a skinny girl over and over and you’re big yourself was terrible. You’re very attractive, so looks aren’t your issue. Also, the whole thing in there about sex and what you want, take that out, it will send women running.

I understand, it’s difficult. I have bipolar so I know it isn’t easy, and it’s even harder to put yourself out there. But if you want anyone to take you seriously, or at least be “somewhat normal” you HAVE GOT to fix your profile. I love that you are honest and caring and a wonderful person. You really sound genuine. But all of what you wrote was terribly offensive. Take my advice or ignore it, but if you would have left out most of what you wrote I would have considered talking to you. AND please for the LOVE OF GOD, don’t use “your cute” ever again.

Good luck out there, and remember your dream girl IS out there. : )

All my best.

I hope that didn’t sound too bad. I mean I really wanted the message to be was WHAT IN THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WITH THAT PROFILE????? But I digress I didn’t. Oh, and by the way it CLEARLY says my weight on my profile which is 190-205 pounds, so yeah, he can’t read either. Unless I am the exception and I get a pass on the skinny girl thing because “your cute.” *Gags*

What are men thinking?

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Met a Murderer on a Dating Site

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So where do I go from here? I am sitting here reading the article on him, and I have to say I am shocked. First of all he didn’t have to tell me that he went to jail for 15 years for murder, but how do you really keep that a secret anyway? He murdered his mom and step father when he was 21. Holy hell.

I get bipolar and mental illness. That’s what he has, that’s what I have. But to murder your parents? I mean, I have heard voices and been very angry when I was unmedicated, but to brutally stab and murder both your parents? I mean he must have been seriously disturbed. How did I meet this man? Well, I met him on a dating site called NoLongerLonely.com It’s a site specifically for people with mental illness trying to connect with each other. I mean would you really want to be in a relationship with a person with mental illness? I mean I am bipolar, so I thought “hey why not?”

He found me on there and sent me a “smile” which is more familiarly known as the “wink.” I checked out his profile and pictures and he seemed pretty legit, so I sent him a message. He liked my message so much that he sent me his phone number and Facebook information right away. I called him, not from my cell phone but my house number. Strike one, now he can just look up my number and know where I live. On the up side he’s from Boston, so I have a couple of hours before he gets here to try and murder me. (Bad Joke I know). But the thing is I don’t think he will commit such a crime again. He was very disturbed. And he is on he same medication I was on when I was released from the hospital last year. It takes a special type of Bipolar person be on Depakote believe me. I had that whole psych ward out of control when I was there, trust me.

I spoke to him on the phone for close to an hour. He seemed like a very nice guy. I mean this happened in 2002. Do you know where I was in 2002? Being arrested several times for stalking my boyfriend and reckless driving, especially under the influence. I am no saint. But could I ever have murdered my parents? Would bipolar eventually make me do such a thing? I don’t think it would have, no matter how violent or crazy I would have gotten. So where do I go from here? I don’t know. Time will tell. Is it sick that I am kind of excited about him? I wouldn’t want to be in the same room with him right now I know that much, or even date him in person, but could I get to know him? I don’t know. I have to say this is my frist time I have ever encountered a murderer before on a dating site. I mean HE volunteered the information up front. I guess people have hidden and ran from him before. In all honesty I can see why. But can I do this? I don’t know. We will have to see.

Stay tuned.

Posted in Bipolar, Online Encounters, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments